bash.org archive

<Matt> Hey, I just realized...
<HazeMan> What?
<Matt> While encountered together in captivity, in the wild,
the stapler and the staple remover are natural enemies.
<HazeMan> O_o

<Skizot> my boss is a moron
<Skizot> he walked in an i had left mirc open
<Skizot> he asked what it was...
<Berry2K> bussiness relations?
<Skizot> i told him a new support program by microsoft
<Berry2K> :)
<Berry2K> haha
<Skizot> he says" do i need it"
<RightField> lol
<Skizot> i told him no... it's for really techincal people and
n00bs
<Berry2K> WTFLOL
<Skizot> he asks what's a n00b
<RightField> omg
<Skizot> i told him that's what they call microsoft
programmers

<Elzie_Ann> I love how God tries to mass murder the Israelites
like a million times in exodus
<Elzie_Ann> And Moses has to calm him down every time
<Elzie_Ann> <God> ARGH MUST KILL MY PEOPLE WHO SUCK <Moses>
Wait they didn't mean it  <God> k but next time they're dying.
<Moses> Dammit guys, stop pissing God off

<Jonno> What's the difference between regular garlic and
roasted garlic?
<Arclight> A gypsy once told me it was the roasting, but you
shouldn't trust the gypsies

(@Wheelman56) 37.  What does the average person do
approximately 15 times a day?
(@Wheelman56) Answer: _____
(@]D2D[Scratch) masturbate
(+ep`andro`shower) masturbate
(+TD|Canuckistan) masturbate

<tomg> I appear to have accidentally learned java

<heffalump75> so i was doing my food and tech exam, right..
<heffalump75> and for some reason they asked me to explain
three different methods of cooking potatoes.
<heffalump75> I'd just recently watched LOTR as well.
<mmmBoris> Uh oh i can see where this is going
<heffalump75> In the first box i put "boil em," the second i
put "mash em" and the third i put "stick em in a stew."
<heffalump75> And then on the side I drew a picture of Samwise
Gamgee as best i could.
<heffalump75> I got a massive tick and full marks for that
question.

<Wallrod> i hate having my room right next to the bathroom
<Wallrod> i have to hear my dad take a shit
<Wallrod> EVEN DEATH METAL DOESNT COVER ALL THE FREQUENCIES MY
DAD'S ASS BROADCASTS ON

<Malevolyn> last night i was at chili's and i got a big
sandwich that had a big knife. so i went to cut my sandwich
and started chanting 'knife knife knife knife'
<Malevolyn> and the waitress came by and took my knife...

<Xenecrite> wanna hear a joke?
<Xenecrite> Women's Rights
<Lone_wolf_gurl> you have 5 seconds to start running.

<Tori_ness> Camels may not be able to solve complex
mathematical equations
<Tori_ness> But those bastards can still eat your tent

<Raptorx5> So I found a prepaid cellphone the other day at
school.
<Raptorx5> Swear to god I did.
<Raptorx5> It had a small amount of airtime left.
<Raptorx5> And a shitload of contacts.
<Raptorx5> I called "Mommy" and left a voicemail "Your child
is dead" in a low toned whisper. And then I ran out of
airtime.
<Osmodius> I love you :D

<BigKahuna>so my son came home from school early
<BigKahuna>terrified look on his face
<BigKahuna>handed me two pieces of paper
<BigKahuna>one says he's been suspended for two weeks
<BigKahuna>the other is a bill for $850 for removing a
mechanical bull from a swimming pool
<lhging|brb>HAHAHAHAHA
<BigKahuna>half of me knows i should punish him, but the other
half just wants to say "my god i love my kids"

<TalonArkrys> Guys, I've decided that there needs to be an
addition to the current laws of nature.  "Lesser Life Forms
Are Not Allowed To Make Talon Feel Stupid".   I saw a bug on
my kitchen floor, and it was rather unexpected.  As such, I
threw my cup at it.  The cup was made of glass.  And contained
my coke.  Now, I have shattered glass as well as coke all over
my floor.  The worst part was, when I looked closer, the bug
was already dead.

<irzyxel> RANDY !
<irzyxel> long time no see !
<irzyxel> hows the kids
<Randy`> still in my testicles, thankfully

(Guilty) "WITHOUT ULTRA PORT GUARD 2000, HACKERS CAN STEAL
YOUR CHILDREN"

<LORD|Kittel|Work> I had a user tell me that she couldn't see
anything on her PC. I had her verify for me that it was
plugged in and that it was turned on. When it still didn't
display anything I went to her office to take a look.
<LORD|Kittel|Work> She didn't have a computer. She had a
monitor only.
<LORD|Bishop|Werk> hahahahahahaaha
<LORD|Kittel|Work> But that was indeed plugged in and turned
on.
<LORD|Kittel|Work> I had to give her that.

<DannyCat> The Fonz playing DDR would be like, him standing
there looking cool throughout the song, but not stepping on
anything. Then, right as the results screen came up, he'd
whack the side of the monitor and it would give him an AAA.

<RizBow[RF]> winmx if the song is popular (you can download
same song from multiple people simontaneously) , soulseek if
its rare
<maddox> I get my mp3s from the store.. it's pretty nice, they
already have them burned on CD and they come with cases and
booklets.
<RizBow[RF]> maddox: where?

<arsifoofoo> you know...
<arsifoofoo> people rub corn on themselves for skin therapy
<arsifoofoo> "hard pore cornography"

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<snoldak> im so lonely

<hahacornut>  I need visual aids for my presentation tomorrow
<Narcissus>  go to visual africa

<iMike> the bible should be rewritten to more common language
<DigDug> yeah, like c++ or perl
<D1> in comic book form

[Maimed_Perfection] Anything with numbers replacing letters is
just fucking stupid.
[Sanctum] Yeah
[Sanctum] NO ONE THOUSAND THREE HUNDRED AND THIRTY SEVEN SPEAK
[Sanctum] PLEASE

<Evil Steve> Theres an advert in MSN Messenger: "Buy your
winning lottery ticket here"
<Evil Steve> I reckon thats false advertising
<Evil Steve> I should buy one then sue them when I loose
<AnonymousPosterChild> I can represent you in court
<AnonymousPosterChild> I got my law degree online

<DigDug> internet access to productivity is what condoms are
to babies.
<Ash> A choking hazard?

<RikI> Havent had sex in sooooooo long
<RikI> It's gotten to the point where i masturbate thinking of
other times i masturbated.
<Vorm> ...

<Slime> I think in ten years time I will look back on days
like this and cry.
<Slime> The times I spent at 2am talking about girls who have
dicks and legs made of slugs eating each other whilst melting.
<Slime> My future wife will be all "Tell me what you did as a
teenager" and I will say " NOW IS TIME FOR SLEEP "
<MechaMrEd> And then you'll notice she has an erection

<limi> does anybody know where the Table of Contents generator
is, to save me of the embarrasment of talking to a virtual
paper clip?

<seph429> okay my uncles neighbor needed help with her
computer (shes hot++) so i said yea i'd help
<seph429> and i was installing windows xp on it and she was in
the shower, so i went to watch tv
<seph429> about 20 minutes later she walks in the livingroom
completely naked
<seph429> and is like OH SHIT I FORGOT YOU WERE HERE!
<Incubus1n> lol
<seph429> and all that came out of my mouth was woot! :(
<seph429> i live a sad life

(Chimerasame): I HAVE COMBINED TWO JAPANESE WORDS TO CREATE A
MASTERPIECE OF HORRIFYING PROPORTIONS
(Chimerasame): seppukakke.

<[18s]> i accidentally went to 'bach.org' instead of bash
<[18s]> and i found some sweet tunes.

<paat> I AM FEELING SOMETHING THAT NO EMOTICON CAN DESCRIBE

<@exit2eden9> my mother just told me the funniest story ever
<@exit2eden9> she was in the supermarket before, and this
person in front of her was fighting with her toddler...who
kept taking candy off the rack and putting it in the cart...
<@exit2eden9> she was saying "no...you cannot have candy...it
is almost dinner time and you cant have any"  and this is
going on for a while
<@exit2eden9> so the kid yells really loud:
<@exit2eden9> "if you dont let me have candy im gonna call
gramma and tell her you had daddy's peepee in your mouth"
<@exit2eden9> the woman ran out of the store...left all her
groceries there

<trollusk_zzz> ha ha slip
<trollusk_zzz> i have two quotes on bash and what do you have?
a hot girlfriend and a promising sports career! SUCKER

<Phil> i wish my girlfriend was into DDR
<knuck> i wish my girlfriend didnt end in .jpg

<ManicV> i'm saying you're racist
<ManicV> and a child molester
<eco|w> You're just jealous of my ability to multitask.

<DaFuror> ok
<DaFuror> that about sucked
<phac> what now daf?
<DaFuror> I went out to my car to get my U1 about an hour ago
<g3nocide> U1 ?
<DaFuror> Sun Ultra 1 server
<DaFuror> well, anyway
<DaFuror> these three drunk kid come outta nowhere and one of
them tried to jump me
<g3nocide> LOL
<DaFuror> I cracked his skull open with the U1
<DaFuror> just got done dealing with the fine upper arlington
police dept
<g3nocide> lol you hit him with a sun ultra one server
<DaFuror> I can
<g3nocide> LOL
<DaFuror> t
<g3nocide> omfg
<DaFuror> wait to see the police report
<g3nocide> you know you are a geek when, you protect yourself
with server hardware

<Flimsy> lert's join the BNP
<Obliriovrons> BMP
<Flimsy> if image formats were political parties, which one
would you vote for
<Obliriovrons> Listen, starting a conversation like this is
just going to lead to an argument
<Obliriovrons> And I'd hate to get in a tiff over image
formats

<fo_eva_pimpin> WHITE POWER. FUK BLACK NIGGARS. IM FUKEN
WHITE.
<xenogenesis> That's nice, dear.
<fo_eva_pimpin> SHUT UP YU STUPID BITCHHORE YO MOMMA CAN SUK
MY COK
<xenogenesis>...Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. Do you see
the injustice here? The accused claims to be of caucasian
"pigment", if you will. However, whilst claiming to be of this
race, he is attempting to sound "homie" or "black". An
immediate contradiction.
<fo_eva_pimpin> FUK YU STUPID BITCH. IM FUKEN BLACK.
<xenogenesis> Opposition rests.

Marshall: A friend of mine knows a band from his hometown who
played on one of the ferries that go between Finland and
Sweden. When they were about to board in Stockholm, the
Swedish equivalent of the DEA shows up with dogs and
everything, so the guys in the band freak out 'cause they've
(obviously) got their dope with them. After a few minutes of
"fuck maaaan, what're we gonna do maaaaan!?", one of them goes
to a Wal-Mart type store and buys a little remote-controlled
helicopter. They proceed to plant the stash on it, leave it on
the quay, board the boat and then use the remote to fly the
drugs onto the ship

*** p00bear ([email protected])
has joined #cplusplus
<p00bear> hey hey
<p00bear> so can the boolean evaluated conditional expression
achieve orgasm?
<asiib> ...
<p00bear> sure, it comes after a while!
<p00bear> :D
*** p00bear was kicked by Reagun (KK: i'm only kicking you
cause i get it)

The U.S. Government today changed its emblem from an eagle to
a condom because it more accurately reflects the government's
political stance. Condoms stand up to inflation, halt
production, destroy the next generation, protect pricks, and
give a sense of security while actually screwing you!

<James> i didn't know this sort of thing really happened, but
the other day i came home from school early and walked in on
my mom having sex with a ups guy.
<morningbell>What did you do?
<James> i hate my dad so i ordered a bunch of shit from the
internet that will be delivered by ups. :)

<Dipstick`> women exist?
<Dipstick`> well.. i've seen drawings
<Dipstick`> and my mother CLAIMS to be a women
<Dipstick`> i don't believe it though.... she doesn't look
anything like the drawings

«%[indy]Muaddib» I'm so in the closet, I'm practically in
Narnia

zadijan:  CUSTOMER NOTIFICATION. As of May 2001, Viagra will
only be available through chemists by its chemical name. So
please ask for MYCOXAFLOPPIN. Thank you.
zadijan:  ... OH MY GOD
zadijan:  THAT WAS THE BEST EMAIL I EVER RECEIVED
zadijan:  EVER

<dorian> 8======D
<stout> that smiley has a really long nose

<p2p> I was reading some thing this morning about a new condom
with a built-in vibrator
<shxrobert> oh great the rubber that makes you come as you put
the fucker on
<p2p> the downside is you have to shove the AA battery up your
ass
<Gollie> downside?

<Raiks> Has anyone got their 'Violence Against Women:
Australia Says No' booklets yet?
<Sweep> i have raiks
<Natus> i have too
<Raiks> My girlfriend opened it and got a paper cut from it,
and then belted me for laughing at her

<Monsoon`> people are stupider than previously imagined
<Monsoon`> My roommate talked to a customer today, told him to
right-click on something.  So the customer got a pen and
paper, and proceeded to write "click" on it.

<mikael> people should get beat up, for stating their beliefs
<penisbird> is that your belief?

<AJK> puff da magic hard drive lived near drive B: sorta near
the power sply in a tower owned by me

<IZZY4EL> Whats gets longer when pulled, fits between breasts,
inserts neatly in a hole, and works best when jerked?
<IZZY4EL> a seat-belt

<bullava> I was watching Conan one night and there was a
scottish guy on and he was saying that the original kilts
where used as a sleeping bag as well as clothing .... and that
since the kilt was so heavy scottish warriors would take it
off and run into battle butt naked
<BraveFencer> Makes sense.  Exit the world the samre way you
entered.  Naked and screaming.
<bullava> and plus whats more scarier seeing a man painted
blue and butt naked running at you
<BraveFencer> The above, only with an erection and a bottle of
lube in one hand.

<bossan> When I die, I want my last words to be some harsh
call that will haunt some poor bastard forever. Like, just say
to the doctor "your shirt is terrible; one of us will have to
go", then die.

Swatt> wait, whats 2nd base?
Garay> well 1st is making out, 2nd is hand job/fingering, 3rd
is oral, and 4th or home is sex...
Swatt> what about 5th?
Garay> 5th?
Swatt> anal...
Garay> oh thats not 5th, thats a foul

<Dst> revenge is sweet
<Dst> revenge is a dish best served cold
<Dst> ergo; revenge is ice cream
<Joshua> peanut butter is good, boobies are good, therefore
boobies are peanut butter
<Dst> i like your twisted logic there
<Joshua> i like boobies.

<@max> I wonder if uniball has ever thought of getting lance
armstrong to sponsor their pens

SuperCoW : i once questioned a turtle about advanced
trigonometry
SuperCoW : but after a while i found out it was only a rock
eightyapes : idiot
SuperCoW : fuck u... it was all mossy n stuff so it looked
like a turtle
eightyapes : i dont think u get my point

<saloo> hey wanna chat;)?
<Nataliehotgurl16> yeah hot guy
<saloo> a/s/l
<saloo> u thr
<Nataliehotgurl16> 16/f/ca
<saloo> 29/m here
<saloo> wanna talk sex;)?
<Nataliehotgurl16> STATUTORY RAPE
<Nataliehotgurl16> STATUTORY RAPE
<Nataliehotgurl16> STATUTORY RAPE
<Nataliehotgurl16> STATUTORY RAPE
<Nataliehotgurl16> STATUTORY RAPE
<Nataliehotgurl16> STATUTORY RAPE

<@red> so let me rephrase that
<@red> you showed up at work completely high on acid and your
boss didnt fire you because he knows you code better when
youre on drugs?
<@bl00e> pretty much

<monami> this utility has a macro recording function but no
loop command
<monami> so i record a macro, and then put a stapler on the
keyboard to hold the button down
<monami> and go have coffee
<monami> i note that the stapler, on the whole, is a more
efficient and productive employee than i am

<g0atb0t> What's ADD stand for? Attention Deficit LET'S GO
RIDE BIKES!

<ryeenae> don't worry, i'm here for you = )
<ryeenae> brb

<rush> anyone ever notice that klingons speak unix?
<rush> "Grep ls awk chmod"
<rush> "Mknod ksh tar imap"
<rush> "Wall fsck yacc"
<assassin> dude. you even give geeks a bad name.

<drunkill> fuck printers
<drunkill> I should name mine Bob Marley
<drunkill> Because its always jammin'

<+sys> diodes are too one-sided
<+fork> on the contrary, my dildos are double-sided
<+fork> diodes. ok

<notalive> have you heard those jokes they dont tell gay
people
<notalive> ?
<kebaan> i dont think so?
<kebaan> tell me one then i can tell you if i have
<notalive> i dont know any