bash.org archive

<`BuM> why is it that, no matter how much you pee into the
toilet it never fills up?

<@jestuh> i was like "i'm never going to get used to getting
SHOT AT"
* Quits: jestuh (Connection reset by peer)
* Joins: jestuh
<@jestuh> what was last line you got before disconnect?
<@_ace> <jestuh> anal sex used to hurt at first, but i learned
how to relax my muscles

<Catonic_lp> What's the opposite of Christopher Reeve?
<opticron> superman
<m0j0-j0j0> Superman
<Catonic_lp> Christopher Walken

(ArmanyGirl) Impuro, describe yourself to me
([Impuro]) well, I have 2 arms, 2 legs, a torso, a head with a
nose and eyes and etc...
(ArmanyGirl) duhh, i mean phisically

<death[a]zre> SIERRA TANGO FOXTROT UNIFORM

<CoN> ... next you'll tell me that you shaved your pubes under
the misdirection that i care
<[U|C]SKS_Lover> eh...
<[U|C]SKS_Lover> hey CoN, I shave my pubic hair under the
misdirection that you care.
<CoN> oh thanks
<[U|C]SKS_Lover> then I make socks out of it.
<CoN> ... thats weird
<[U|C]SKS_Lover> human-wool socks
<[U|C]SKS_Lover> >:D
<[U|C]SKS_Lover> wanna know how I make apple juice?
*** CoN has quit IRC

<goran> "I once said "owned" to a black man before. talk about
awkward moment..."

Flux: I've got a joke for ya...
Jet: Shoot.
Flux: Allright, so these two niggers and two spics walk into a
fag bar
Jet: HEY GOD DAMNIT MY PARENTS ARE IN THE ROOM SHIT SHIT SHIT.
Flux: Yeah, I didn't really have a punchline for that one
anyways

<Nukleon> the greek "hell" was cold
<Nukleon> like the norse
<@amz> the christian hell is also pretty cold, compared to its
heaven
<Nukleon> uh
<Nukleon> wut?
<Nukleon> heaven is bliss
<@amz> it has liquid sulfur in it, so it can't be over 400
celsius... on the other hand, the bible describes the sun in
heaven shining like 7 suns, each 7 times as bright
<@amz> which gives an estimate of 2000-3000 celsius

|Polly|: I'll rape you in the face
Phantom: My mom saw that
|Polly|: Good
|Polly|: I was talking to her

<sequence> Finally, in 1976, the Court held that
discrimination against men was just as much a violation of the
Constitution as discrimination against women. This decision
involved an Oklahoma statute permitting women to buy beer at
the age of 18 but denying men the same right until they
reached the age of 21.
<sequence> i wonder what the reasoning for that law was
<Blaxthos> uh
<Blaxthos> drunk girls put out

<vapoR> lately my mother has been complaining about how much
time the dad has been spending in the computer room..
<vapoR> she comes up to me and goes "For christmas, I want you
to get your father a gift that will get him out of that stupid
computer room!"
<vapoR> so i went out and purchased him a wireless router :p

<*> This mouse wheel is so loud I can beatbox with it.
<*> This is a skill about as far removed from "Hunter
Gatherer" as it gets.

<Bob The Plumber>: Some people had a day of silence at our
school to raise awareness for something today.
<El Chupacabra>: What were they raising awareness for?
<Bob The Plumber>: I dunno, they wouldn't tell me

<DarthSemiAway> 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilamockingbirds

<vaguepant> Woooooooow.
<vaguepant> This woman is immensely full of shit.
<vaguepant> "The damage that can be done to children by seeing
a woman's breast in public is not that far off from the damage
that can be done ...
<vaguepant> "to children who engage in sexual activities with
adults."
<Wikidan829> oh no!! not titties!!
<Wikidan829> that's absolutely insane
<EdBoy> vaguepant: what the FUCK?
<vaguepant> If the damage is that minor, I'm gonna start
fucking kids right now

xxx : My grandpa knew exactly the day he gonna die :/
yyy : wtf... its impossible. Was it a magician who told him
that ?
xxx : Lol :) no, it was judge

< k5egg> the fucking oil spill is several hundred times larger
than AT&T's 3G coverage...
< n1lqj> Unlike AT&T the oil spill is guaranteed to cover
everyone

<ckx> hrm does anybody else ever think "yep... the internet...
vast information and opportunities at my disposal..."
<ckx> and then just sit at the search engine
<ckx> :/

<Atob> a alphabetically be in organised sentence should words

<GinjaNinja> Your momma is so fat, she gets -8 to her AC.

<demografik> fuck! i attempted to make cinnamon toast but i
failed. lets just say i have an overabundance of chicken
seasoning toast.

<Jester|TV> im not much of a programming fan...but i guess my
teacher was a dumb biatch which is why
<Jester|TV> well theres some programming in the telecomm as
well
<Martel> I'd never done real programming until first year
<Martel> I like how the word programming lined up 3 times
<Martel> YES!
<Martel> 4

(lawngrl): im gonna insert my ipod in my vagina tonight and go
to sleep i love it so much
(Fire_on_High): I'm quite sure that'll void your warranty

*** Lara is now known as Lara|out
<jad> look at this
* jad eats Lara|out

<Ded`work> "Roses are red, violets are blue, all of my base,
are belong to you"...heh, cute
<Ded`work> a geek valetine poem
<Arcturus> Roses are #FF0000, violets are #0000FF
<phillys> rofl

<apeloverage> my friend was fired from his job in a sex shop
<apeloverage> when his boss found evidence that he'd been
looking at bus timetables on his work computer

<patti11_> anyone wanna talk to a f/10???
<Desantnik> patti11_: Of course you're one of those 10 year
olds that goes to Columbia university
*** patti11_ ([email protected]) has left #Kids

<silentpyjamas> heeehheeeh.  once my sister's former best
friend was having a baby and she couldn't think of a name.  we
walked past a coke machine and i said "how about dasani?"  how
was i to know she'd totally take my advice?  i'm responsible
for a kid being named after a coke product

<G-ZeuZ> When two people kiss, they create a tube with an
asshole at each end.
<wufei> put that in your online dating profile
<wufei> you'll stand out

<commerceheights> wow, I managed to get a syntax error on line
23 of a twenty-line file

<Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Nick^> CS!
<Mr_Day> I think Nick is trying to tell us something.  What is
it, boy?  Is Timmy trapped down a well?

<timmo> you know what i hate
<timmo> errors that wont go away
<Guilty> So you dislike children too

<MVC|Programming> You know how the US is fighting a War on
Terror and when it's over there'll be no more terror?
<&Darkagentx> alledgedly, yes
<&Darkagentx> :P
<MVC|Programming> And how we fought the War on Drugs, and now
there are no more drugs?
<&Darkagentx> oh right, of course
<MVC|Programming> And how we had a War on Poverty and no one's
poor anymore?
<&Darkagentx> Naturally
<MVC|Programming> We should totally have a War on War, then
there'd be no more war.
<&Darkagentx> ...genius!

<lordpie> Life sucks so much right now. It seems I'm spending
all of it doing math.
<Rosti_LFC> You are "Math Boy"
<Rosti_LFC> Doer of math
<Rosti_LFC> Unable to integrate with society. Only with
functions of x

(@BigTruck): 'magine havin' to go to the emergency room and
fill out that little questionaire paper at the beginning
"description of ailment"
(@Phitz): hahahaha
(@BigTruck): i got a nerf football stuck in my hootie
*** Joins: hootie ([email protected])
(@BigTruck): :o
(@Phitz): wtf
(@BigTruck): my mind just exploded
(@Phitz): *nod*

<Casm> so lemme get this straight...
<Casm> you asked for sex on the 2nd date
<Casm> and when she said no you started crying?
<Fr0id> yep
<Casm> and she felt sorry for ya and put out?
<Fr0id> yep
<Casm> so in order to get pussy, you gotta BE a pussy?
<Fr0id> seems like it
<Casm> i swear to god the whole fuckin world's against me!

<Dr.Jew> So im training to become technician/consumer sales
representative and the instructor tells us we get to listen to
a few of the most outrageous calls theyve recorded. He plays
the first one and, I couldnt make this up, a guy calls in and
is telling the rep that his mouse is all the way on the left
edge of the mousepad but he needs the pointer to go to the
left some more. After about 15 minutes of nerdy laughter, he
asks this kid what he would say in a situation like that and
the kid says "Sir, based on my interpretation of the
information you gave me, I suggest purchasing one of our
larger mousepads.".

<DrNick668> i was clever enough to flush a condom in a toilet
and now if i look down the drain in my bathroom there is a
condom snagged on something hanging halfway down the hole
<DrNick668> i can't move it
<Livewireo> drain the toilet and dig it out
<c-rOCK> fuck that
<c-rOCK> eat some burritos
<c-rOCK> attack with force.

<Vitor> When exactly did we stop talking about my penis?
<Gummi_Bear> We've moved on to bigger and better things.

<elitotaco> ok
<elitotaco> ive got to go finish cleaning my room
<elitotaco> or else i cant go camping
<-- elitotaco has quit ()
<asshat> OMG what a loser
<asshat> gtg moms calling

<Match> DAMMIT! All my half life cd keys are in use! I can't
get on CS!
<Match> Those monkeyfuckers who actually bought the game are
probably playing it!
<H4Z3> Does their evil know no bounds?

<Chelle> I'm gonna get something to eat - brb
<GreenDragon> If they had an eating contest Chelle would win.
<Slerte> Nah, I could eat her under the table any day.
<Slerte> err

mrspeak3r: i vnc'd from my work box to my home box
mrspeak3r: then remote-desktop'd from my home box to my work
box.
mrspeak3r: It was like my desktop was the front man in an 80s
music video.
mrspeak3r: ...
mrspeak3r: except it was a video that lasted 10 seconds and
crashed 2 computers.

Niv)Mutal: There is a crack in my window blinds, and every
time I turn around, I see an eye staring through the glass at
me. I can't deal with this any longer, its making me lose
games. Any opinions / comments / suggestions?
Hot_Bid: take the ring off

<l0> allright, it's official: i live in a world of retards
<l0> the guy sitting next to me didn't know the answer on the
completion test
<l0> so he wrote in "i am retartet"
<l0> the teacher wrote back "no shid"

<Kaz> Let's tell scary stories!
<The_Karma_Police> Ok, I'll start.
<The_Karma_Police> There was this guy, and he was in the
kitchen...OF DOOM!
<The_Karma_Police> And in that kitchen, he baked...THE PIE OF
LOST SOULS!
<The_Karma_Police> And to cool that pie, he put it in...THE
WINDOW TO HELL!
<Kaz> Ok, let's promise ourselves to never tell scary stories
again...ever

<EvilBlood> i had a crazy dream last night
<EvilBlood> my mother barged into my room and started hitting
my computer
<EvilBlood> i threw her down, and ended up sniffing her pussy
through her panties
<EvilBlood> weird
«@ tanlin999» so what was the dream?
<EvilBlood> oh yeah that
<EvilBlood> well

<Heavy_Clown> Funny how IRC is mostly populated by elitist,
ignorant pre-pubescent teenagers who can't even construct an
intelligent insult. |:
<Vick> heavy....its funny how your probably 32 or something
and have nothing better to do than try to out smart teenagers
on irc

Aquillar> hey, you guys ever play kmem russian roulette?
Agnostos> I don't believe I have. care to explain the details?
Aquillar> dd if=/dev/urandom of=/dev/kmem bs=1 count=1 seek=
$RANDOM
Aquillar> keep executing until system crashes
Aquillar> person that crashes system has to buy beer
Agnostos> lol
Agnostos> I wonder if I can sneak that into a server startup
script here.

<Foamy> im a little teapot
<Foamy> short and stout
<Foamy> here is my handle
* Trueborn has kicked Foamy from #totse (get the fuck out)

TheMan: Can one person type !add 2+2?
Node: !add 2+2
Aranjedeath: it dont work
Aranjedeath: yeah
Zabikten: $calc(2+2)
Zabikten: hm
Node: !add 2+2
Zabikten: dude
Zabikten: it's fucking 4
Zabikten: why do you need a calculator?

<Crac|ked> So anyway my griendfriend came over last night and
like i was playing CS and not paying her any attention,
<Crac|ked> so like she silently slid under my desk and undid
my pants and gave me oral -
<Crac|ked> to cut a long story short after i was done, she
looked up at me and said:
<Crac|ked> "You do realise i just gave you a geeks fanatasy -
CS and a blow-job!"
<RoCkYTrAiL> lol.
<JimmyBoy> I don't think that's a good fantasy...
<JiveHut> FAG!!!
<RoCkYTrAiL> fag!
<Treader> homo
<JimmyBoy> :(

sitexec: okay, question
sitexec: if you have a whole loaf of bread, and 3 peices have
mold, are the rest okay?
kitchen: sitexec, not bread
kitchen: cheese yes, bread no
sitexec: they wernt touching each other
kitchen: doesnt matter
sitexec: hmm, second question
sitexec: what if ive eaten it already?

TheItch: Dude, funniest thing ever!
TheItch: I walk into the bathroom at work, walk up to a
urinal, and get ready to... you know.
TheItch: From one of the stalls, I hear a low rumble, which
escalates to a groan, and then to a roar.
TheItch: What follows can only be described as the most vile
and putrid sounds of human excretion in history. This man
apparently pooped out his intestines.
TheItch: Moments later, I hear from the same stall, "Oh god!
Someone CALL AN AMBULANCE!"
TheItch: Now, this is an executive restroom at a private bank,
and the door has a number lock on it, so it's not some kid
trying to be funny. And the man sounded genuinely distressed.
TreesSneezing: lmao! What did you do?
TheItch: Suppressed my laughter as best as I could, zipped up
and got the hell out of there.

<SYch0> [^_^
<blazemore> cellphones will give you cancer

<Ash> Anybody can get a girlfriend, just like anybody can get
a job. Most likely he has a "minimum wage" girlfriend.

(Matt^^^) Ok, walk up to a really hot chick and say "I bet you
20 bucks I can make your tits jiggle without touching them"
(Matt^^^) then grab her tits, give her 20 bucks and walk away

Stinkysteven67: I love married with children. Its a great
show.
Lucy17: It's ok, One thing that bugs me about that show,
In the pilot series they had Al bundy sounding like he was
from Brooklyn
or something when they are supposed to be from Chicago.
Stinkysteven67: Where do you think brooklyn is dork?
Lucky17: Its in new york goofball, chicago is in illinios.
Stinkysteven67: Oh sorry, I've never been good at geometry.
Lucy17: Umm yea..

<kjones> last night i had sex with a model.
<simtaxijunki> O.o
<kjones> but then the glue melted
<kjones> and one of the wings fell off.
<kjones> go figure.

<TomRiddle> Nothing a couple of hands around her neck can't
fix
<Tine`> lol
<Tine`> good luck
<Tine`> I got knivs
<Tine`> knjives
<Tine`> knives
<TomRiddle> Are you typing with them?

<conlusio_> ok I can't fucking win today
<conlusio_> ATM eats my card
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conlusio_> Staples stopped shipping UPS for this week due to
'retraining due to shipping a hazardous container'
<conlusio_> and everyone fucking bails on me in the middle of
my rant :(
<conlusio_> I knew I was bitching but jeezus
<conlusio_> ....

<refugee> man
<refugee> you cant cancel an AOL subscription online
<dwai> try to do it over the phone
<refugee> and they want your screenname when you cancel
<refugee> so I gotta be like "yeah, my screenname is
SIZZLINGCROTCH"

<Artemius> LONDON   Iran has established what could be the
first training center for Islamic suicide attackers.
<Treen> How does one train for a suicide bombing?
<Traveler> It's indoctrination, plus training on how not to
detonate prematurely, and how to get your payload safely to
where you are supposed to explode. I'd imagine there's a fair
amount of "not getting caught" training involved.
<Sketchboy> So a lot like sex-ed?

Promisemememphis: there was a girl in one of my bio teachers
classes and they had to put a cotton swab in their mouth and
look at the slide
Promisemememphis: he went to look at hers because she saw
something moving and told her it was a sperm
Promisemememphis: which meant that she'd just given some guy
head in lunch like fifteen minutes before hand
Promisemememphis: he wouldn't let her leave the class either

<dmonk> ok, what bible character would you fuck?
<bobert> jesus christ man
<dmonk> ew seriously? id want eve

<welzi> you're not one of these pretend geeks who secretly has
a social life are you?

(Headache) oh <censored>, the power just went off
(Headache) ....
(Headache) wait a minute
(Headache) y does this seem wrong

<Undertow-TOoL> You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she
started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97
today and we don't know where the hell she is