bash.org archive

Sefy89: God my mom wont stop yelling
Dested: wat did u do this time?
Sefy89: i called her a lazy bitch and told her to get up and
do some work
Dested: ...doesnt your mom have a broken leg?
Sefy89: thus the noise

<flee> my favorite people to talk to on the phone are those
<flee> that are self-absorbed enough that all I have to do
<flee> is say "yup" and laugh at appropriate intervals.
<flee> it's only annoying when I don't know how to detach.
<flee> I should write a program that will say "yup" and
<flee> laugh for me.
<flee> of course, I can't tell anyone this.
<mrg> yup!
<mrg> hahahah

<@Aprentice> girls who fuck animals should be put in a mental
institute
<Rjx> or on TV

<Anime-Sama> While most people ask themselves "WWJD" (What
Would Jesus Do), I've decided to turn to the more appropriate
"WTGML," which is an acronym for "Will This Get Me Laid."

<Karnaugh> Nutmeg: are you still sexy?
<Nutmeg> no i lost photoshop

<Chalk> i got a new hard drive and i thought it was fucked cos
there was a really weird noise coming from it
<LocK> heh, that sucks
<Chalk> then i realsied there was a crow at my windoe
<Chalk> going raaaaaaaaw
<Chalk> stupid crow

<Murder-Is-Funny> I know this girl who is supposedly kinda
anti-social - so she says - and she's mentioned she doesnt go
many places or have many friends.. - but when I call her,
she's never home - whats that mean?
<Byte^> she has caller-id

<NyseriA> Things I've learned about war from videogames: If
you find yourself mortally wounded by an enemy sniper be sure
to let him know that he is a faggot.

<Gayo> I miss being able to type.
<Gayo> It was nice.
<Amy> ...
<Amy> What are you doing now then, using telepathy?
<Gayo> I'm dictating to my secretary
<Gayo> semicolon close parantheses

<Kaleidoscope> Alright, so this hermaphrodite walks into a
bar..
<r3c0n> go fuck urself
<Kaleidoscope> Oh, so you've heard this one before..

<Neo> I woke up the other morning at 4:00 am to find some
woman banging on my door. I was like, WTF?.... So I got up,
and let her out.

<tyrius> i have no job, no car, no gf
<tyrius> its 4am, sitting in my parents basement
<tyrius> my fingers are now permanent orange from the cheetos,
and so is my wang (dont ask)
<tyrius> and dont you hate it when you step in a puddle of
cum, then step in leftover dry ramen on the floor
<tyrius> if you let this shit dry, its impossible to get off.
like instant liquid cement
<tyrius> ...
<tyrius> hello
<ef_slinky> You make me feel so good about my life right now.
Thank you.

<slifty> Your mom is so fat she sat on a binary tree and
turned it into a linked list in constant time!

Jeffrey: Our customers at Cox are simply amazing.
Jeffrey: So I'm trying to troubleshoot this customer's cable.
I tell her to punch in "zero, three" on the remote control.
Jeffrey: These instructions were followed shortly by two tones
in my ear.

<trent> Dude, did I leave my platinum cube at your house?
<44lark> Nope, I was in the basement today and didnt see it
<trent> shit, I dont know where I left it then
<44lark> ya, hope you find it, im gonna go play Super Smash
Brothers
<trent> ok

* Lilmuckers hugs iphopper
* iphopper reciprocates the hug
* Lilmuckers grabs iphoppers lowest common factor and makes it
proportianal to 1 over 2
* iphopper primes lil's hug
* Lilmuckers differentiates iphopper gradient
* Lilmuckers takes the second differential to work out the
highest and lowest points
* Lilmuckers looks about at the assembled masses confused
faces and blushes
* iphopper tries to find lil's limit as it approaches x, and
the derivative of that value
<ragnarok2040> okay, who said maths geeks could cyber in here?

firedevilsfriend: dude! skype for pocket pc
firedevilsfriend: that means I can use my cell phone as... a
phone!

TECC:  |:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|:|
TECC:  oops, soz.  wrong window.
Fuhrur:  why in the fuck would you type that to anyone?

<Rose> ahaha...I remember this one time at a tattoo parlour
<Rose> and this girl wanted a tattoo on her lower back
<Rose> and she told the artist "yeah, I want something
symbolic"
<Rose> so I wrote "Exit only" in chinese

<TheDingo> okay.. i walked into the kitchen to get something,
and my mom is on the phone with someone and she says "i said,
'who are you to talk? you showed the inside of your anus to
half the nation!'"
<TheDingo> and i just screamed "you know the goatse man?!"

<DoctorRiff> well anyway, this drill sarge gets everyone lined
up, and starts yelling at all the recruits, like how they do
<DoctorRiff> and he was over to the left of the line, when
someone way off in the right yells "GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME
DEATH!"
<DoctorRiff> and the drill sarge yells "WHO SAID THAT?!" and
goes over and starts yelling at the right of the line
<DoctorRiff> then someone at the left of the line says
"PATRICK HENRY YOU FOOL!"
<DoctorRiff> according to my dad's friend, it was worth all
the extra jogging and military-type training they had to do

<playamj> I need some creative ways of asking this girl I like
to the prom...please post some ideas thanks!
<secks> You can try walking up to her and pushing the use key

<@Thrawn> They did a test in our local riot police lately
<@Thrawn> You know, the one where you have to put creatively
shaped wooden pegs in corresponding holes
<@Thrawn> Turns out they have 2 kinds of persons in our riot
police
<@Thrawn> Very stupid persons
<@Thrawn> And very strong persons

SteveDixon23: how hard do you think it would be to build a
working EMP bomb?
xanxion: the hard part would be making a video to prove it
works.
SteveDixon23: ...
SteveDixon23: this is true.

<maiden> the wife is going to acupuncture to help us get
pregnant...$65 a week
<knightmare> I'd think if she needed little pricks to get
pregnant you would've gotten the job done months ago

<www666> this is so cool I'm typing with Dragon
NaturallySpeaking in mIrc
<www666> no more typing
<LameLLama> www: try "thlash exit"
*** www666 has quit IRC (Leaving)
*** www666 ([email protected]) has joined
#visualbasic
<www666> Hugh Masters
<www666> you basterdes

<jip_> anyone know offhand how to make comments in lisp?
<Jumper> people still use lisp ?
<Liqd_Work> people started using lisp?
<MediArc> people can program?
<Jumper> ..people ?
<MediArc> ??
<drlion> there was light?

<Canas> your humor pleases only the children and the dim
witted
<JackPhantasm> same with your penis

<theclubhousebarandgrillgod> i have a ????? who is the admin
here
<Kyle> You have a horse?
<jeff> I'd like to buy a vowel.

<bishead> man there is such a difference between online comp
players and online console players.
<bishead> when i play cs my sexuality is attacked like a
hundred times and my mother's weight mentioned 50 times.
<bishead> i was playing some guy in madden 2004 on ps2. and
this guy was all like "hey man ur doing pretty good" and
giving me tips and shit.
<bishead> but i've been playing cs too long. blurted out i
wanna fuck ur mother with a pole.
<bishead> i kinda felt bad after.

<starmantaav> so i just realized yesterday
<starmantaav> i work at a mongolian bbq
<starmantaav> next door to a chinese restaurant
<starmantaav> shouldn't we have a bigass wall between us?

<SWM> if the average penis is 6"
<SWM> and the average pussy is 8" deep that means there''s
about 2 miles of unused pussy in like New York

<King_Kane> So i open a can of pepsi max and i see on the side
"Best Before: See base of can" so i turn the can around and i
feel a cold chill running down my legs...

<CuZZa> i lived there for a month
<CuZZa> japan is great
<CuZZa> really fucked up, but great
<CuZZa> its weird. me being a 6'4 white guy standing on a
train with a bunch of japanese people who are around 5'
<CuZZa> i had a fucking guy dressed as sailor moon looking at
me as if I was the weirdo

<+pf_work> what's the opposite of <3?
<Lokii> h8
<Rodry> </3
<sdoherty> >3
<Lems> !<3

<Navatalin> What do we want? less premature ejaculation! When
do we want it? ...ahhh shit :(

<kam`> you know... i used to have a crush on you
<Katie> Oh? and what did you learn?
<kam`> i have very low standards

<Duskmon> It must have blown to be one of the first outsiders
to convert to Christianity.
<Duskmon> Like, you're reading through the Bible for the first
time, and then a bunch of Hebrews burst into your Church
shouting "CAIN KILLS ABEL IN GENESIS FOUR VERSE EIGHT!"

<xNichG> anyone have a good way to visualize 3d vector fields
and surfaces?
<Nap> LSD?

*** d6|GaiaN has joined #lesbians
<d6|GaiaN> lol
<d6|GaiaN> EVERYONE OF YOU ARE GUYS AND I KNOW IT

<WaterBomb> did anyone get fucked by the ice storm?
<WaterBomb> I'm in west vagina
<WaterBomb> we only got 6 inches
<WaterBomb> but that 6 inches plus the ice has been a pain in
the ass
<WaterBomb> er, I live in west virginia

<@je_fro> fox news isn't really news
<@je_fro> it's actually one of the largest trolling
experiments ever conducted

Flared Oblivion: Do you play MS?
knucklehead800: MapleStory?
Flared Oblivion: Yes
knucklehead800: Never heard of it

<GC> do you have any idea how hard it is killing flies on your
screen when its a touchscreen!? you have to wait till they
walk off a button
<Mfling> rofl
<mx> heh
<GC> i swear they have started to get wise and just sit around
on the close buttons of all my apps!

<Deltantor> Why is it so hard to find a man that wants a
female that has a small son?
<f0rked_> I prefer a small daughter
<grnp> I prefer a smaller son
<ChrisHansen> I prefer that you both have a seat over there.

genjer: so my sister asks me if this shirt makes her look fat
genjer: and I was like, "no the fat underneath does"

Zipalooie: i'd rather walk home from boston on train tracks
drunk
Zipalooie: and blindfolded
Zipalooie: with headphones on blasting slayer at full volume
Zipalooie: than get in a car with your sister again

<BobInDaShadows> It's been my life goal to have a quote on
bash
<BobInDaShadows> That and to meet somebody from Wyoming.
<Keiser> Why Wyoming?
<BobInDaShadows> Have YOU ever met somebody from Wyoming?
<Keiser> Good point

(SnapScan): hablais español?
(Picasso-): I would like TWO soft tacos and a large pepsi

<EtherMan> stoner chicks suck
<EtherMan> they're a waste of a perfectly good set of breasts.

<windows_macgeek> Is there a way to overclock a compact flash
card to have more storage?
<InvisableMan> umm..... can you overclock the memory in your
computer to give you more storage?
<windows_macgeek> HAHAHA!!!! Of course not, idiot!
<InvisableMan> you just took the words right out of my mouth.
<windows_macgeek> ...Oh.

<Mootar> what was god thinking when he made my ass sweat?

<IncoherentMoron> choose an integer between 1 and 35
<Elliotw2> F
<IncoherentMoron> base 10, smartass

<mD5> please no-one send me that stuff about sex in my aol
mailbox
<flukz> i had to turn off my computer cuz all the porn kept
popping up
<Mattress> mD5, what's your e-mail? I'll remove you from the
list
<mD5> [email protected]
<mD5> thank you for removing me from the list

<<Excel>> Omg, I saw the funniest thing today.
<<Excel>> There was a chalk outline on the floor, like those
crime scenes where someone's been murdered.
<<Excel>> And in the middle of it, someone had written 'PWNED!
'

<RobertDylan> "Physics is to math as sex is to masturbation"
<zwei> i am so much better at math than physics
<zwei> wait
<zwei> fuck

<Trivbot> 18.  A baby doctor is a _________.?
<Smitty> o.0
<Rhodz> fucking fast learner

<Vic> You there X?
<X> no
<X> fuck

<Farrod> One Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn
chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn. The
neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged at this
that she came over and shouted at me, "You should be hung."
<Farrod> I calmly replied, "I am. That's why she cuts the
grass.

<fubar> We have a town called "Gay Head, MA"
<fubar> There's a town in Wisconsin named Spread Eagle
<fubar> There's a town in South Carolina named Sugar Tit
<Jagfire> I like gay head better
<fubar> I'm sure you do

<vodak> Adding files to WinAmp has gotten much easier now that
I realized 'enqueue' wasn't spanish...

aakashdheer: my grandmother gave me a wish
aakashdheer: i could either have a perfect memory or a huge
penis
aakashdheer: i can't remember my decision

[eddo] What's the job application to Hooters?
[eddo] They just give you a bra and say: Here, fill this out?

(TarAldarion) just a bit shocked that my roommate is pregnant
(Ruu) was it a shock to her also?
(TarAldarion) dunno yet
(TarAldarion) havnt talked to her
(TarAldarion) read her blog

<woodenleg> what should i get my gf for her birthday?
<spherXz> your virginity
<woodenleg> lol, something i haven't already given her?
<spherXz> an orgasm
<woodenleg> i'll ask someone else...

<SinTax> I did something today that nobody will be able to do
ever again so long as the earth rotates.
<SinTax> I work at a hardware store. The truck had just come
in, and we're unloading the junk from it. It's a lot of work.
I was called over to help, so I drank all of my supersweet,
very hot coffee in like two gulps.
<SinTax> About an hour later, after we're all done, I began to
feel really sick from all the coffee, like I was going to
throw up at any time. I just sort of stick it out though,
because I don't want to look weak to the other hardware guys.
They've got me outmuscled by like twenty pounds apiece.
<mInmAx> mmhm
<SinTax> I'm cleaning in the aisles, and some old woman walks
up to me with her eight year old girl, asking me where the
lightbulbs are.
<SinTax> The little girl is screaming for something on the
little toy display while I'm trying to tell this old woman
(Who did not seem to understand that we don't sell
lightbulbs.)
<gorg> lol old people
<SinTax> and this girl is making a ruckus, running everywhere.
I'm on my third explanation for our lack of lightbulbs, trying
to keep the coffee in, when this girl slams the hell into me
while she's running around.
<SinTax> I couldn't hold it in any longer, and I pretty much
covered this screaming child in piping hot coffee and a sludgy
mass of granola while her grandmother went off in the
direction of our stockrooms to look for lightbulbs.
<SinTax> It was definitely worth the twenty something job
applications I now have to write up all over again.

<Samurai> She isn't forcing anyone! she haven't asked them of
nothing½!
<enisoc> how the hell do you type a ½ symbol by accident??

<grl_05>hi guys
<integrating> hey baby, i wish i were your derivative because
then i'd be tangent to all your curves
<FifthElement> i wish i were your integral because then i'd be
the area under all your curves

*** C2H5OH has joined #finalfight
<MightyQuinn> greetings, Mr. Ethanol
<Rico> Mmm... caffeine.
<Squizzle> Wow, one of you failed organic chem.