bash.org archive

<g1powermac> unbelievable
<g1powermac> we caught someone dumping trash in our dumpster
<g1powermac> wouldn't be a problem if trash pickup was free
<g1powermac> we couldn't stop the person in time, so we took
the trash out, went through it, found an address in the mail
in it, and dumped the trash back at their house

<COMRED> A trichinosis larva and a botfly maggot walk into a
bar. The botfly maggot turns to the trichinosis larva and says
"hey buddy, I heard you like pork." The trichonosis larva
looks the the botfly maggot right in the spiracles and says
"indeed, I encyst upon it."
<COMRED> Hahah. You get it? It's a homonymn.
<COMRED> fuck you all.

sup4hleet: eh, she's cute and has a rack you could mount a
server in

<Fustard> fuck
<Fustard> now im bored.
<Fustard> oh well
<Fustard> at least i have a cock and the internet.
<Fustard> ill do something with that.

<Harkila> i've always wondered what "holy shit" actually is
<Harkila> my strongest mental image is about the pope taking a
crap
<bleak-> a radiant turd with a halo
<Rancid-> like, xbox?

<Suriko> I HAVE DONE IT
<Suriko> I HAVE BEATEN THE CLAW MACHINE
<Suriko> I HAVE BURNT ITS FIELDS, AND HEARD THE LAMENTATIONS
OF ITS WOMEN
<Suriko> I got a teddy bear and a Shrek donkey <3

<Trust> How fast is a 486?
<Archon> dude, a 486 is 486mhz
<Archon> thats why its called a 486 you dumb fucking newb

<Mango> Haha, I went to the bathroom, came out, and ripped off
a piece of sweet bread that was on the table and my dad says
"What the hell are you doing? Did you wash your hands?"
<Mango> I said "no, but I didnt piss on my hands so dont
worry"
<Mango> "doesnt matter" he says "your hands were still all
over your dick"
<Mango> "Who cares? My dick, along with my entire body, came
out of YOUR dick"
<Mango> So now we can't look eachother in the eyes anymore.

<PhantomSkyfire> I was practicing with crutches and broke my
leg.

Delilah> I hate parties, because you have to look good, but if
you look too good other girls get jealous, and if you look not
good enough they talk nasty about you.
[kerrrigan] yeah
[kerrrigan] that never happens at halo parties

<Pepe> there are 2 kids in the fourth grade, one white and one
black, which one has the bigger dick
<L@cky> the black one
<Pepe> why?
<L@cky> cuz hes black dipshit
<Pepe> no fuckface, the nigger's 25!
<Nostradom> Dude, stop making fun of black people.
<Nostradom> Seriously, I used to have a really good black
friend.
<L@cky> used to?
<Nostradom> money was short...we had to sell him

* Entoutcas has quit IRC (Quit: And the Lord said unto John;
Come forth and receive eternal life. But John came fifth and
won a toaster...)

<lulzngigulz> there was this kid i met
<lulzngigulz> and apparently he likes me a lot, but luckily,
he lives far away
<lulzngigulz> how do i tell him to move on?
<WTFchristianOMG> ok, here's what you do
<WTFchristianOMG> pretend you have a bf
<WTFchristianOMG> that's the gentle way to do it
<WTFchristianOMG> "Yeah, you can meet John!  He's so awesome!"
<WTFchristianOMG> or, alternatively, talk about how hot other
guys are
<WTFchristianOMG> that happened to me, it took me two days to
figure out i was being told to take a hike
<lulzngigulz> hey christian
<lulzngigulz> i think we should hang out
<lulzngigulz> you can meet andrew, he's so cool
<lulzngigulz> but first i want to tell you about luke, he's so
hot

<Teratogen> What did the drunk say to Jesus when Jesus dropped
the cross?
<@James> uh oh
<Teratogen> "You keep dropping that thing and they're gonna
throw you outta the parade."
*** You have been kicked from channel #bible (that was so not
funny)

<Boyzoid> we went through almost 4 cases of beer
<Boyzoid> and most of that was drunk by my dad and I
<Boyzoid> I get my liver form him
<jamiejackson> you'll get it from someone else soon

<@joosa> how do you say float in java? just 1.5f?
<@Gliptic> FloatFactoryFactory.getInstance
(FloatFactoryFactory.defaultInstanceDescriptionString).getFactory
(Locale.getLocale("en-US")).createBuilder().setString
("1.5").getResult()

jeisai: Real Men of Genius. Today we salute you, Mr.
Compulsive Away Message Checker. While most people are out
actually having a fun life, you are at home reading about it
on your computer screen. Right mouse click, Get Buddy Info, or
the little Info box at the bottom of the Buddy List. You have
people on that list you haven't talked to in years, but you
still loyally read their away messages every day to see what
they're up to. So, crack open an ice cold Bud Light, Marauder
of the Mousepad, and don't wander too far from your computer
because you never know when someone's away message may change.
joejoe: you didn't type that, thats too proper for you to have
done.
joejoe: where did you get it?
jeisai: it was on somoene's away message...
joejoe: so its about you then?

<drealoth> one of the differences between a geek and a normal
person is that, when a warrenty ends, a normal person is
worried that it might break
<drealoth> the geek, on the other hand, is like 'hey, I can
take it apart now.'

<koharski> heh, my dad "hey, can you run some CAT5 into my
room?"
<koharski> apparently he wants to "check his email in bed"
<koharski> yesterday the router was blinking alot in my room
<koharski> so I went upstairs and knocked on his door
<koharski> "get any interesting emails?"
<koharski> he told me to go to bed :(

Poopsydo: i was remembering that my brother used to wake me up
when i was little to go open the gifts from santa...
Poopsydo: he would say: lizy lizy wake up, santa came by...
Poopsydo: and i would jump and follow him
Poopsydo: and one time he did that...and i followed him..
Poopsydo: and it wasn't even december
Poopsydo: it was like the middle of the summer
Poopsydo: he sat in the middle of the living room and laughed
his ass off at me

hehehe8383: school was pretty fun for me cus of the teachers =
P
hehehe8383: like i remember this one time in like 5th grade or
something
hehehe8383: i got a bloody nose in my math class and i had on
a white shirt to boot
hehehe8383: so i went to the nurse for like 10 min. while i
was sittin in the nurses office, the period was over so my
class left and another class came in
hehehe8383: but i still had my books there so i had to go back
in
hehehe8383: so i walk into the classroom with blood stains on
my shirt and holding a blood spotted tissue up to my nose
hehehe8383: so the teacher pointed at me and she goes "see
what i do to kids who dont do their homework?"
hehehe8383: i swear to you, this kid next to me had a
MORTIFIED look on his face as he started scribbling stuff down
on some incomplete worksheet =P

<MillitePress> Yeah, it's about masturbation and stuff. Weird
book.
<jamessheen> whats masturbation
<MillitePress> ...
<Kail> ...
<Nikul> ...
<MillitePress> It's a touchy subject

<thcip> Answering Machine: Did you ever hear one of those
corny, positive messages on someone's answering machine? "Hi,
It's a great day and I'm out enjoying it right now. I hope you
are too. The thought for the day is 'Share the love.'" Beep."
"Uh, yeah...this is the VD clinic calling...Speaking of being
positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love"

<GLE> Gah. I'm so bad at ring theory, and I have a midterm in
it Friday.
<GLE> It makes me want to fight people.
<yakusoku> Does Field theory make you want to grow corn?

<inspin> so just as I cutting into my pizza, the bell rang
<inspin> It was the little girl from nextdoor, asking where my
sister was
<inspin> so I hold up the knife covered in tomatosauce and say
in an evil voice "she's not here right now"
<3ll3> LOL
<inspin> so she screams and runs away
<inspin> I felt guitly so I start chasing her saying "I'm
sorry"
<inspin> Then her father sees me chasing after his little girl
with, what he must have thougt, a bloody knife
<3ll3> I hope he called the cops on you :p
<inspin> well no, but I don't think I'm getting my knife back
anytime soon :(

<TokenBlackGuy> my friend and i were writing l33t notes back
and forth in spanish class and our teacher caught us and was
like "im gonna read this to the entire class" and stopped and
was like "are you two writing in tounges?"

<Fly_kEaT> ok so what time now in russia?
<amsea_> 17:06
<Fly_kEaT> am or pm?

KelBell853: im 4'12'' 82 pounds, hazel eyes, brown hair blond
highlights, medium length hair
i am KTIK: 4'12"?
KelBell853: yeah 4 feet 12 inches
i am KTIK: I hope you're kidding.
KelBell853: im dead serious
i am KTIK: How many inches are in a foot?
KelBell853: 12
i am KTIK: Put two and two together...
KelBell853: opps yeah im 5 foot

<irving> i do stuff like set up my garage door to open over
the internet
<MyPetGoat> having an internet-enabled garage door? what that
fuck is that good for?
<MyPetGoat> it's like you're the most pathetic Bond villain
ever

<Kel> I got in trouble at the Canadian border. The guy said
"Do you have any guns or weapons in your vehicle?" and I said
"Why? What do you need?"

Velociraptor: Do you have ne updog?
SAMrhodes87: What the fuck is UPDOG?
Velociraptor: nuthin much wha bout u?

<Claes> hey
<Claes> I was just thinking...
<Claes> If someone sent you 10 cd's and a note saying: 9 of
these cd's contain porn. The last one fries your computer.
<Claes> what would you do?
* Claes Quit (Ping timeout)

Kult Radio: So I was with this girl
Kult Radio: She said "Give me eight inches and make it hurt"
Kult Radio: So I fucked her twice and hit her in the head with
a brick.

<iHaveAids> Anyone want to talk to a 17 / f?

<dranyam> It's nature. How do you make nature against the
fucking law? It grows everywhere. Serves a thousand different
functions, all of them positive. To make marijuana against the
law is like saying to God made a mistake. You know what I
mean, it's like God on the seventh day looked down on his
creation:
<dranyam> "There it is, my creation, perfect and holy in all
ways. Now, I can rest."
<dranyam> [Mimes God looking around - spotting pot]
<dranyam> "Oh my me."
<dranyam> "I left fucking pot everywhere."
<dranyam> "I should never have smoked that joint on the third
day ..shit."
<dranyam> "That was the day I created possums. Haha. Still
gives me a chuckle."
<dranyam> "If I leave pot everywhere that's gonna to give
humans the impression they're supposed to... 'use' it."
<dranyam> "(sigh)Now I have to create Republicans."

<<Newtype> "Chrono Trigger was supervised by a group referred
to as "The Dream Team", consisting of Hironobu Sakaguchi
(producer of the Final Fantasy series), Yuji Horii (director
of the Dragon Quest games), character designer Akira Toriyama
(of Dragon Ball and Dragon Quest fame), venerable producer
Kazuhiko Aoki, and Nobuo Uematsu (of Final Fantasy fame)."
<<Newtype> seriously, the only thing that could have made that
any better was having Jesus on that team
<<Schwarz> Jesus was a carpenter, what the hell would he know
about video games?

t3hraven: Holy shit somethings burning outside my window
t3hraven: brb
t3hraven: o, nm
t3hraven: it was a cloud going by my window
t3hraven: thought it was smoke :/
BILLLL: Go outside much, raven?
t3hraven: no :(
BILLLL: cuz those cloud things can be pretty tricky
t3hraven: shut up

<sje46> I avoid sex the same way I avoid bullets
<sje46> I haven't had the chance to

<MrBob> I hate Uni. At least in film studies we get to talk
about Fight Club.
<@X-Factor> Wouldnt you be breaking the first 2 rules?

<devoid> did you know what dell dude got busted for pot
<SSSXIII> yeah ;D
<devoid> it confuses me because i always thought marijuana was
a gateway drug

<|Asriel> How many Freudians does it take to change a light
bulb?
<|Asriel> Two, one to change the bulb and the other to hold
the penis
<|Asriel> I mean ladder!

<Tyson> hey AusGal24
<Tyson> Asl

<Rift> i ditch girls for video games all the time
<@monk-work> toggling between your porn window and your gaming
window does not qualify as "ditching girls for video games"

<Bobby20> I had this really weird dream once that I dropped my
penis in the shower and I couldn't get it to go back on

<zilla1126> When I woke up this morning I had semen in my
underwear.
<nadervader22> ....
<zilla1126> I'm concerned because it did not taste like mine.

<KainSularei> I wish that it was possible to edit car honks
<KainSularei> sometimes someone tries to cut me off, but i
always see it coming and speed ahead of them
<KainSularei> So I'm thinking I get some LOTR Gandalf bumper
sticker on my back bumper
<KainSularei> I'd like to be able to hit the steering wheel
and have them hear this booming "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" as I go
by

<puertoroo> so, i was at the store and the hot female clerk
was checking me out and stuff
<puertoroo> then we came back to my place and tore my bedroom
up
<puertoroo> then we did it on the stove and then on the
washing machine
<HuhWhat> And in the real world, what happened?
<puertoroo> ....i never even made it to the store :(

<Geno> Dude...
<Geno> I was wearing my All Your Base shirt...and someone
pointed out the craziest thing
<Geno> "Somebody Set Up Us the Bomb", when read Backwards, is
"Bomb the US (united states) Up Set (upset) Somebody"

(jonathans) i want a cow bell that makes a cow noise
(jonathans) when i hit it
(jonathans) it will go "COW"
(orion) cows go moo

< plasmadis> One time my dad stole a roll of brightly-colored
stickers from a butcher's counter that said "BREASTS" and went
to the video store and stuck them on all the movies that
looked likely to contain nudity.

<jimnathan> fuck fuck fuck... why does bash.org keep posting
those roses are red bastardizations?
<jimnathan> newsflash!! theyre not funny
<jimnathan> the only way it could possibly get worse is if
someone made a poem like that completely in 1337
<Fraeon> R0535 4R3 R3D, V10l375 4R3 BLU3, 1337 P037RY 5UCK5,
BU7 50 D0 Y0U?

<jettekuk> can anybody help me?
<ironi> jettekuk: i hope you realize your nick mean huge cock
in swedish
(and maybe other languages as well)
<jettekuk> no i didn t know that
<jettekuk> my name is jettek and i live in the uk

<Jakosin> what is a .tar
<Rivicen> its used to patch .road files

<tRonz0r> I'm $4 poorer, 1 bandanna richer and I still don't
look like a pirate
<tRonz0r> yarrrrrr, tis a sad day.

<xchlathx> "Dumbledore returns from the dead and declares it
to be hammertime, Harry proceeds to break it down, Voldemort
is unable to touch this."

<aidan> i'm going to rule when i leave home
<wyki> why?
<aidan> i was concerned about the amount of food in the house
<aidan> i now sit here with four, yes, four peanut butter and
jam sandwiches and a glass of milk
<aidan> i could live like this for weeks
<wyki> ahh but when you are living on your own you will need
to shop, and then you will be greeted with the problem that
has faced many broke young men living by themselves. to buy
bread and peanut butter, or to buy condoms and bear
<aidan> why i would EVER buy condoms and a bear is beyond me

< kate> wat r u doin ryt now
< Patrick`> Trying not to hunt you down and beat you into a
pulp with a dictionary.

X Garxx X: i found a bag of little black balls in  my cabinet
X Garxx X: and i was like cool chocolate balls
X Garxx X: so i started eating them
X Garxx X: and i was lik WHOAH THESE FRICKIN RULE ASS
X Garxx X: I BET THEYD BE GREAT WITH MILK
X Garxx X: ...thats when i realized i was eating coco puffs.

<jshock221> a freudian slip is when you say one thing but
you're really thinking about a mother.

<kegpin> I gotta go.
<Krebstar> ok, get better soon, keg.
<puppyfish> aww... is keg sick?
<Krebstar> nope. I just think he could be better than he is.

<+ChubZee> i was watching telly this morning before i went to
work
<+ChubZee> and there was a discussion on about a charity that
deals with teenage pregnancy
<+ChubZee> which is a huge problem in the uk
<+FCN|M0rlock> i can imagine
<+ChubZee> and they're advocating anal sex as a form of
contraception
<+ChubZee> (which i'm all for)
<+ChubZee> and their tag line is "one up the bum and you won't
be a mum"
<+ChubZee> i was almost dying laughing

<Cyb> heh this guy I knew in high school forgot to write an
english paper until like the day before it was due and it was
supposed to be a work of fiction a couple pages long
<Cyb> so he wrote down the half-life sp story
<Cyb> and stretched it out as much as he could
<Cyb> and got an A

<Lakitu7> "This pokemon wears the skull of its dead mother"
<Lakitu7> Cubone is really screwed up
<Lakitu7> Why the hell would they write that into the
poke-universe? That's going to screw up some little kid
<Lakitu7> "We're sorry Johnny. Your mother didn't make it"
"Can i have her skull for a helmet?" "what?"

<Daniel> The new bash quotes suck
<Nictheman> You realise if this goes on bash, you'll be part
of the new quotes, and will therefore suck?
<Daniel> ..
<Daniel> Fuck you.

<PinkShirt> jt has a handicapped plate, because his penis is
so small.
<PinkShirt> it's classed as a "sever disability"
<jtstocker> ha ya
<jtstocker> HEY! i dont have a fucking car
<jtstocker> asshole

*** _Melody_ has been kicked off channel #unix by Snooze (it's
your wedding night, get off irc)
*** _Melody_ ([email protected]) has joined channel
#unix
<_Melody_> oh
<_Melody_> we already had the sex

<gh5046> beep boop beep boop beep beep boop
<skrike> thats right r2 we're going to cloud city

<Koult> Hey Lac'
<Lac'> Sup dude?
<Koult> You know I went to the cinema with Claire
<Lac'> aye
<Koult> She gave me a blowjob half way through
<Lac'> really!?sweet!
<Koult> No dude, not fucking sweet,
<Lac'> ?
<Koult> Just as I came I was looking up at the screen,
<Koult> and Elijah Wood aka Frodo looked right into the camera
<Koult> and now I've got his face burned into my memory, I
feel I've just gotten head from a fucking Hobbit
<Lac'>I'd type rofl ect but if I dont stop laughing I'll piss
myself

<+kmad> whats the best way to get vaseline off your dick
<@BigJesus> sand paper
<+royceda59> lol
<+kmad> fuck you, not fallign for that again