bash.org archive

<krulos> my bud had sex with his girl last night 4 times and
in the morning she said,"He was the best she ever had."
<krulos> i told him i had sex with my girl 6 time last night
and this morning she said,"I was God!" lol. how many times did
u get it on last night?
<KavorkianKilled> once
<krulos>hahaha, did she say anything to you this morning?
<KavorkianKilled> yeah, don't stop.

John423: I love her with all my <3.
Acsabh: You love her with all your less than 3? Inches?

<Folkomo> So in class today we were playing guesstures or
password- one of those games you have to guess a word or
phrase- my friend apparently got T.V., but I didn't know that.
He got up and said "Back in my Grandma's days, these used to
only be black and white."
<Folkomo> I fucked up and said "water fountains" outloud.
<Folkomo> ...thats why I got detention.

<frogger> does anone know of an algorithm to generate random
numbers in an increasing sequence?
<JubJub> Use the Pullit-Hofften method
<frogger> what's that?
<JubJub> Just ask cheesy how many times he's masturbated today
<CheeseZone> 11, why?

BonusStageInBed: let me spell it out for you
BonusStageInBed: ES
BonusStageInBed: EL
BonusStageInBed: OH
BonusStageInBed: DOUBLE U
blonde4u: slouu?

digicow: I'm gonna train my children to say sudo instead of
please

schala: ... youve never had a pap smear.
schala: Let me explain
schala: they make you lay on a cold hospital bed with your
legs like whee and then they shove a whoops in your wahoo and
make it go zweep and then it goes weeeeeem and then they poke
your weebleweebles and then you're done
danni: -Blinks.-
danni: Explain that in ENGLISH?!
schala: I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO A METAL CHIP CLIP

<adidasdood> anyone smallville 403 yet?
<spacerat> verbs, dude, verbs
<spacerat> that sentence clearly requires a verb

<Devilbunny> when talking to a girl who's a programmer about
dating prospects, I said not to worry.
<Devilbunny> as a programmer, she'll be exposed to geek boys
who may have never seen a girl before, and she can have her
pick of the litter
<Devilbunny> someone else interjected saying "The odds are
good, but the goods are odd."

figs: whatcha doin man
trawlz: moping cause i have no life, you?
figs: just opened like 50 starburst
figs: gonna see how many i can put in my mouth at once =D
trawlz: well shit. i feel better already

<JayNiN> So yeah, guys, my dad and I had a big arguement last
night...It's actually pretty fucking awkward.
<SimCard> Yeah? Tell us about.
<JayNiN> Heh, you guys aren't going to believe this...but
anyways.
<JayNiN> So last night, my sister was trying to get her AOL
connection shut off (yes, I know...who the fuck still uses
AOL?)
<JayNiN> and I decide to go to the regional chatrooms
<JayNiN> 10 minutes in the chatroom, some random guy IMs me
and is like "ASL"
<JayNiN> so I fuck around with the guy saying "19/F/WY"
<JayNiN> The guy starts tripping out and is like "omg, I'm
from Wyoming!"
<JayNiN> and so I'm like "Oh, really? What part?"
<JayNiN> the guy goes "Cheyenne"...I shit myself. I'm from
Cheyenne!
<JayNiN> Out of nowhere, the guy asks for my phone number...so
I was feeling a bit mischievious and I wanted to have my
sister talk to him and then we would just prank the guy.
<JayNiN> Well, I give the guy my number and out of nowhere he
goes..."JAKE!? What the fuck!?"
<JayNiN> I trip out and I'm like "Who the hell are you? And
how do you know my name/number!?"
<JayNiN> and he goes "GET THE FUCK HOME RIGHT NOW!"
<JayNiN> It was my dad...

<g-core> Arnold Schwarzenegger has a long 1, Michael J. Fox
has a little one, Madonna doesn't have one and the Pope has
one but doesn't use it.  What is it.
<pip> last name
<pip> no wait
<pip> penis

<Guilty> Oh god I just changed my pw and instantly forgot it

<@buo> A byte walks into a bar and orders a pint. Bartender
asks him "What's wrong?" Byte says "Parity error." Bartender
nods and says "Yeah, I thought you looked a bit off."

aspuffnstuff: The third one looks like something they used in
Star Wards
aspuffnstuff: *Wars
alykat: lol "star wards"
alykat: an epic about a hospital set in space
alykat: "use the forceps, luke"
volcanogirl: come.. to the bed pan. the bed pan!
aspuffnstuff: OBGYN kenobi!

Crimson Seiko: Maybe a newer version of AIM obliterated the
future?
Crimson Seiko: * feature

McKhaos: this guy asks me
McKhaos: how many people work in your company ?
McKhaos: my answer
McKhaos: about a third

<LifeIsGood2u> I got the worst fortune after having a condom
break
<Incubor> what
<LifeISGood2u> "Even the smallest leak can sink a ship"
<Incubor> Damn Asian Cookies

<sic1> so you tried to go home
<sic1> and it wouldn't start?
<sp4nk> Indeed.
<sp4nk> I wish I knew a thing or two about cars.
<sp4nk> I wonder if there's a troubleshooter online that's
like Microsoft's thing.
<sp4nk> Problem: My car will not start.
<sic1> HAHAHA
<sp4nk> Suggestion: Have you tried turning the key?
<sp4nk> [ ] Yes, this solved the problem.
<sp4nk> [x] No, the car still will not start.
<sp4nk> This troubleshooter is unable to solve your problem.

(@Impure1NZ): Anyone else notice that 'strap on' spelt
backwards is 'no parts'?

Connor: Firefox 3.5. Download it.
Andrew: Give me the top 5 reasons to download it.
True: In iambic pentameter
Connor: For private browsing, tear-off tabs and then some,
Connor: Download Firefox three point five and see:
Connor: It's using Gecko one point nine point one,
Connor: And over twice as fast as Firefox three.
Connor: Pwned.

<SKS> Hey, type lana backwards.
<LadyGrace> SKS, anal?
<SKS> Yes, please.
<WhoaOutOfControl> Hey SKS, type cips backwards.
<SKS> spic
* SKS was kicked by Anubis- (Racist language detected (4 hour
ban) -- (207 served))
<WhoaOutOfControl> Teehee
<rancid_alan> What an ass.

<otto|sleep> 3.  What is the longest river in Scotland?
<otto|sleep> Here's your 1st hint: t__
<rP^paveway> teh river
<otto|sleep> Here's your 2nd hint: ta_
<rP^paveway> tet
<rP^paveway> tat
<rP^paveway> taq
<rP^paveway> taw
<rP^paveway> tae
<rP^paveway> tas
<rP^paveway> tad
<rP^paveway> tag
<rP^paveway> tac
<rP^paveway> tah
<rP^paveway> taf
<rP^paveway> taj
<rP^paveway> tak
<rP^paveway> tab
<rP^paveway> tan
<rP^paveway> tam
<rP^paveway> cmon...
<otto|sleep> Time's up! The answer was: tay
<rP^paveway> mother of god

<@dawoker> my manager dropped by and told me to stop using
things like "my president is an assclown" in string testing
for some of our code.

<olah> what does 'dunno' mean?
<goof> i don't know
<olah> anyone else?
<goof> i said i don't know
<olah> yeah, i saw...but does anyone else know what it means?
<goof> I DON'T KNOW !!
<olah> yeah, i know
<goof> then why do you ask?!
<olah> because i want to know!
<goof> you said you DID know!
<olah> no, i know that you don't know
<goof> i KNOW WHAT IT MEANS, ffs!
<olah> what, then?
<goof> i don't know
<olah> omg...DO you or DON'T you know?!
<goof> i means: I DON'T KNOW !!
<goof> aargh...stupid...

ErrorHst : im getting tired of your ignorance
DoomDayMassacre : im not ignoring u

Nastard> i think i just found an avi of shania twain sucking
some guy off
<matt> that don't impress me much

<Corsair> My ex-wife pulled my kids out of school because she
wants to home-school them.
<Dolphin_24994> And this is bad?
<Corsair> Damn straight. That fucking idiot couldn't teach
someone how to pour water out of a bucket with instructions
printed on the bottom.

<Graham> Let's say you have an ax. The kind that you could
use, in a pinch, to hack a man's head off...
<Graham> And let's say that very situation comes up and for
some very solid reasons you behead a man.
<Graham> On the follow-through, though, the handle of the ax
snaps in half in a spray of splinters.
<Graham> So the next day you take it to the ax store down the
block and get a new handle, fabricating a story for the guy
behind the counter and explaining away the reddish dark stains
as barbeque sauce.
<Graham> Now, that next spring you find in your garage a
creature that looks like a cross-bred badger and anaconda. A
badgerconda.
<Graham> And so you grab your trusty ax and chop off one of
the beast's heads, but in the process the blade of the ax
strikes the concrete floor and shatters.
<Graham> This means another trip to McMillan & Son's Ax Mart.
As soon as you get home with your newly-headed ax, though, you
meet the reanimated body of the guy you beheaded last year.
<Graham> He's also got a new head attached and it's wearing
that unique expression of "you're the man who killed me last
Spring" resentment that one so rarely encounters in everyday
life.
<Graham> You brandish your ax. He takes a long look at the
weapon with his squishy, rotting eyes and in a gargly voice he
screams, "that's the same ax that slayed me!"
<Graham> ...Is he right?

<Kuja> How many Dragon Ball Z characters does it take to screw
in a lightbulb? Only one, but it takes three episodes.

<Sneux_Duck> so today at school we had this guy talking about
sexual predators online and crap like that for a good hour.
and he said something like "girls don't put your pictures
online. these freaks will only collect, trade and sell them"
and i said a bit too loudly "gotta catch 'em all"
<Sneux_Duck> he was the only one not laughing...

<David_0mega> google maps has taught me many things
<junkntrunk> such as?
<David_0mega> that my neighbor has a pool for one thing

<Felon> What is a leet? Is that a type of ferret?

<Paine> Ah shit guys, I'm fucked.
<Criosys> ?
<Paine> I was showing my mom the way to download and watch
music on the computer downstairs (yeah, illegal, sue me).
Anyway, I forgot to factor in the fact that there's an option
box to "Search my computer for music files".
<Criosys> and...?
<Paine> What I DIDN'T know, was that it also adds video files.
So about 5 minutes ago, I walked through the living room, saw
my mom and sister at the computer watching the visualisations.
<Paine> On the way back OUT of the room, the song changed, and
all of a sudden, hardcore lesbian porn for my mom and sister
to enjoy.
<Paine> Now they're banging on the door so I'm turning MY
music way up so they can't hear my crying >_<

*** Topic in #ramen is 'note to sober self: this is drunk
skunko, you got laid last night by alycia. YEA'

<PeppyTheHamster> me and my friends went to a local gas
station on lunch at school to buy some snacks and shit.
<PeppyTheHamster> we got inside, and the guy behind the
counter was like
<PeppyTheHamster> "Why arent you in school?"
<PeppyTheHamster> We told him we were on lunch and he was like
"Good. stay in school, its good for you."
<PeppyTheHamster> I turned to him and said "Yeah! So we can
work in a gas station!"
<PeppyTheHamster> He looked at me like I was the anti-christ.
As we were leaving he went on the intercom and spoke into his
microphone "Please ignore the homosexuals leaving the store."

<Rebbel> Man Google Earth is awesome
<Android18> Why?
<Rebbel> Im looking at my house
<Rebbel> brb, pizzas here
<BFMV> Now thats what i call technology

<Kiell> so it was my mate's funeral the other day
<Kiell> the parents asked his girlfriend to choose a song that
he liked.
<Kiell> and between them they picked out "Bombtrack" by Rage
Against The Machine.
<Kiell> So, just before the coffin disappeared to be cremated,
Zach de la Rocha is screaming "burn, burn, yes you're gonna
burn".
<Kiell>  Funniest. Funeral. Ever.

NTG85002: Hahaha
NTG85002: Today I was at my psych 101 lecture, of about 300
people, and we were talking about Freud's psychosexual stages,
and how he thought homosexuality was credited to an lack of
influence from the same sex parent.
NTG85002: So in the middle of class, my friend says "I don't
believe that.  If not having one of your parents around led to
homosexuality, there would be a lot more black homosexuals."
NTG85002: The teacher was speechless.

<McMoo> An infinite number of monkeys, on an infinite number
of typewriters, will eventually produce the collected works of
Shakespeare. John Romero's Daikatana was a ten-minute,
five-monkey job.

D1v1d3 8y Z3r0: i got owned by my bio TA earlier in the year
D1v1d3 8y Z3r0: she was like "So, what are some possible
effects from mutated genes?"
D1v1d3 8y Z3r0: i said "Well, it could cause different coding
of proteins, or it could cause you to develop special powers,
like retractable claws from your hands"
D1v1d3 8y Z3r0: the TA was like, "Wrong.  Those claws are
government implants.  Wolverine's mutant power is his healing
ability."

<FireHmpstr> My friend broke up with his girlfriend or
whatever
<FireHmpstr> So now every damn time I see the fucker I have to
hear him whine
<FireHmpstr> "But I loved her so much, how could i ever live
without her, Blah blah..."
<FireHmpstr> And all I can think about is how to kill him
without anybody finding out.
<FireHmpstr> and then maybe rape that bitch too
<XKKBK> err, are you talking about me?
<FireHmpstr> OH SHI-
<FireHmpstr> forgot you were here

<jess> So whats the difference between the mormons and the
muslims??
<jess> The mormons want their 72 virgins now

quit: (ChanServ) ([email protected]) (brb)
(@eFire) brb?
(@eFire) the bot just left and said brb?
(@eFire) wtf
(@eFire) where the f#@ he think hes going?
(@eFire) to the bathroom!!???

<d> yay I fixed my laptops battery!
<d> it was so dead, nothing would charge it
<d> so I gave it the electronic equivalent of a kick in the
head, by shorting the +/- terminals for 5 minutes
<g> don't they have stickers on them that say they could
explode or catch fire by doing that?
<d> yeah but it's ok, I took them off first.

<s3b`> Vegetto: /join #someonewhocares
<s3b`> Oh, look, the channel is empty

<noss> wank in a thunder storm, it will make you feel like
Thor

<Nalah> My mother marks the English national exams.  She was
marking one creative writing paper today, and she got to the
bottom of the page of one that read "the doctor knelt down
beside her and raped her" - she turned the page and it
finished "leg in a bandage".  Hehe.

<Boogieman> and I saw a girl and was like "hey baby, you
lookin' for a good time"
<Boogieman> and she said "yes"
<Boogieman> and I just sorta stared
<Boogieman> cause I don't usually get that far
<Boogieman> and I didn't have anything to say

(+ColdPie) my lesbian coworker's partner is having twins
(@uguu) is she hot
(+ColdPie) no, she's a real life lesbian
(@uguu) oh right

<cannibal> Im playing tetris, and why won't the square pieces
spin like the others?
<therion> ...

< tcowher> personally I'm annoyed that they can get 11KBps
from mars but can't get me a stable 5KBps over 17 miles.

<[BU]RaptoR`> I'd like to travel back to the year 1337 and
point and laugh at everything

Nyoronyoden says:so yeah...I bought a fairly expensive class
ring
Nyoronyoden says:but I realized I hate wearing rings
Nyoronyoden says:so I wear it on my necklace
Nyoronyoden says:...a friend of mine said "Dude, you're
fucking gangster. Even your jewelry is wearing jewelry"

<tangent3> george bush wants to send missions to moons and the
mars
<tangent3> i think the search for weapons of mass destruction
is getting desperate

itchy92: Aha! I figured out why all the 1337 hackers in movies
use Linux.
theNihil: Um, because it's mysterious and unknown to
mainstream movie viewers?
itchy92: No, man. It generates so much output so easily.
itchy92: Need a scrolling console window to make it look like
you're doing something? Type any nonsensical word with a
verbose switch and BAM! you've got scrolling text for like 3
hours. So it seems like you're engaging in some hardcore NSA
decrypting when in fact, you're compiling ksolitaire or
something.

<spd-dmn> lee: hows the baybee
<Virtualee> spd-dmn She's great!  Growing so fast!
<spd-dmn> aw
<spd-dmn> got any pics?
<spazzer> has she sprouted appendages yet?
<KK-> lol
<spazzer> don't babies grow like potatos?
<spd-dmn> ahaha
<spd-dmn> spazzer you're on crack, buddy
<spazzer> you mean they DON'T?
<spazzer> they come out with arms and legs?
<spazzer> shit
<spazzer> i have a whole new respect for women

<Xavier> if it has 'teen' in the channel name, the collective
iq of the group can automatically be assumed to be a negative
value

<Pongball> Religion is like a penis.
<Pongball> It's fine to have one.
<Pongball> It's fine to be proud of it.
<Pongball> But please don't whip it out in public and start
waving it around.
<Pongball> And PLEASE don't try to shove it down children's
throats.

Dracula: Roses are red
Dracula: Violets are blue
Dracula: this line doesn't rhyme
Dracula: and neither does this one

Quaestor> how frequently does a question need to be asked to
be considered a Frequently Asked Question?
Archon11> 7 times in the US and 11 in Canada. The European
Union is considering a common number of five, but Great
Britain refuses to comply and insists on using its own number,
six. China does not allow questions except in Hong Kong.

<raela> man today in bio when I was actually paying attention
I heard the best owned story
<raela> this girl learned about blood typing and how to do
genetic crosses with it
<raela> so she got all excited, went home, and found out her
and her parents blood types from her mom
<raela> she then realized there was no way possible her dad
was related to her
<raela> or at least, not the father
<raela> it took her awhile to get her mom to admit it >:D

<preda> hehe my penis slowly rolling off my desk and when it
falls off its going to hit my cat
<preda> err pen is

Newzfoxjr: Holy shit dude
Newzfoxjr: my friend ding dong door bell ditched a house
across the street
Newzfoxjr: he ran to a bush and hid, the guy answered and he
was dressed up in a freaking S&M suit
Newzfoxjr: so my friend comes out of the bush, looks at him,
AND GOES INTO HIS FREAKING HOUSE.
Newzfoxjr: it's been like 2 hours

FuzzyCrare: i'm in love with a video game character
Macross86: that's sad, pathetic, and completely understandable

<Lilt> I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he
said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said,
"You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well,
you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

<APingLDer> So how did it go with that cheerleader from down
the street that wanted to seduce you?
<naeblis15> Well, I was going to go along, but at the last
minute, I had one of those 'Grinch' moments, when my heart
went up past my level, and Satan's and Stalin's and Hitler's
and a few more levels, to where it was something like normal,
and I decided that I should wait until I could have a
meaningful relationship, not just casual sex with someone
infinitely more popular and beautiful than I am.
<APingLDer>...
<APingLDer>...
<APingLDer>And where was your brain at this point?
<naeblis15>I don't know, but when he gets back he is so
fucking grounded

<TXTerron> wanna know whats geeky?
<Jennifer> hmm?
<TXTerron> I'm driving down the road
<Jennifer> I drove down the road today too...
<Jennifer> Wait, You mean you're on irc in your truck?
<TXTerron> yeah, using my wireless card
<Jennifer> ^___^
<Jennifer> Jason, is that safe?
<TXTerron> na, i just type with one hand while I'm driving and
halfway watch the road, its cool, dont worry
<Jennifer> You're good with typing with one hand?
<TXTerron> shaddup :D
<TXTerron> FUCK
<TXTerron> i just rear ended a lady
<TXTerron> brb :(

<`Xenocide> Bolstered by the state of Kansas' recent measure
removing the requirement for the teaching of evolution in
public schools, yesterday afternoon the Mississippi
legislature passed a bill eliminating fractions and decimal
points from the mathematics curriculum of all public secondary
schools in the state.