bash.org archive

<BigPigPeaches> So my GF and I are watching  The Empire
Strikes Back  last night. Let me say that this is possibly my
favorite movie of all time.
<BigPigPeaches> But suddenly I consider: we have always
thought of R2D2 as a light-hearted comic relief type of droid.
With his tweets, chirps, raspberries, and whoops, how could he
be anything other than cute?
<BigPigPeaches> But what if people were misunderstanding what
he is actually saying? What if he could be accurately
translated? And what if he were saying things that weren t
cute at all? To wit:
<BigPigPeaches> (The scene where Luke and R2D2 are leaving
Hoth in Luke s x-wing)
<BigPigPeaches> Artoo: Hey, assclamp, where the hell are you
hauling me?
<BigPigPeaches> Luke: There s nothing wrong, Artoo, I m just
setting a new course.
<BigPigPeaches> Artoo: Oh, goodie. Are we going to see your
dad? Cause you know he s Darth Vader, right? I mean, you know
that, otherwise you re even more of a dumbass than I thought.
<BigPigPeaches> Luke: We re not going to regroup with the
others.
<BigPigPeaches> Artoo: That s probably because they know what
they re doing, and you don t.
<BigPigPeaches> Luke: We re going to the Dagobah system.
<BigPigPeaches> Artoo: The Bagadouche system? What an
appropriate destination for a douchebag such as yourself. Are
you sure you don t want me to fly? Cause I ll bet you re going
to crash us into some godforsaken swampy bog, you mindless
pube.
<BigPigPeaches> (Later on in Cloud City, during the escape
scene)
<BigPigPeaches> 3PO: Artoo! Where have you been?
<BigPigPeaches> Artoo: Listen, you bronzed dildo, I ve been
dicking around in a frigging swamp for the better part of two
weeks while some wannabe wizard has been taking advice from an
ancient lizard. I got slime in my droid genitals, a bad yeast
infection, and I m not in the mood for your prissy shit, so
put a metal cork in it, buttnozzle.
<BigPigPeaches> 3PO: Well at least you re still in one piece,
look what happened to me!
<BigPigPeaches> Artoo: Yeah yeah yeah, you got blasted to
shit, they should have left your ass in that scrap heap. You
have contributed absolutely nothing useful to this point. By
the way, how is it that you re even more of a whiny bitch than
you were in the first three movies? I thought they wiped your
frigging memory.
<BigPigPeaches> Do they have some sort of universal  BitchBot 
app that they keep putting in your lame ass? Bitch.
<BigPigPeaches> (while trying to unlock the landing platform
door)
<BigPigPeaches> 3PO: Artoo, you can tell the computer to
override the security system!
<BigPigPeaches> Artoo: Oh, thanks for reminding me, you
pretentious fuckstick. Do you know what else I can do? I can
FRIGGING FLY! George Lucas said so! But that didn t stop me
from falling into an effing swamp on that Bagadouche planet.
By the way, did you know that Darth Vader is Luke s father?
Cause I DO!
<BigPigPeaches> Oh, look, I got fried by a goddamn computer
terminal. Thanks, dickweed.
<BigPigPeaches> 3PO: Don t blame me. I'm an interpreter. I'm
not supposed to know a power socket from a computer terminal.
<BigPigPeaches> Artoo: You re supposed to know your droid ass
from a hole in the ground, but you don t. Jesus, I should have
left your sorry ass on that ship, you sphincter. Just wait
till I get to use my little welding thingy on your droid
scrote. I hate you and all these miserable bastards. Where s
my Oscar?