bash.org archive

<Hitchhiker> Gotta catch 'em all!
<ManInBlack> STDs!
<marik7772003> gonorrhea, i choose you
<ManInBlack> GO GET 'EM, HIV!
<Hitchhiker> Herpes, fire attack!
<ManInBlack> HIV IS EVOLVING
<ManInBlack> CONGRATULATIONS! YOUR HIV HAS BECOME AIDS!

<Toen> OH NO! A steamroller comes barreling down on brentai!
He must roll 1d20! Less than 6 escapes death!
<Toen> unless he wants to use up his luck charm and make it a
1d10!
<Brentai> I use my raping skill to rape the steamroller.
<Toen> your rape is ineffective against the cold, solid steel!
<Brentai> Well, crud.
<Brentai> 1d10
<Dildice> Brentai: 9
<Brentai> Er, 1d20.
<Brentai> 1d20
<Dildice> Brentai: 14
<Brentai> Crap, and crap.
<Toen> squish
<Brentai> Well, I went out trying to rape a steamroller.  It's
a man's death.

<jre> What should I read next, the Canterbury Tales, Don
Quixote, or a book on Greek Mythology?
<GenericSuperhero> READE YW OLDE KANTVRBVRY TALES
<GenericSuperhero> THEYE ARE SHURE TO BEE VARY INTERASTINGE
<GenericSuperhero> HOPEFULLYE, YOU WILL READE IT IN THINE OLDE
ENGLISHE
<EvilKosh> HELLO I AM JRE AND I HAVE TO READ HIGH FALOOTIN'
BOOKS
<jre> GENARIKE, THOU ART AN FAGOTE OF THE LOW'ST ORDRE
<GenericSuperhero> THANKE YOU JAREE-EE
<jre> DAMN'D BE THOU SEED, AND MAY'ST IT NE'ER PRODUSE A
PERSYONE OF ATTRAKTIVE CALIBAR
<GenericSuperhero> AYE, TISS MUSTVE HAPPENED TO YONDERS
MOTHERE WHENCE THOU WAS CAPTURED WITHIN HER WOMBE!
<jre> THOU SPEAKST LIKE A RAGEING MANHAT
<GenericSuperhero> AH! THEN EYE SPEAKTH LIKE THINES FATHRE!

<mcsim02> you know...one day the word pron is actually going
to replace the word porn for good...and then in the year 2055
some internet geek is gonna think hes really funny by calling
it 'porn' instead of 'pron'...and it will be a horrible
horrible cycle

<jebus_Y2k> Here are some helpful hints just in case you may
want to send me a virus.
<jebus_Y2k> 1. Don't threaten me repeatedly before you send
the virus.
<jebus_Y2k> 2. Don't attatch the virus to a message that says
"SUCK THIS, BITCH".
<jebus_Y2k> 3. Don't name it virus.exe.

SpUnGe14: I should name my nuts Trinidad and Tobago
skater067: or
skater067: the virgin islands
SpUnGe14: Ouch

<timmo> and it involves a girl named bertha
<timmo> WHO WOULD SUBJECT THEIR DAUGHTER TO THE HORRORS OF
THAT NAME
<timmo> 'this is my daughter bertha, she eats villages'

<kmad> today, me and jake were playing tennis
<kmad> this mom with her son, like 11 years old, were watching
us play
<kmad> a ball was hit over to them, so I ran over to pick it
up
<kmad> the kid asks me, "How did you get so good at tennis??"
<kmad> I think for a second, try to hold back a grin
<kmad> "Drugs."
<kmad> The mom gave me a big old FUCK YOU and stormed off with
her kid

<ren> I fucking hate jehovahs witnesses
<ren> I saw 2 men in black suits knocking on my door so I
microwaved my hard drive :\

<[56k]holtzboy> who hates metallica's st. anger cd? me me me
me me
<cockmonster> geez, 56kers, you even lag in real life
<cockmonster> we all got done bitching about that CD months
ago
<Frenchman`> cockmonster, he just finished downloading it

<tis_berni> I'm a construction worker
<tis_berni> for one more week
<tam> and then?
<moof> then he has to be the indian or the navy guy.

(@X2-down) this is mark eg, he hugged me and creamed in my ear
(@X2-down) er screamed

NgOs_WiLL: how many feminists does it take to change a
lightbulb?
NgOs_WiLL: One to change it and fifteen to form a support
group!
E30SupeR: it's a trick question - feminists can't change
anything.

<fugi> when mccain wins the election and invades iran, do we
get to yell "Monopoly!" and put hotels across iraq, iran and
afghanistan?

<Elbonio> You know how women say "I wouldnt sleep with you
even if you were the last man on earth" ? Well if you WERE the
last two people on the earth, i hardly think sex is the first
thing on your mind... it's clearly going to be "let's raid
Toys'R'us.."

<MystMan> you followed me!! you freaky stalker!
<Cyber_Akuma_Zero> I am not a stalker
<Cyber_Akuma_Zero> btw, you're out of milk

<Quast> bbg: homosexuality isn't a badge you get after you
fuck a guy in the ass for the first time
<Quast> or get it yourself
<xooz98> which badge do you get again?
<xooz98> the boy scouts system is so complicated

<Chrysalid^Revenge> I had something like that happen to me
once.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> And vengeance is a plate best served cold.
* Sectoid^Authopsy sits down for storytime
<Chrysalid^Revenge> I saw some asshole stealing my pack of
cigarettes from my table while I was getting another beer.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> But of course, as I confronted him, he
denied it flatly, and all the sudden four of his mates were
getting ready for a fight and shit.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> So I decided to back down, and rather get
one over him later.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> Of course, living in an army camp has it's
advantages, such as easy access to ammo.
<Sectoid^Authopsy> o_0
<Chrysalid^Revenge> So I took two Winner Tip cartridges, a
little bit of tobacco, and quite a generous amount of
gunpowder from a blank I 'obtained', topping it off with
tobacco to get a proper look.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> Next weekend, I leave my pack containing
two cigs rather indiscreetly at my table when I see this
assholes is at the pub, and go to pick up another beer.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> When I come back, the pack has vanished.
So I get hold of one of the bouncers, telling him that I saw
someone carrying "what looked like fireworks around".
<Chrysalid^Revenge> Ten seconds later, there's some nasty
fizzing, a lot of smoke and a huge fucking flame coming from
one of the corner tables, and seconds later, the same thing
happens in the hand of one of the guys sitting there.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> And at this point, it has to be mentioned
that watching two bouncers pull a screaming guy with no
eyebrows left, and a nasty burn up half his face out of a pub,
'accidentally' drop him down the stairs, and finally call the
cops on him, does lead to a certain smugness.
<Chrysalid^Revenge> The morale is, don't you ever fucking
touch my cigarettes. I can probably spare you one if you ask,
but fucking ask first, okay?!

<Kabuki_Dude> Shit... My teacher just sprung a surprise psych
test on me. It was a damned describing game... Like: There's a
forest, describe it. I was being a jackass and said that the
forest was burned down and blackened.
<Kabuki_Dude> Then she asked me how I went through the forest.
I said that I ran through it denying all logic and reason.
<Kabuki_Dude> She asked me to describe a vase in the forest,
so I said that it had a penis on it.
<Kabuki_Dude> Then she asked me to describe a barrier blocking
the way. I said that the barrier was my mom with a pickaxe.
<Kabuki_Dude> About 3 days later, my psych calls me and wants
to 'talk'. Apparantly, my teacher called my psyche with the
results of my test.
<Kabuki_Dude> Here's how it went down: The way you described
the forest was the way you viewed life. The way you went
through the forest was the way you went through life. The vase
is your view on relationships, and the barrier is how you
think you're going to die.
<Kabuki_Dude> Needless to say, my teacher keeps her distance
from me now.

(Patrick82): i have multiple personalities
(tkam): the one that tells you to kill yourself obviously
isn't getting its fair share of time

<Aegis> Dude this chick said she wouldn't give me head because
she doesn't do that
<Vyse> They still make those?

<lief> My brother just got suspended from school for sticking
a bible down his pants while walking around in the halls
singing Mansons "Personal Jesus" and asking random girls to
"Reach down and touch faith".

<Georgo> bah, you stupid people and your big paragraphs, I
always get the gist of things by reading the first and last
sentences
<Piggah> Well Georgo, there was this one time me and your mom
went out to the store. However, it ended up with my getting
these sudden, primal urges. One thing led to another and
needless to say I was fucking her doggy-style and that's when
I yelled "Who's the Boss?," stuck my cock in her ass, and then
screamed "TONY DANZA!" But in the end we only landed up buying
a few vegetables and some milk.
<Georgo> god I love happy storys

<Erik_N> Everyone has a dark secrets... some ppl are killers,
some ppl are homo.. I use mac

<+Woody```> I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess"
on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

<Maggie> Rune
<Rune> ?
<Maggie> why are all men chauvinistic pigs?
<Rune> because we're better than you

<Ashryd> Prepare for the new revolution in freeing space on
your hard drive, waste no more
time on searching through old files to delete, simply leave it
up to DaveBot!
<Methuen> New program aye?
<Ashryd> Doesn't work quite right yet though...
<Ashryd> Does something a little more interesting at the
moment...
<Methuen> Oh?
<Ashryd> It spends 12 hours searching through your folders and
files finding and sorting
them into things that must be deleted, could be deleted and
mustn't be deleted, compiles the
information into a database, deems the database an item that
must be deleted then erases
your whole hard drive.
<Methuen> o.O

<Sebas> I want to start a band without drums or bass guitars.
We'll call ourselves The Beatless.

Dun fck wit meh: when muslim women come to my door i talk to
them through the mail slot, see how they like it

Lunatic: All those opposed to the patriot act raise your right
hand
Lunatic: Raise your hand high
Lunatic: Now raise the other one
Lunatic: Hands behind your back
Lunatic: you're under arrest for treason

<carkeys> arpad you there?
<Meritt> That's the first time I've seen car keys go looking
for their owner.

[guest27125] hi i am very good at irc, i can script and even
hack people on irc,but this real good hacker keeps hacking
into me and changing my nick, his name is NickServ

<Sparky> My new years resolution is 1280x1024.

<doctorb> goth clubs should serve coffee. ice cold coffee.
with nails and broken glass. and call then 'depresso's

<hamoom> man, this is great, 450 hp, sleek design, sleek
interior, this is going to be my new car
<mrmin123> cars have hit points?

<BiG_D> Every girl who has ever been attracted to me is a
vegetarian!
<BiG_D> Try to explain that!
<WolfLord> you have no meat
<WolfLord> hehe
<BiG_D> hmmm
<BiG_D> fuck
<BiG_D> I did not see that coming
<BiG_D> Last time I tell that story!

<microgal> and whiter than white
<RobinHood> heh
<Kronovohr> so...you're like #GGGGGG?

<werro> damnit :/
<werro> my dad found my porn
<Bob112> So what? I bet my dad knows I have porn.
<werro> but my dad didnt know Im gay :/
<Bob112> Um, like, neither did I
* werro has left #hookerz

niteowl7710: When I went to the website to see what the
current cover
niteowl7710: And I got a pop-up from Spice.net...offering me
(and I quote)
niteowl7710: MONSTER TITS -- THE LARGEST BREASTS ALLOWED BY
LAW
enigmamofm: Wow.
enigmamofm: wait
enigmamofm: "By law?"
niteowl7710: That sir, is what it said
enigmamofm: There's some sort of regulatory legislature on
this issue?
niteowl7710: I'm not sure but I now have a new goal in life
niteowl7710: Figure out how to get a job in the Department of
Health & Human Services (makes sense to me)
niteowl7710: In the "Breast Measurement Bureau"
niteowl7710: I'm sorry ma'am but those are just too large, I'm
going to have to fine you
niteowl7710: Well yes Ms. I'm sure this does just seem like
titty fucking, but I assure you is a valuable tool we use here
at the B.M.B.
enigmamofm: You are a credit to you community sir.

<LordPie> which part confuses you more, my complex lexicon or
the fact that i beat you with your own logic?
<jestaa> using big words doesn't make you more smarter.
<LordPie> Sorry, let me put it in an language that you can
understand
<LordPie> OMG, ROFL LOL!!!!!!!!! J00 GOT OWNED!!11111!!

<smcn> one of these days
<smcn> i'm going to hunt down and kill whoever invented
emoticons
<smcn> then i'm going to look at him and go >=D

<Curufin> You know, I think there's a point in your life when
you realize that life's just not worth it anymore. When you're
giving more than you're taking, and there's just no joy left
in life.
<Eldamehomework> Curufin; that's what ice cream is for :-D
<Curufin> I'm lactose intolerant.

<korinne> cows would live a lot longer if they werent made out
of steaks and leather

[@|Asriel] I just got a crazy telemarket call
[@|Asriel] an autoglass repair shop, asking if we had any
damaged auto glass we'd like a free quote on
[@|Asriel] I wondered if that was a variant on "is your
refrigerator running"
[@|Asriel] if I had broken glass, I'd do something about it
[@Mono] lol
[@|Asriel] not sit around hoping someone will call me up
[@|Asriel] 911 doesnt call you up randomly "We were wondering
if anybody happens to be dying, traped, giving birth, or
breaking into your home at the moment"
[@|Asriel] "I'm so glad you called, there's a guy holding a
gun to my face"
[@Mono] rofl

Sanjuro Makabe: btw remember what you made up about something
like the 7 layer protocol of the network or something?
Sanjuro Makabe: application, presentation, session, transport,
network, datalink, physical
Sanjuro Makabe: i remember you made up something nasty to
remember those by...i forgot what it was
Saem: a pussy so tight no dick penetrates

<@gongoputch> so my 12 year old has been BEGGING me for a
minecraft server. I told him 'OK', he said YEA!', I say 'but
you have to install the OS (FreeBSD), configure it, set up a
jail and generally learn enough to admin it.
<@gongoputch> he hates me now
<@gongoputch> BUT - he got it running :)
<@gongoputch> after it was going, he looked up at me and said
'This OS is the logical thing I have ever seen'
<@gongoputch> ... it's little moments like those ...

* Qwyxzl growls at his connection
* Furion sees his virus is working.
* Qwyxzl gets out his Furion voodoo doll
* Furion Quit (Ping timeout)
<Elessa> whoa!

<Duzzy> today at work, i was cutting gras outside the local
school.. and then a chick came up to me.. kissed me, squeezed
my balls, gave me a note and the she ran of.. and i was like
wtf?!? when I got my mind gathered I looked at the note and
there was a phone number.. I should send an sms to it, and
that was when I realized the bitch had stolen my cellphone =(

*** Pikachu has joined #Distro
<kurai> Gah.  Fucken' Pokemon crap - hate it.
<kurai> Some twat in the office thought it would be "cute and
friendly" to name all the servers etc after bloody Pokemon
characters.
<kurai> The incident that mainly brought about this hatred was
the time a particular SQL server fell over (yet again)...
<kurai> So I shout across the (full) office to a colleague "Oi
! Pikachu's just gone down on me again !"
<kurai> Mind you - it was amusing seeing one dumb bint
snorting coffee out of her nose she was laughing so hard.
<Pikachu> ? ! I don't go down on pppl !!
<kurai> SO you are small, yellow, annoying *and* don't give
head ?
<kurai> What a pointless life - top yourself right now.
*** Pikachu Quit (Ping timeout)
<basto> Wow - you are like some evil mind controlling Guru or
somthin'

<noskill> I was banned from my junior highs network for having
every printer in the school print 5000 pages of "FEED ME
PAPER!" simultaneously

<passagero> i'm romanian man,i have 18yers old and try to
found some one who want to have a relation sheep with me

<phex> so you excited for your interview at RIM?
<burnison> yep
<phex> so then you're hoping to get a rim job?
<burnison> hell yes
*phex waits for the pun to set in

<Shameful_Buffalo> I got bored tonight, so I played the wal
mart game, you know where you go to wal mart and see who can
get the funniest items together
<Shameful_Buffalo> well I give my friends ryan and taylor $20
and they go off, taylor gets KY Jelly, Camoflauge shorts and
Predator on DVD, I get some G2 Pilot pens, A mountain dew,
Murray's Superior Afroshine Hair Pomade, 12-pack of Lubed
Trojans, a pair of Brinks Luggage Locks with keys, Electrical
Tape, and some Reeses Peanut Butter Cups (standard double-cup
pack).
<Shameful_Buffalo> Ryan comes back empty handed and this
follows, 
Ryan: "I played your game dude..."
Taylor: "then where is your stuff?"
Me: "Yeah, you had to buy something with that 20 I gave
you.."
Ryan "I went to automotive and put a tire on layaway..."
<Shameful_Buffalo> I never laughed so hard in my entire life,
I gave him the 10 bucks for winning and walked to the car with
my bag of crap.

<sideburns> they opened a restaurant a few blocks away
<sideburns> it's a lesbian restaurant
<UncleGivey> HAHAHAHA
<sideburns> err... lebanese
<UncleGivey> "Hey honey, there's that new restaurant down the
street... feel like eating out?"

<Simich> omg its too hot here
<Simich> and yes, hot in canada, and no, my igloo is not
melting
<Simich> BECAUSE I DONT HAVE ONE
<Simich> BITCHES
<[Evil]Zen> O.o
<Rhodz> heh, we dont insult simich about being canadian so he
insults himself then lashes out at us

<Mild> a choose your own adventure hamlet would be nice too
<Mild> To be, turn to page 73.

TwilightKnight: all i do is wait for Desert crisis 1.5 and
play counter-strike all day
Dr SpaZZo: Heh.
Dr SpaZZo: Which, by definition, means I have more of a life
than you
Dr SpaZZo: Pity
TwilightKnight: well i was making out with a girl today
Dr SpaZZo: Liar
Dr SpaZZo: Theres no such thing as a "girl"
TwilightKnight: yes it is true!
TwilightKnight: they arent the tales and ledgends we thought
them to be
TwilightKnight: they exist and live on the outside!
TwilightKnight: In the daylight!
Dr SpaZZo: Outside? Daylight? Now you're just making words up.

<WabbyTwax> MOVIE TRIVIA TIME You have to beat EtherMan's high
score of 720
<WabbyTwax> Question #59: for  60  points . . . .
<WabbyTwax> What special skill did the cricket possess in the
movie "Mulan"?
<Evil_God> talking
<EtherMan> speech
<D-viant> singing
<Evil_God> ninjitsu
<EtherMan> swordsmanship
<D-viant> violin
<EtherMan> flight
<D-viant> fighting
<EtherMan> homosexuality
<D-viant> japanese fighting cricket
<Evil_God> big slapping testicles
<WabbyTwax> Sorry, your time is up! You had 30 seconds to
answer.
<D-viant> expanding rectum
<Evil_God> opium addiction

<Ksosez> i fucking hate ADD
<jesus_X> As in Attention
<jesus_X> Attention Deficit, something...
<Ksosez> Disorder
<jesus_X> What?

<RevSlidey> a baby seal walks into a club

<Jarik_Tentsu> Gah, I just snorted while laughing.
<Jarik_Tentsu> And I have a cold.
<Jarik_Tentsu> Urgh, this is disgusting.
<Jarik_Tentsu> Luckily, it missed my girlfriend - they're hard
to clean.
<Jarik_Tentsu> err...
<Jarik_Tentsu> *girlfriend = keyboard.
<Jarik_Tentsu> O_O

Eberlin: Nothing accelerates windows like a good ol' fashioned
9.8m/s^2

<domenow> I'm gripping your cock hard
<ThAtGuy> i'm feeling your breasts
<ThAtGuy> my dick is getting really hard now
<domenow> yeah, mine too
<domenow> I mean... err.

<zealous> I was walking to the mobil gas station this morning
to get my ride to work as I do every morning (weekdays anyway)
when I decided that instead of walking the long way around I
would just jump the little wall (about 3 feet high) and get
there quicker, well when I went to jump the wall I started off
with my left foot instead of my right like I usually do and I
didn't bring my foot up quick enough thus catching the wall
and sending me face first
<zealous> into the ground but somehow I managed to do some
wild ninja tuck and roll things ending up on my feet and
staring at some guy who was quite bugged eyed so I just raised
my arms in a "v" and yelled hazah at the top of my lungs

MorningQueen: Why are you against abortion?
MassHypnosisJoe: I'm just against women making choices

<klockwerk> If you were on a bus full of gay guys would you
get off?
<cornelius> yeah
<cornelius> wait... no
<cornelius> shit

<Nyphur> DIX has a point. That kind of muscle development at
that age isn't something to be celebrated. It's unnatural and
as such, the body isn't designed to do it. It's going to cause
him unforseen problems in the future.
<Nyphur> Good. He deserves it.
<MonkeyDLuffy> ...?
<MonkeyDLuffy> Nyphur, did you just reply to what you just
typed?
<Nyphur> I did, yes. This kind of thing happens at 4AM.

***Welcome to MSN Support***
<MSN Assistant> Hello how can I help?
<Divination> I recently downloaded msn 6.2 and it has been
giving me problems 
<MSN Assistant> Yes, please continue.
<Divination> I can t stop drinking I think I ve turned into an
alcoholic 
*MSN Assistant has left the conversation.

* halocy goes for laundry like the good house-bitch she is
[a few mins later]
<halocy> my bf's socks are all kinda ... crunchy
<halocy> wtf?
<halocy> his feet must sweat a lot
<rvrsl> haha
<smashi> ew
<smashi> hehe
<smashi> are you sure it's
<smashi> SWEAT!
* smashi giggles
<halocy> what else would it be?