bash.org archive

<imthatguy>  One night home from the bars, which aside from
the occasional pizza place the only other thing open was this
porno store.  I'm not sure why - I think one of my friends
wanted to buy a magazine - but we went in, and annoyed the
shop's patrons by picking up every ridiculous sex toy and
laughing about it loudly. The most absurd thing we found was a
large plastic beer can - meant to look like "Coors Light," or
something, but much larger - and when you unscrewed the cap at
the top, there was a latex vagina inside, that you were meant
to stick your dick in and fuck the can. Well, not really
"fuck" the can, exactly, but masturbate with it.
<imthatguy>  So of course we have to buy the beer can vagina,
because we're drunk and it's funny, and we figure we'll find
some entertaining unintended use for it. So we paid for it and
continued on our merry way back to the hotel. Once there we
said our goodbyes and retired to our rooms, and I realized
that somehow I'd gotten stuck carrying the bag from the sex
store. I set it down on the desk and didn't think much about
it. That is, for a few minutes, until I found myself sitting
on the bed in my hotel room, drunk and lonely and sexually
frustrated, and I kept staring over at that stupid beer can
vagina.
<imthatguy> "Maybe I should just try it. Just see what it
feels like..." I mean, why not, right? You know. Just for
kicks, right? So you know what? I fucked it. Yeah. I fucked a
plastic beer can. I fucked the shit out of that can. And you
know what? It felt alright. It did the trick. That is, until
it was all over. Until the moment after, when I was hit by a
sobering freight train of humility, looking down at my dick
stuck inside a latex vagina housed in a plastic beer can.
Moments like that you start to question everything - "How the
hell did it come to this? Who am I? What am I doing with my
life?" I probably sat there for an hour, silently with my
plastic lover, pondering my existence.
<imthatguy> The next morning, when the subject of the previous
night came up and someone said, "oh, where's that funny beer
can thing we got? Rob, you had it, right?" And everyone looks
at me, and I just stare at them for a moment, and then say,
"...I fucked it. I fucked it and I hated myself, and now it's
gone." There was a slight pause, followed by uproarious
laughter. The ridicule took months to subside.