bash.org archive

<DooMStalK> I was bored, and called 1-800-COW-FUCK once, only
to find out COW and BOY take up the same numbers on the phone

<@sioux> it's going to be tricky tomorrow, i don't know if
i'll make it
<@sioux> so if something happens to me, will one of you come
and delete my pr0n?
<@sioux> i don't want my mother to find it
<@sioux> but please make sure i'm dead. wait until after the
funeral. don't delete that shit while i'm still on life
support or in a coma or something
<@sioux> if by some "act of god" or a donor organ i'm
miraculously saved, and i come home and all my pr0n is gone,
i'm going to kill myself

<hazza-> there was a young vampire named mable 
<hazza-> who's periods where really quite stable 
<hazza-> and every full moon
<hazza-> she'd get out a spoon
<hazza-> and drink herself under the table
<|iCARUS> sick bastard
<|iCARUS> i like it tho :0

<beefstain> i wish faggots would stop putting my deoderant on
me with their tongues while i slumber
<beefstain> i mean
<beefstain> YARR, MANLY THINGS

<Goof> Did you know that helicopters are souls of fallen
tanks?

<BadMojo> when I finally have kids, I'm going to constantly
tell them "i fucked your mom"

«@Sheps» Neom, you fucktard
«@neomonk» ?
«@Deeps» Pld.
«@neomonk» stfu dan or i'll gline you. :o
«@Sheps» I just d/led your script from your website and it has
all your oper passwords saved
«@neomonk» wtf?
::Snotice-> Sheps is now a Network Administrator
***Quits neomonk [email protected] (Glined(muhahahaha)
***Quits deeps [email protected] (Glined
(muhahahaha)
«@Sheps» muahahaha owned
***Quits Sheps [email protected]
(Glined(Network Abuse)
::Joins:: neomonk ([email protected])
***Quits neomonk [email protected]
(Glined(You fucking idiot.)

<bill> neo is spending all his time fixing his new van
<Kevin> If its new, why does it need fixing?
<bill> Kevin: heh, if you asked that question about software,
it would sound completely idiotic

<KitBoxPocket> jesus christ
<KitBoxPocket> we've had this number for ten years
<KitBoxPocket> TEN. YEARS.
<KitBoxPocket> And we STILL get calls from people asking for
the fucking Hatfields!
<KitBoxPocket> I swear, one of these days I'm going to answer
with "No! We's the McCoys and we's a-feudin'!"

<CragHack>Theory is when you know everything and nothing
works.
<CragHack>Practice is when things work, and noone knows why.
<CragHack>Here we combine theory and practice.
<CragHack>Nothing works and noone knows why.
<Bs> O.o lol'd.

<|Chris> okay...here's one
<|Chris> what's the worst crime you've ever commited?
<Guilty> I once taped a Golden Girls episode with only implyed
oral permission and not expressed written permission

<@Zero> adding an h next to an s in every word spices it up
<@Zero> shpanks, shandels, shaffire, shilly, shaddup
<Red_Baron> until you tell your dog to sit

<sortof> i need ducktape so i can take a shower
<DEZM> uhhhh
<DEZM> i dont want to know what you do with that
<sortof> i tape up my knob real good
<sortof> to keep it down
<DEZM> uhhhhhhhh
<sortof> noo on the shower
<sortof> the drain wont stay closed

<DruMorgan> Anyone remember Big Bird singing the song about
the alphabet pronouncing it as one big word?
<DruMorgan> AbkaDefGiJekylmanopriqstuvixez
<MrSnazz> didn't that open up a gateway to hell or something?

<DarkPaladin> You know how people don't spea properly ost of
the time?
<DarkPaladin> *most
<DarkPaladin> *speak
<Tiddles> I do now.

<DAMNIT> My god I hate being new clerk at the pharmacy where I
work...
<DAMNIT> Today some 80 year old guy comes in with a giant
syringe, asking if we had it.
<DAMNIT> The guy handed me it, I took it in my hand, and I
looked in every part of the store possible cause I had no clue
in hell what it was.
<DAMNIT> So, I go in back and ask the owner if we have it or
can order it, still holding it in my hand.
<DAMNIT> The owner then bursts out laughing and point at me,
so I go "What's so funny? The guy just wants to order it?"
<DAMNIT> So the owner goes "That's a enema syringe. It's
probally been up his ass plenty of times by the color of it!"
<DAMNIT> I then procede to calmly walk back to the front, give
the guy his anal sucker back, and the owner then deals with
him about ordering it.
<DAMNIT> Meenwhile I put every soap we have on my hands and
rub like hell for 20 minutes till my skin is completely raw.
<DAMNIT> And I'm the laughing stock of the store now, and 2 of
my relatives work there, so soon my whole family will be
laughing at me......

<Lloyddy> Can anyone tell me what sex feels like?  My friend
wants to know

Kanishka: The vagina has 3 holes right?
Sahil: no
Kanishka: Yeah it does; one for the dick and two for the balls
<lol>
Sahil: No you fucking dumbass, there aren't three holes
Kanishka: Then where do the balls go in?
Kyle: They...don't.

Princess Ryo: lindsay, you're not good at keeping secrets at
all.
SynistraDeath: rob my dad is in here
SynistraDeath: shut up
Princess Ryo: LINDSAY
Princess Ryo: EVEN IF WE ARE OCEANS APART
Princess Ryo: I STILL WANT TO BE WITH YOU FOREVER
SynistraDeath: shut up
Princess Ryo: SEND ME MORE LETTERS
Princess Ryo: AND MORE PANTIES
SynistraDeath: ROB SHUT THE FUCK UP
Princess Ryo: PREFFERABLY SOILED PLZKTHX

<Lucien>  a small question.. will you rewrite you're history
books now that you hate us and write that US should have been
liberated even with OUT massive support from french military? 
and maybe benjamin franklin never got his idees from paris?
maybe he didn't even visite the country...
<Stormrider> Lucien, do you speak German?
<Lucien> no, but swedish :P
<Stormrider> You don't speak German, though?
<Lucien> eh no
<Stormrider> You're welcome.

<epictetus> is <3 supposed to be a heart or an ass hat?

<ConqSoft> I don't like tan lines myself.
<ConqSoft> I can find all the good parts of a woman on my own,
without the help of color-coding.

< uidzero> This dewd wanted me to host his site for him one
time. So I checked things out and "whois"ed his domain and
etc. I wanted to make sure he was legit. So I called the
number and he mom and answered. "Can I talk to so-and-so? She
replied, "You sound to old to be calling my son.", "Well ma
`am, your son wants me to host his site, so I was calling to
make sure it was.." <pause> <pause> "hold on..." (In the back
ground I heard her yelling at him for being on the computer
after 8 and he started crying.) <click>.. Next day, I get /msg
"Thanks a f**king lot, she took the computer and found       
all of my videos, I'm grounded forever.... "Quits:".

<theTrick> Canada volunteered 10 Battleships, 4 Jet Fighters,
and 200 Soldiers to the U.S. anti-terrorism cause, after the
exchange rate, that came up to 4 canoes, 2 flying squirrels
and 3 canadian mounties

<DIguana> Canada: Home of the largest French population never
to surrender to Germany.

<lsd> my win2k box is being a bitch
<HrdwrBoB> that's the default setting
<HrdwrBoB> you have to edit the registry

<GOD|away> Crackheads will rule this country! We will rise up!
And teach you all that we are the superior race...
<GOD|away> WHITE POWDER!

<outcaste> costume party tip #417 - If you forget to pick up a
costume, just turn up in your underwear. If someone asks you
what you've arrived as, just say "premature ejaculation - I
came in my underwear".
<sara> oh god that's awful
<outcaste> yes, yes it is
<jimmie> what a great idea
ð jimmie/#hades makes notes
<outcaste> or...wear a condom on your nose, when people ask
you what you are, just say "fuck knows"

<+[GG]Kou> Wow, I was in the bathroom, reading the comic
strips, and I came across one I liked, and so I thought "wow I
wonder what the score on this one is" and I was expecting
something like (894), but instead, it said "Dilbert". :(
<+GPT> wtf is wrong with you... lol
<hi> yeah seriously you fuckin loser who the hell reads
dilbert

LoCo643: if you masterbate to the same girl more then 10
times, it is ok to call them your girlfriend
LoCo643: its a rule

Seppuko I: ever jack a guy off with your feet?
PrettyPrincess1: no
Seppuko I: do you want to?
PrettyPrincess1 no
Seppuko I: would you if asked?
PrettyPrincess1: no
Seppuko I: what if he had a gun to your head?
PrettyPrincess1: yea
Seppuko I: SCORE

{RainmakeR}: fuck I'm a retard
{RainmakeR}: I was trying to use windows magnifier to enlarge
the dead pixel area to look at it better
{RainmakeR}: i had it open for like 5 seconds, then like "wait
a minute... "

<Asday>  Hey, the amount of bash quotes has gone down...
<iddo>  ?
<Asday>  Was 20720.  Now it's 20718.
<iddo>  could you have less of a life?
<Asday>  I try.

<Ghaleon> I'm a programmer for a company that ports english
made games to the japanese market
<PcChip> Make one say "ALL YOUR BASE" in japanese to get back
at them.

<kate> you MALE.  always wanting to talk about football
instead of my menstrual cycle.

<cwilbur> we have a database table with fifteen million rows
in it.
<cwilbur> they brought a manual database change in.
<cwilbur> "please print a table dump before and after you make
the change."
<Azhrarn> nothing like hard copy to recover mistakes from!
<cwilbur> there are fifteen million rows in the table.  if you
want us to make a dump of the table just in case, that makes
sense.  but do you really want a *book*?
<cwilbur> "our policy says that we need a printout."
<confound> hahaha
<cwilbur> oooookay.
<Azhrarn> print out a link to the backup on your intranet :)
<confound> "that's not MY policy."
<cwilbur> no, they want a printout, they'll get a printout.
<pmichaud> what font size?  how many lines per page?
<Azhrarn> Poor trees
<Halfjack> They'll only want it once.
<cwilbur> when someone asks why we've gone through three toner
cartridges and the printer is still printing, we'll refer them
to the twit.
<Azhrarn> shrink the font till it fits on one page :)
<pmichaud> purl, 15000000 / 66
<purl> 227272.727272727
<Azhrarn> !
<pmichaud> purl, 227272 / 5000
<purl> 45.4544
<pmichaud> 45 cases of paper :-)
<pmichaud> at 66 lines per page
<Azhrarn> and after he makes the changes...

<atrus> i worked on a project once where somebody named
variables defined in various places explicity so on one line
of code, it showed up as:
<atrus> function_name($all, $urBase, $rBelong, $toUs);
<atrus> closest i've ever come to manslaughter

<[HZ]Mitlancer> Dont talk about death.... please my
grandfather just died
<[HZ]Mitlancer> No serious he did just die....
<[HZ]Mitlancer> In a way im quite proud of him
<[HZ]Mitlancer> he died having sex to my grandma, he is 93
years old and was getting his thing on
<[HZ]Mitlancer> anyways my grandma said "We were doing it on
sunday morning, it was sunday cause he could use the church
bells to pace himself"
<[HZ]Mitlancer> i think he would be alive today if an icecream
van didnt go past

<fade> Dear France,
<fade> Bite Me
<fade> Signed,
<fade> Fade
<Queued> Dear Fade,
<Queued> We surrender
<Queued> Love,
<Queued> France

<@Sadist> http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/e/ef/
Age_of_Consent.png
<@Sadist> data for age of consent all around the world.
<Dano> Is that in your bookmarks?
<@Sadist> its my home page

<Starfleet> I'm playin America's Army Online
<Starfleet> My task is to provide Friendly Fire

TrivBaby: QUESTION:  1992 - what did the church of england
allow women to become?
catman1229: men
destinatas: priests
destinatas: clergy
ZaDaRoN: members
LmRiVaRaT: sluts
QuarkSoupXYZ: pregnanat
LmRiVaRaT: bitches
destinatas: queens
LmRiVaRaT: hoes
ZaDaRoN: divorced
LmRiVaRaT: whores
dbcpool: voters

-([AfZ]Curse)- i just ripped the most putrid fart ever
-([AfZ]Curse)- and my fucking dog looked at me and walked out
of my room

<Manson> and I think I had a virus
<Manson> something about jewish dating
<GrEmLiN> you got the jew virus?
<Manson> I think so...
<Kirby> lemme guess, it took all your cache?

<Z> Letting XP run for more than a month is like re-using a
condom 50 or 60 times
<Z> Theoretically it can work, but is sick and ill advised

Ruben: You know it was a good shit when you come back and your
screensaver's on.

--- bobby sets ban on *!*@*.mx
<@bobby> lets see the mexicans get over that wall.

<JDigital> We need our own Dance 4.14 bot.
<JDigital> *Dancer
<MrSede> A dance bot..?
<MrSede> Do a random Kirby dance every few minutes?
<MrSede> ..while telling the weather
<Brentai> <(^_^<) (>^_^)>  It's fucking hot!
<MrSede> Forecast for today will be cloudy [*bust a move*]
with a slight chance of [*booty shakin*] rain
<MrSede> If the weatherman were more like that I'd watch the
News more often

Lbreevesii: You know you are a geek when you're surfing porn
and start noticing things like the thermaltake pc case, custom
speakers, and external hard drive on the desk behind the
action.

<DreadS> wow
<DreadS> evl - are you shrooming ?
<evl> dude
<evl> i wish
<evl> that way i could goto bed comforted
<DreadS> E ?
<evl> knowing there wasnt a goddamned vampire
<evl> flyin around my house

<black-ice> this girl I went out with last night was pretty
cute.
<black-ice> I can't believe she said 'no' for a second date.
<black-ice> We had a lot of fun, right up until I beat her at
chess.
<goKev> DUDE!  You took a girl out on a CHESS DATE and you're
trying to figure out why you didn't get a second date?!?!
<black-ice> Good point.  I probably should have let her win.

<IgnusDei> i hate my BROTHER
<IgnusDei> and MY SISTER
<Hyperian> i love your sister
<IgnusDei> no you wouldn't
<IgnusDei> oh sure the sex is great at first
<IgnusDei> but then she's such a bitch

<blinkchik> can i become a bot and how??

(@MpTaNk) today, somthing on TV was going in slow motion, and
my first reaction was "Damnit, the tv is lagging"

<homenerd> How many surrealists does it take to change a
lightbulb?
<homenerd> Fish

<chanman`> everyone at school is saving for a car
<chanman`> im saving for a server rack

*** Now talking in #bible
<Synial> Have you ever wondered what JESUS looks like without
his skimpy loincloth? WITH advanced technology, we have made a
realistic image of the full Jesus!  Is he hung like his dad?
FIND OUT NOW! FREE XXX PICTURES!!!

<Notoes> YES
<Notoes> FINALLY
<TlMMAH> u kissed a girl?
<Notoes> no
<Notoes> EXTERNAL 60GIG HD

<RastaJew> when a girl says she has no new nude pics and you
ask for her old ones dont say "the older the better"

<pengo> parents coming tomorrow.. empty trash, hide bong, wear
clothes

<skunk> oooohhh i'll be out in a second dad 8=w=D 8w==D 8=w=D
8==wD ~ ~ ~ ahh

<@xyst> perl made me angry last week.
<@xyst> so angry i wrote something in java instead.
<@ecoli> wtf could it have done to make you do that?
<@ecoli> that's like saying "hot naked women made me so angry
i had to go slam my penis in a car door"

<Demonhunter> so.. i may be losing my cable modem soon.. who
knows
<Idle_Timmy> man, that sucks.
<Idle_Timmy> maybe you need a mike's hard lemonade.
<Demonhunter> i need a liter of jaggermeister
<Demonhunter> and alzadie
<Idle_Timmy> tell me a hooker couldn't help.
<Demonhunter> depends on the hooker
<Idle Timmy> a hooker with dsl in her hotel room
<Demonhunter> ohh...
<Demonhunter> now i could use that
<Demonhunter> i would be downloading so much porn with her dsl
connection...
<Idle_Timmy> "What kind of 'bandwidth' do you get, if you know
what i mean"
<Demonhunter> hehe
<Idle_Timmy> "Depends on your 'hardware', sugar" ;o
<Idle_Timmy> "So where can i 'plug it in'?"
<Idle_Timmy> "oooohh, you bring the 'modem', big boy, and i'll
give you an 'outlet'"
<Idle_Timmy> "oh yeah, baby, I got your modem RIGHT HERE"
<Idle_Timmy> *pulls a laptop out of his trenchcoat*
<Demonhunter> lmao...
<Idle_Timmy> "now let's see if my 'router' is compatible with
your 'hub' and we can get some 'peer to peer' action going"

<fiednmade> also before last year of my mom accusing me of
being crazy for talking to people over the internet
<fiednmade> she thought I wasn't really talking to other
people
<fiednmade> but to myself in some sort of game
<fiednmade> and I got medicated and placed in an institution
for three months

<zshzn> the other day my programming teacher said
"Richaaaard....I have a technical problem"
<zshzn> I looked over to see that his tower was gone. just not
there.
<zshzn> how that happened, I don't know
<zshzn> about four of us went and stood around his desk in
quiet confusion
<zshzn> one of them was like 'at least you still have a
mouse...'

<Doc> All this pollen is killing me,  You can see the green
clouds of it floating in the air.
<Doc> pollen is just tree sperm...
<Doc> I feel like mother nature just gave me a facial..

<tom_> i heard that if you walk into a fridge and close the
door you cant get out again
<tom_> im sure if i got stuck in a fridge i could get out
<tom_> im gonna fuckin try it

<tmhaidnk> whoa i can submit my prayers via html based forms !

<Amergin|afk> I am dyslexic of Borg. You will be ass laminated