bash.org archive

<lapyap> i was at this party and this really fuckin ugly drunk
chick and I were talkin and she kept trying to get it on with
me
<lapyap> so later in the night she come up to me and says  don
t you want to go down on me?  so I say   I;m jewish, I cant
eat pig 
<lapyap> she slapped me after that :p

<AJ> One of my best friends is Jewish.
<AJ> For state testing, our school gave us food, so we'd be
awake and do well. Someone called it "concentration food".
<AJ> So my friend excitedly says "Concentration food? I
haven't had this since camp!"

<@Ustas> Sigh. Got to go buy some food. A mouse hung itself in
my fridge and left a note "can't live like this"

<Nash> YES&#8230;they caught the bastard who made the blaster
virus
<Nash> looks like he will be getting 10 yrs max in prison
<DDR4life> serves him right
<DROSS> Someone is soon going to discover how strangely
painful the shower hour in prison is
<FiringSquad> He&#8217;ll probably catch a different type of
virus in prison
<LexiusTheGenuis> poor kids virginity is going to the recycle
bin
<Sczoyd> cellmates will probably be giving him some rather
large uploads
<Antibig> theyll be installing some new hardware in his rectum
<FiringSquad> looks like his unprotected port is going to be
probed
<Sczoyd> I hope he doesnt mind other men using his hard drive
<JSP> a roll like him is going to get rolled a lot
<Sczoyd> his prison mates are going to have a lot of fun with
their new laptop
<ShinKurro> someone will find out a new way to spread viruses
<Nash> okay, that wasn&#8217;t really called for.

<guyen> so she gets pulled over, and as the bike cop walks up
to her, she asks "are you going to at least try to sell me a
ticket to the highway patrolmen's ball?"
<guyen> then the cop goes "highway patrolmen don't have balls,
ma'am"
<guyen> and she busts out laughing, he finally gets it and
just turns around, gets on his bike, and rides away without
another word
<guyen> she just sits in her car laughing for like five
minutes before she starts her car again
<guyen> shit, if i'd try to say something like that he would
have gone LAPD on my ass

Reelr123: whats up
k8 z swimmer: who are you?
Reelr123: you dont remember?
k8 z swimmer: nope
Reelr123: i m bummed
k8 z swimmer: clay?
Reelr123: nope
k8 z swimmer: ooool
k8 z swimmer: k
k8 z swimmer: so who the heck are ya
Reelr123: its me
Reelr123: guess
Reelr123: i have admired you for a long time
k8zswimmer: Who are you?
Reelr123: i have known u for a long time
k8zswimmer: way to freak me out yo
Reelr123: I love you more then the world
k8zswimmer: tmi.... WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU?!?!
Reelr123: I know exactly what u r doing as we speak. And you
better get to bed right this instant
Reelr123: or u r grounded from the computer
k8zswimmer: MOM?!?

<rdubyaj> dude this car I saw....
<rdubyaj> was really dusty
<rdubyaj> and someone had written on it "I wish my wife was
this dirty"
<rdubyaj> and underneath that someone else had written "she
is"

<Jesus> The guy does not understand the concept of the "Shift"
key
<Noser> the what key/

Omniscient Sean: I think we should terrorist start throwing in
nuclear weapon noteworthy national security keywords to Allah
otherwise innocuous conversations.
InfiniteSuperior: I Bin Laden agree.
Omniscient Sean: So how are Al Qaeda classes?
InfiniteSuperior: I have Al Sadr a psychology report Iran due
Wednesday.
Omniscient Sean: Ah, that Tehran sucks.
Omniscient Sean: This bizarre Sadaam open-source database
utility has all the Palestine trappings of other open-source
utilities.
Omniscient Sean: In this WMD case, useless error messages.
InfiniteSuperior: Other than Pakistan that, classes are Libby
going well.

<Cerebus> being bi-polar must suck
<Kender> well yes and no

<KevM> quit the farcical shenanigans you duncical
misrepresentation of a homo sapien
<andycode> I find your misanthropic antics most ironic in
their malevolent disposition.
<andycode> Moreover, the mere implications of your pathetic
facade is illigitimate in its duplicitious atrocity.
<KevM> your virulent discourse is quite misguided in it's
underhanded attempts to slight me
<Khross> And you're fat.

<Pyroman> NEW RULE 
<Pyroman> No one may have a name that starts with 'No'  
<Pyroman> It fucks up my nick completion  
*** Yukari is now known as NotYukari 
*** GigaClonWantstoKickNickServ is now known as NotGigaron 
*** NMR is now known as NotNMR 
*** DJ_Bytes is now known as NotAlsoDJBY 
<emphaticallyumopepisdn> You guys are sheep 
<NotYukari> baa 
<NotAlsoDJBY> Baaa 
<NotGigaron> baaa 
<NotNMR> baaaa

<@TheRef>My girlfriend caught me sleep-wanking last night
<hoochy>lol, typo. i'm a post that to bash
<@TheRef>Dude, that wasn't a typo.

*** IRC -- Based on the original code written by Jarkko
Oikarinen
*** Copyright 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991 University of Oulu,
Computing Center
<Jarkko> You people have turned a cute little project I did 5
years ago INTO A TREMENDOUS WASTE OF TIME!!!  GET A LIFE!!! 
MOVE OUT OF YOUR MOTHER'S BASEMENT!!!  You, with the bot...
have you ever kissed a woman?

([Smaug]) im actualy homo-phobic
([Smaug]) honest
(+Porn-Star) he thinks anyway
([Smaug]) once i saw a gay person and i just started running
(+Porn-Star) u catch him?

Sushispook: so we're swapping out all these old pc's with
newer ones
Sushispook: and we're stacking them up in piles in the cube
next to me
Sushispook: and all the old ones have various notes on them,
since some have been pillaged for parts
Sushispook: i go into the cube to talk to the rentatech and
see how he's doing, and i lean up against the cube
Sushispook: and i end up walking out with one of those notes
stuck to my ass
Sushispook: and just try and guess what that note said
Sushispook: NEEDS HARD DRIVE
Sushispook: right on my ass

<%Makoto> How long can a CAT5 cable be, and still maintain a
strong signal
<%Makoto> ?
* Makoto ([email protected]) Quit
(Connection reset by peer)
<@Col_Kiwi> a little shorter than that

<Driph> a friend of mine is bi
<Driph> and she's arguing with her girlfriend about who is
supposed to cook tonite
<Driph> and I told her that was the worst thing about a
relationship between two women, you dont automatically know
who's supposed to cook

gamemastax: you know how my parents are divorced right?
DrJerad: yeah
gamemastax: Well I just had a talk with my mom.
gamemastax: i told her i didn't want to live with her anymore
gamemastax: she started crying
DrJerad: Why did you tell her that?
gamemastax: because I don't want to?
DrJerad: Why not?
gamemastax: because her computer only has 64 mb of RAM
gamemastax: and that's just not enough to run world of
warcraft smoothly

* kitten has quit IRC (Killed (NickOP (Kill requested by
kittster)))
<BlackAIR> kitten got killed??
<Propagandhi> ALRIGHT, WHO IN HERE IS MASTERBATING!?

<@PaulGonegooley> I just opened the box for my new harddrive
<@PaulGonegooley> it smells like victory
<malicious> the fuck it does
<malicious> opening a new pack of MTG cards.
<malicious> that smells like victory.
<@PaulGonegooley> that smells like never getting laid, ever
<@PaulGonegooley> that's what that smells like
<malicious> fuck you :(

<@loans> what client are you using
<sessilenomad> IRC...
<@loans> that's not a client
<sessilenomad> idk what client im using then
<@loans> that's like me asking 'what ISP are you using' and
you saying 'internet explorer'
<sessilenomad> ooooh
<sessilenomad> firefox

<eric> awright spam u can use
<eric> "Like to see hot jizz spit all over an unsuspecting
teen's face? These young teen girls love taking hot cum right
in the face."
<siva> "unsuspecting"?
<eric> DAD CAN I GO TO THE MALL I NEED SOME NEW BARETTES AND %
(#*&%!( HOLY GOD

<Ettin>  Because If sdib f
<Ettin>  FUCK
<Ettin>  I just fell out of my chair

Madrigal:  I have DSL
Madrigal:  Which backwards is "LSD"
Madrigal:  But for my sake, and the sake of being backwards,
I'd rather get Dial.

too_much_prozak: ooowee girl you sho-nuff is hot stuff..c'mon
over my house an sit on my face
eye_doan_know: Where you live big man? I'll think about it.
too_much_prozak: I'm in san diego..where U?
eye_doan_know: dont that beat all ...I'm in diego too
too_much_prozak: ...NO!...yer joshin.....for real?
eye_doan_know: real deal big guy.......you wanna hook up
tonite?
too_much_prozak: sounds like a plan....your place? my place?
or??
too_much_prozak: no..wait cant be my place...my g'friend is
here.
eye_doan_know: cant be my place either...my boyfriend is
downstairs.
too_much_prozak: ...what a co-ink-ee-dink my girlfriend is
upstairs...........uh-oh-
too_much_prozak left the room

(&Gsus) thanks to asian porn i know now the japanese words for
"More" "oh god yes" "fuck me hard" and "get that tentacle out
of my ass"

<gleep> Heh.  You people don't want to hear how one of my
ex-bosses performed a mercy killing on a family's cat at their
request.
<Sypher-Ryn> Yes we do
<gleep> I actually think it's quite funny.
<Sypher-Ryn> come on!! Mercy killings!
<me^2> tell us
<DrCloud> o.O;
<ashie> O.O
<gleep> He was visiting a cousin's family, they lived out on
in the country.  While he was there, they told them about
their cat that was really old, and had gotten quite sick.  The
vet had told them they should have it put to sleep.  But they
just couldn't do it... they started to drive it the 20 miles
to the vet a couple times but never got very far.
<gleep> So when he was talking to their dad, he said he could
take care of it.  He had his pistol in his truck.  So that
evening he finds the cat and takes it out back of the house.
<gleep> (Don't read this, sensative viewers! ) So he's out
there with his 357, looking down at the cat, who really /was/
in horrible shape.  So he's about to shoot the cat when... 
Something came over him.  He stuck his foot under the cat and
kicked it into the air... and shot it midair.  The 357 blew
the poor critter to bits.  Then he turns around and sees... 
The ENTIRE FAMILY staring at him through the picture window.
<FJ> HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111
<ashie> best story ever

<svinx> yknow when you go to a party, and everyones hooked up
except one guy and one girl
<svinx> and so they look at each other like.. do we have to?
<svinx> intel & nvidia must be lookin at each other like that
right now

<trigga>ow
<trigga>i just stapled the roof of my mouth
<trigga>i was holding the stapler in my mouth and it started
slipping so i bit down

Salsa Shark: you know what google earth needs?
ULJarad: More 3D buildings?
Salsa Shark: ion cannon button

linkraceist: my printer is being rather communist atm
necrokiss: lol, how so?
linkraceist: in theory, there is nothing wrong with it
linkraceist: but when i try to use it, everything goes wrong

<Marques> hmm
<Marques> so I have to go to dinner with my girlfriend her mom
her two sisters and their grandparents. I wonder what people
think when they see a black guy walk in to a restaurant with 6
white people =)
<Trip> hostage situation

<El_Pompo> what would be the best language to build a crawler
in?
<Emetri> jawa.

<mmiikkee12> XD, i just got the best spam message ever
<mmiikkee12> "Make $$$ Fast"
<mmiikkee12> "Hold down your shift and 4 keys at the same
time. In about a second you will be making $$$ fast."

<quadropheniac57> so we're talking about aboriginal symbols in
school today
<quadropheniac57> and i tell my group that i read it was bad
luck to kill an emu, except i say emo on accident
<quadropheniac57> so i laugh and say "actually, it's pretty
good luck to kill an emo"
<quadropheniac57> this girl, overweight, dyed black hair,
eyeshadow, not goth but close
<quadropheniac57> says "no, emo is sad. emo is short for
emotional"
<quadropheniac57> so i respond "no, emo is short for stupid"
<quadropheniac57> she says "no, it's for emotional. emo people
are emotional beings who live that way to relieve their pain"
<quadropheniac57> i say "emo people are self-absorbed
attention-seeking idiots who listen to crappy music"
<quadropheniac57> rest of class, she gives me the most dark
and depressed death glare
<quadropheniac57> THE WHOLE REST OF CLASS, that's like 45
minutes, she's just death-looking me, not even turning her
head
<quadropheniac57> i swear, she's gonna kill herself this
weekend, and it's all my fault
<civilpunkbikes> good luck coming your way
<quadropheniac57> amen

<foobar> the FUNNIEST tech glitch ive ever heard of happened
at my workplace
<foobar> ok.. so we run an internet storage service right? 
and one of our clients is a large photo site that allows
people to upload pics and view them online
<foobar> well.. our software had a little bug in it ..
sometimes if a file is uploaded and not cached properly by the
system, the system will deliver the same file for hundreds or
thousands of different files
<foobar> so what happened is someone uploaded some bestiality
pictures, and those got caught in the cache, so everbody
uploading their 4th of july pics got them ALL replaced by the
same picture of a girl jerking off a horse
<foobar> 50,000 times

* xargs should not drive a bike
<xargs> because...
<xargs>               o       _      _          _
<xargs>      _o      /_    _ \o   (_)__/o   (_)
<xargs>    _< _    _>(_)  (_)/<_     _|     _|/' /
<xargs>   (_)>(_)  (_)         (_)    (_)     (_)'  _o_
<xargs> =(

<Handy> Japanese scientists have created a camera with  such a
fast shutter speed,
<Handy> they now can photograph a woman with her mouth  shut.

<@Kukuman> this fundrace.org site lists people near you who
have made contributions to a presidential candidate
<@Kukuman> looked up my zip code
<@Kukuman> 4 people contributed to bush/republicans
<@Kukuman> something like 35 people contributed to democrats
<@Kukuman> oh and all 4 of the people who contributed to bush
are retired!
<@philc> you spelt retarded incorrectly

<&Siyo> i successfully stopped a print job once
<&Siyo> AM I GOD?

<ChapelPaige> Oh tell me why, do we build castles in the sky?
<@Apoc> to make them harder to assault
<ChapelPaige> ...good point.
<@Apoc> Lets see you get a trebuchet up here bitch

<spazbob> im orderin a black dvd writer, on the assumption
it'll run faster

lemonlimeskull: You know you've been chatting too long when
you think C:/> is some kind of depressed Arab smiley.

(cooey) my cat eats meat. my cat eats timbits. my cat eats
celery. my cat eats my weed. my cat eats bits of paper and
hair that look like food. my cat =wont= eat a piece of a
burger out of a big mac.
(cooey) i should learn from my cat.

<Guest1087> shut up asshole
<Pikanyah> If I'm an asshole, you're an asswipe. You're so
low, you serve me.
<Guest1087> shup up bitch, i'm the asshole
<Guest1087> wait a sec....

killjay: Most embarassing internet moment?
killjay: Unknowingly cyber with a dude?
lemonlimeskull: Nope.
killjay: Knowingly cyber with a dude?
lemonlimeskull: Not as such.
lemonlimeskull: Though when I was a kid, I did try to run an
ASCII image of a naked chick through a text-to-speech program,
set to female voice.
lemonlimeskull: When she got to "colon colon colon period
colon colon colon period period" the moment was gone.

(Thoth) Funniest toilet graffiti this evening: "I fucked your
mother!" underneith: "Dad, you're drunk! Go home!"

<Feeldeath> Man i had a bad day !!!
<Formin> o great =( what happened?
<Feeldeath> well i was masturbating on my couche an I fell of
<Formin> hahaha o god
<Feeldeath> thats not the worst part. i hit my head on the
coffee table and knocked myself out and my mom came in and
found me unconscience on the floor with my dick in one hand
and a porn mag in the other.
<Formin> lmao

<Lyme> I got Fight Club for 6.98 at walmart.
<Black_Bishop> I am Jack's low price guarantee

<aioli> i hope whoever invented the mysterious force gets his
or her penis caught in a gear
<raxvulpine> Your attempt to be gender-neutral there only sort
of worked.

<Hynox> Have you actually ever had sex matthias? 
<matthias> Ask my children :P
<Hynox> .....
<Hynox> you have sex with your children?

<mooman> so i saw this number plate on some ricer car today...
YAG-108
<mooman> except i saw it in my rear view mirror, so it looked
like BOI-GAY
<mooman> i nearly hit the car in front from laughing so hard :
/

<Bezzy> i mean scyence
<Jenna> Science
<Bezzy> i don't know how to speel it i am only 8
<Jenna> Your doing fine
<Bezzy> that's "you're"

<Dharkbayne> Reverse Jesus is created when you masturbate in
the bath and your sister falls pregnant by then bathing in the
same water.
<Dharkbayne> Reverse Jesus would blind and cripple random
people. And give them leprosy.
<Dharkbayne> Reverse Jesus crucified the entire Roman Empire.
<Dharkbayne> Reverse Jesus makes you die for his sins.
<Dharkbayne> Reverse Jesus can sink in water.
<Dharkbayne> Reverse Jesus can turn wine into water.
<Dharkbayne> Reverse Jesus dares you to stone whores if you're
sinner.
<Dharkbayne> He was born in a cave on Easter and was killed in
a shootout on Christmas eve when three kings finally tracked
him down for outstanding debts of gold and spices.

<a> I have a new girlfriend, man. She´s 90-60-90...
<b> wtf? She is purple?

<anon> Right now i'm watching this porno
<anon> Asian dude gets on bus full of white highschool girls
and gets raped
<anon> I've been on a school bus before and this didn't
happen. I'm beginning to think that porn isn't based on true
stories.

<ShoveX> beerman would you have gay sex for 2 million dollars?
<@Beerman> with who
<@Beerman> and do I have to pay all at once
<@Beerman> or can I pay in instalments

<RST38h> When I bought 14.4kbd modem, TELNET and FTP became so
lightning fast...
<jaem> what sort of lightning do you have where you live,
then?
<lcuk> the sort that used to buffer before striking

<Narcissus> Dude I had a fucking crazy night last night
<Thomas> yeah?
<Narcissus> So you know how Jason is basically a crazy
redneck?
<Narcissus> well we were sitting around drinking when he just
pipes up "let's go hunting guys!"
<Narcissus> we're in the middle of the city, right, but we're
sort of drunk, so me, Mike and Aaron go for it
<Narcissus> We head out to the park, drinking from the
camelback of course, and see these fucking geese; Just
hundreds of fucking geese sleeping by the river.
<Narcissus> we're just kind of stumbling around laughing, but
Jason takes a fence post, UPROOTS the motherfucker, and just
Braveheart charges this field of geese
<Narcissus> the geese start going apeshit as he's swinging
like mad, just honking like crazy tearing up the river
<Narcissus> the three of us don't know what to do, but three
generations of inbreeding sure as hell did.  The fucker cracks
one of the geese over the head, and it's just frozen, sort of
stunned
<Narcissus> without a second of hesitation, Jason grabs his
dull ass pocket knife and just pounces on the goose, stabbing
wildly, and let me tell you.. there's a fuckton of blood in a
goose
<Narcissus> this thing is hemorrhaging  blood, completely
covering him, but he keeps stabbing it
<Thomas> wtf dude? that's fucking nuts
<Narcissus> just listen, it gets worse
<Narcissus> We are completely dumbfounded, we don't know what
the fuck just happened, but we're pretty sure it's extremely
illegal
<Narcissus> we decide to wrap up the goose in Aaron's jacket
and take it back to the apartments
<Narcissus> so we walk like 3 miles back, and take it to the
field by the power station
<Narcissus> Jason's not done though, he takes his dull blade
and SKINS THE MOTHERFUCKING GOOSE
<Narcissus> takes out the entrails, the whole nine yards,
takes for fucking ever
<Narcissus> at this time Mike is turning pale, he's looking up
all  the laws we'd broken, and he kept yelling about some
security guard watching us
<Narcissus> I told him to stop being paranoid, but he wouldn't
let up
<Narcissus> so he grabs the goose and just fucking chucks it,
as hard as he can over towards the freeway
<Narcissus> needless to say we were pissed, but we weren't
about to spend all night looking for that shit
<Narcissus> So we snuck home, drunk, hungry and defeated
<Thomas> Now that's a fucking adventure
<Narcissus> yeah, I know, but just imagine this episode of
cops:
<Narcissus> four college age guys, drunk, walk out of a
darkened field in the middle of a city at 3 A.M. after
spending several hours working on something, and one of them
is COVERED in blood, holding a dull, bloody knife, claiming to
have just hunted, skinned, and then completely thrown away an
entire goose
<Narcissus> you can't right better shit than that
<Thomas> I don't think we should ever hang out with Jason ever
again
<Narcissus> Agreed

<muse06> you ever think god gets stoned?
<humphrey> have you ever seen a platypus?

<oobey> my school year is off to a great start
<oobey> I was in the back of my physics auditorium, trying not
to fall completely asleep. The professor asks a question about
what method we use when doing math in science, so to pretend
like I'm not falling alseep, I shout out "sig figs"
<oobey> I then open my eyes and realize the prof is currently
talking about vectors and scalars, so the question was
dreamed, but the answer was not, and the entire class has come
to a complete stop now
<oobey> at this point I'm at a loss as to what to do, so I
pick up my bag and walk out without saying another word

<defekt> eh, some muslims just burned the swiss flag as a
danish flag
<naama-> it's the thought that counts

Hambone on #ramen #gaydads4sons #noodles
<blazemore> ash
<blazemore> get out of that gay channel, now
*** Hambone ([email protected]) has left #
ramen

<cheerios> LITTLE GOLDEN BOOKS THAT NEVER MADE IT:
<cheerios> 1. You Are Different and That's Bad
<cheerios> 2. The Boy Who Died From Eating Too Many Vegetables
<cheerios> 3. Daddy's New Wife Robert
<cheerios> 4. The Kids' Guide to Hitchhiking
<cheerios> 5. Kathy Was So Bad Her Mommy Stopped Loving Her
<cheerios> 6. The Little Sissy Who Snitched
<cheerios> 7. That's it, I'm Putting You Up for Adoption
<cheerios> 8. Grandpa Gets a Casket
<cheerios> 9. Strangers Have the Best Candy
<cheerios> 10. You Were an Accident
<cheerios> 11. Pop! Goes The Hamster...And Other Great
Microwave Games
<cheerios> 12. Sometimes Your Nightmares Are Real
<cheerios> 13. And Where Would You Like to Be Buried, Li'l
Timmy?
<cheerios> 14. Eggs, Toilet Paper, and Your School
<cheerios> 15. Daddy Drinks Because You Cry

<egg> today at work i got totally owned
<egg> i didnt understand something
<egg> and i said
<egg> "you know what i dont get?"
<egg> and a guy i work with said "pussy and respect?"
<egg> i was like  :\

<@Headknocker> what happens when 5 emos sit in a square room?
<@Headknocker> one dies because he has no corner to cry in :D

<Metalcore> works now, though
<Metalcore> it's just because I have shitty internet
<Metalcore> fast as hell
<Metalcore> but stable as a refrigerator balanced on a coke
bottle
<Metalcore> in hurricane force winds
<Metalcore> on a 45 degree slope
<Metalcore> of teflon

<flux-1> certainly vista sucks and I never upgraded, but
really, does mac really need to poke at pc in every
commercial?
<twentyonegrams> that's like kid with one leg making fun of a
kid with one arm