bash.org archive

<megamobike> my mom taught me a very important lesson today
<ccrookedrrain> no means no?
<megamobike> gross

<pathogen> in maths today we found out that 1+3+3+7 = 14
<pathogen> so therefore 1337 = 14
<pathogen> so anyone who speeks 1337 is 14

<DVS01> i read about some unix server dying every night
<DVS01> so the techs stayed overnite drinking coffee to see
why it dies every nite
<DVS01> then they see the maid come in, unplug the server,
plug in the vacuum, vacuum the floor, replug the server and
leave.

<c-rOCK> so I wonder if its possible to become SO good at
masturbating, sex becomes obsolete.  Like you could be fucking
a girl, and just go "man this is weak, wheres my right hand
at" because pussy simply isnt up to par with your masturbation
skills.

<Wodan> hi wich langage do u spieak?
<moonsee> heh
<moonsee> apparently not yours

<+nexx> im thinking of quitting university to spend my life
reading every quote on bash.org, quote this on bash so when im
30 ill read this and remember where my life went wrong.

<PERvERT> i have a 9 inch penis
<Duce> is that in dog inches?

<Defect> i've sworn off dating to the point where my mother's
inquiries as to whether or not i'm gay are getting
frustratingly more frequent.
<harb> Defect : Haha.
<harb> I hate that.
<harb> My mom asked me ONCE.. and I just started laughing.
<harb> And then went back to my David Hasslehoff shrine.
<Defect> she visited me a couple weekends ago and we went out
to dinner, she had a few drinks and said "You can tell me if
you're gay you know, i'm drunk now, i can take it."

<godlys0ldier> How can i know what a $rand number is gonna be
<Spitfire3292> ...Thats gotta be the fuckin stupidest thing
i've heard all day

<Sandman> You know something? Burning hair reeks.
<Zibblsnrt> I think that's nature's way of telling you, "Don't
set your hair on fire, dipshit!"

<Zack`> I wore my boxers backwards all day yesterday
<shea_> haha
<Zack`> And I didn't realize it until I scratched my ass
<Zack`> And my hand went through the slot and made contact
with my crack
<Zack`> And I was like WTF

<craig> i'm sorry, i should've remembered that many people are
pedanic here
<Crappy> it's pedantic

<Mak> Aimee, well that's your opinion, and I have my opinion
about you. I don't bring my opinion up, so I'd love it if in
return you'd do the same, if only for common courtesy :)
<Aimee> I'd love to hear your opinion about me hon.
<Aimee> Perhaps you could write a book?
<Aimee> and name it "Things Aimee doesn't care about, by
Makat"
<Mak> Chapter 1: Other people

<JB> When I was a kid, you could just admire a naked woman.
She didn't have to be defecating.

<Schizo> I once knocked out a toddler with a door. Wasn't
funny at the time, but it's hilarious now lol
<sleepbu> i almost frostbitereered my nuts last night :p
<sleepbu> since we're being honest
<sleepbu> it was a hot night
<sleepbu> bag was all hot and sweaty
<sleepbu> thought i'd try out my can of duster
<sleepbu> compressed gas :P
<sleepbu> little did i know that shit comes out as liquid if
it's upside down
<sleepbu> drip drip *freeze* OMG WORLD OF PAIN WORLD OF PAIN
WORLD OF PAIN

Dan: When I die, I wouldn't want any one to find my pr0n.
Someone needs to create encrypted mpeg/divx.
Presmike: all the passwords would be cracked in no time
because they have to be easy enough to type with one hand.
Dan: O_o

<Daz-D3> wanna see somethin funny ld?
<LordDeath> No. Please pull your pants back up.

<blazemore> linux gives good blow jobs
<MadHatter> I thought your moms name was nancy?

<thinkmad> your face sucks
<thinkmad> watch my movie
<thinkmad> http://www.thinkmad.com/tvp/tvp/Media/
Meetyou_lo_320x240.mov
<Hummer> thats good advertising
<Hummer> start off with an insult. always works
<Drakken> FUCK YOU ALL - Buy Crest toothpaste!
<Hummer> hahah
<golic3> He got your attention though
<Hummer> true
<Hummer> EAT SHIT! go to mcdonalds!

<Shiv>To: Starduck ([email protected])
<Shiv>From: Shiv Asmodaeus ([email protected])
<Shiv>Subject: Forum Ban
<Shiv>
<Shiv>It has been several months since I was banned from the
ANBU forums, and I believe that I have <Shiv>learned my
lesson.  I promise to never, ever again ask for the specifics
regarding what has <Shiv>infested your colon, nor if said
infestation has begun the laying of eggs.  If you wish, I
<Shiv>will avoid the subject of your intestinal invaders
altogether.
<Shiv>
<Shiv>Additionally, I withdraw my query regarding the status
of your Valtrex prescription.  <Shiv>Understandably, I am sure
this would be an uncomforatable subject to speak of to a
stranger.
<Shiv>
<Shiv>With great expectations and rock hard nipples, I await
your reply.  Thank you.

(polvott:#freebsd) this channel is not for mentally challenged
14 year olds like you
(@blaxthos:#freebsd) it's for socially challenged 40 year olds
like polvott

<xanesly> my husband and I felt stupid standing in the yard
with dog saying "go potty! time to go potty!" in that dorky
voice you use to talk to dogs and babies
<xanesly> (and some foreigners)
<xanesly> so we decided to use STDOUT instead
<fwoom> rofl
<xanesly> so we stand outside chirping "standardout!
standardout!"
<xanesly> which has made it that whenever *we* need to go to
the bathroom we refer to it as STDOUT
<xanesly> and when the dog has an accident, STDERR
<xanesly> sometimes I make myself sad.

computersislove: im annoyed.
AbnormalMembrane: Wrong suffix.
AbnormalMembrane: You mean "-ing"
AbnormalMembrane: Sorry. I'm kinda a grammar Nazi about these
things.

<Khross> I'M GOING TO REPLACE YOUR LOWFAT MILK WITH SLIGHTLY
HIGHER FAT MILK AND EXPOSE YOU TO THE RISK OF FUTURE HEART
DISEASE.

<Inuyasha> Those guys at bash must have some sort of
auto-accept system with quotes
<Inuyasha> Either that or the guys that approve them are both
racist and blind

<Grumman> I got windows 200pro today.
<shithead1> windows 200? did marcus aurelius use that?

<wormy98> naw, its one of the new plasma screens
<beretta> plasma? isnt that the stuff that the caves in alaska
shoot out?
<wormy98> no. that's lava, volcanoes, and hawaii.
<EDMundane> beretta: is there any limit to your stupidity?

<Uberkommando> i keep all my songs in
"E:ClearlyNotPiratedMedia"
<Uberkommando> that should keep the RIAA off my trail for a
while

(Sethy) How many Supreme Court Justices can you guys name?
(MasterOfHyrule) uh...
(MasterOfHyrule) Bush?
(Sethy) Aaaand how many members of the Bradey Bunch can you
name?
(MasterOfHyrule) Marsha, Cindy, Jane, Peter, Bobby, Greg, Mom,
Dad, Alice
(Sethy) ...Now what does that say about you?

DANIEL: I found a site called SparePartsWarehouse. Being that
I'm stupid, I failed to check ResellerRatings or any such
thing. My dad ordered a new keyboard from them. $70, I
believe. Two days later it gets here, it's not a keyboard.
It's a hinge. No, I'm not kidding. They sent a goddamn hinge.

<dogs> we use IPv7 now
<dogs> it's pretty much IPv6, but the headers contain porn
<dogs> saves bandwidth

<SpuD|work> augh, I hate MS Office and people's expectation
that "IT'S PART OF WINDOWS SO I WANT IT FREE!"
<SpuD|work> for starters, IT'S NOT PART OF WINDOWS, also, IT'S
NOT FREE, and it's not even cheap, and NO IT'S NOT MY FAULT
YOUR MATE PIRATED IT FOR YOU LAST TIME AND YOUR PC DIED AND
YOUR MUM GOT SCARED AND SAID YOU'RE MOVING WITH YOUR AUNTIE
AND YOUR UNCLE IN BEL-AIR

<Zenji> My brother who hasnt talked to my Dad in like a year
or so got a chick pregnant.
<Zenji> He notified my Dad by sending him a "Worlds Number 1
Grandfather" card.

<looooly> hello , I have a problem and i need help
<looooly> ?
<voidnull> ok. don't ask your question, though. 'cause we can
read your mind.
<looooly> really .so whats my problem <voidnull> ???
<voidnull> I think your problem is you're having difficulties
understanding sarcasm.

<Timelord> My beard has blonde hairs.
<Timelord> And red.
<Timelord> And brown.
<Timelord> And black.
<Timelord> And white.
<Timelord> And a couple of other shades of those.
<asshat> stop going down on carebears

<rewind> look! I know how to do YMCA!!
<rewind> \o/ |o| /o_ /o\

<fry> i remember the first time i had a boner i thought it was
cacner or something
<fry> because i used to be smart and shit and i learned in
class that tumers were "uncontrolled growths"
<Raven> Then you found the internet. And now you can't even
spell cancer. Or tumors.
<fry> ...
<fry> :(

Mike: i downloaded a virus to test my current virus
protector.  guess what, it failed the test

<ppolf>  I told my brother if you take the cotton wool bit out
of a vics inhaler and rubbed it under your eyes, you see in
black and white.
<ppolf> He kicked my fucking head in after bawling his eyes
out for two hours.

<DoomDemon> I have good news and bad news.
<DoomDemon> The good news is that I had some really great sex
with my wife last night.
<DoomDemon> And she even screamed "Oh John!" during orgasm.
<PhylumDeviant> isnt ur name dave?
<DoomDemon> Yeah, that's the bad news...

<Sivvy> No, the next friday the 13th is in... July.
<Elmer> O rly? When?
<Sivvy> On the 13th, dipshit.

Keewa: ::buries her head in your shit:: X3
Keewa: ...errr
Keewa: shirt*

<DooD> <31hp 102m 60mv> You start fighting A mouse.
<DooD> A mouse ducks to the ground, narrowly avoiding your
strike!
<DooD> A mouse skillfully dodges your assault.
<DooD> A mouse is in excellent condition.
<DooD> <31hp 102m 60mv>
<DooD> A mouse strikes you with terminal brutality!
<DooD> You are stunned, but will probably recover.
<DooD> wtf was that
<timmo> well
<timmo> a mouse whooped your ass

<+commodore_dude> anyone wanna make me a magic 8-ball in java?
<+x24> ask again later

<JoeCuervo> i miss my gfs vagina...
<psychicbug> me too
<JoeCuervo> shaddap

(Cdian)If anyone wants to see it, I have the entire series of
"goatse" pictures, not just the most famous one. You'd be
horriffied to see exactly what that man can fit up his arse.
(em-p)Yeah cause when I saw goatse.cx my first thought was
"where can I find MORE?" and then, when I found more? "I'm
going to hold onto these!" I just don't KNOW you anymore dude.

<Gemini4t> I'm going to become rich and famous some day when I
design a keyboard that has spring-loaded needles hidden inside
the caps lock button.
<Gemini4t> Some newbie tries to type 'WOW WUT IS UP???? LOLZ'
and instead he types 'AH FUCK MY FINGERZ BLEEDIN'

[CaptHowdy] [~] $ touch /dev/genitalia
[CaptHowdy] touch: /dev/genitalia: Permission denied

<Knuckleskin> i know someone here who was sent to prison cos
he had nunchucks in the boot of his car
<Swiss_Cheese> holy shit, over there ur cars have boots?!
<Swiss_Cheese> ours have wheels

<nemovc>i once found the text strings stored in the bios of my
old 286. not far from the standard "Keyboard error, press F1
to continue." message was "CPU not found. System halted."
<nemovc>i always wondered how they intended to display that
message

<Mike>You don't even know what a foo is
<Chris> of course i do... It's the guy you pity.

<Philth> WTF?
<Philth> new jenga 9/11 memorial twin pack
<Philth> comes with a little plane to push the blocks out

Plouj> I can't put a finger on my problem(s).
@Pezmaker> Plouj: touch your finger to your forehead

jim: :D
jim: http://www.bash.org/?random1
jim: top one :D

<Warmaster_Horus> But some of the stuff you can do with mayo
is good
<NiTessine> Yes. Like assassinations.
<Mithran> You assassinate people with mayo?
<NiTessine> Nobody ever suspects mayo.

<joel`> Penguins are the only fish that can fly

<xsphere> dude, josh was struck by a genius yesterday
<xsphere> it's fo funny you wouldn't believe man
<xsphere> so we're walking down the street right
<xsphere> and out of nowhere comes this black kid running
<xsphere> and one of those rent-a-coppers chasing him
<xsphere> as he's passing by josh sticks his foot up and trips
him
<xsphere> turns over to me
<xsphere> and with an oscar deserving dead pan face says
<xsphere> "another one fucked by the NPCs"
<xsphere> hahaha

<BigPigPeaches> So my GF and I are watching  The Empire
Strikes Back  last night. Let me say that this is possibly my
favorite movie of all time.
<BigPigPeaches> But suddenly I consider: we have always
thought of R2D2 as a light-hearted comic relief type of droid.
With his tweets, chirps, raspberries, and whoops, how could he
be anything other than cute?
<BigPigPeaches> But what if people were misunderstanding what
he is actually saying? What if he could be accurately
translated? And what if he were saying things that weren t
cute at all? To wit:
<BigPigPeaches> (The scene where Luke and R2D2 are leaving
Hoth in Luke s x-wing)
<BigPigPeaches> Artoo: Hey, assclamp, where the hell are you
hauling me?
<BigPigPeaches> Luke: There s nothing wrong, Artoo, I m just
setting a new course.
<BigPigPeaches> Artoo: Oh, goodie. Are we going to see your
dad? Cause you know he s Darth Vader, right? I mean, you know
that, otherwise you re even more of a dumbass than I thought.
<BigPigPeaches> Luke: We re not going to regroup with the
others.
<BigPigPeaches> Artoo: That s probably because they know what
they re doing, and you don t.
<BigPigPeaches> Luke: We re going to the Dagobah system.
<BigPigPeaches> Artoo: The Bagadouche system? What an
appropriate destination for a douchebag such as yourself. Are
you sure you don t want me to fly? Cause I ll bet you re going
to crash us into some godforsaken swampy bog, you mindless
pube.
<BigPigPeaches> (Later on in Cloud City, during the escape
scene)
<BigPigPeaches> 3PO: Artoo! Where have you been?
<BigPigPeaches> Artoo: Listen, you bronzed dildo, I ve been
dicking around in a frigging swamp for the better part of two
weeks while some wannabe wizard has been taking advice from an
ancient lizard. I got slime in my droid genitals, a bad yeast
infection, and I m not in the mood for your prissy shit, so
put a metal cork in it, buttnozzle.
<BigPigPeaches> 3PO: Well at least you re still in one piece,
look what happened to me!
<BigPigPeaches> Artoo: Yeah yeah yeah, you got blasted to
shit, they should have left your ass in that scrap heap. You
have contributed absolutely nothing useful to this point. By
the way, how is it that you re even more of a whiny bitch than
you were in the first three movies? I thought they wiped your
frigging memory.
<BigPigPeaches> Do they have some sort of universal  BitchBot 
app that they keep putting in your lame ass? Bitch.
<BigPigPeaches> (while trying to unlock the landing platform
door)
<BigPigPeaches> 3PO: Artoo, you can tell the computer to
override the security system!
<BigPigPeaches> Artoo: Oh, thanks for reminding me, you
pretentious fuckstick. Do you know what else I can do? I can
FRIGGING FLY! George Lucas said so! But that didn t stop me
from falling into an effing swamp on that Bagadouche planet.
By the way, did you know that Darth Vader is Luke s father?
Cause I DO!
<BigPigPeaches> Oh, look, I got fried by a goddamn computer
terminal. Thanks, dickweed.
<BigPigPeaches> 3PO: Don t blame me. I'm an interpreter. I'm
not supposed to know a power socket from a computer terminal.
<BigPigPeaches> Artoo: You re supposed to know your droid ass
from a hole in the ground, but you don t. Jesus, I should have
left your sorry ass on that ship, you sphincter. Just wait
till I get to use my little welding thingy on your droid
scrote. I hate you and all these miserable bastards. Where s
my Oscar?

<NES> hah
<NES> speaking of your mom jokes getting me in trouble
<NES> my friend rocky's mom died of cancer
<NES> I had no knowledge of this cancer, I hadn't known him
very long
<NES> and I had for a while this obnoxious habit of doing
those your mom jokes
<NES> repeating something someone said and inserting their mom
<NES> so I sit down at lunch one day and I hear him say "she
died of cancer"
<NES> and I said "your MOM died of cancer"
<NES> *silence*

<tumnus> i just set my clock the easiest way ever
<tumnus> i waited until it was midnight then i plugged it in
and left it

Lurker: i just watched some ad on the apple website
Lurker: that was poking fun at how pcs get syntax errors and
fatal errors
Lurker: and then i click the next movie and it goes
Lurker: 'Quicktime performed an illegal operation, it is
highly recommended that you restart firefox'

<zombiemann77> i tied this girl up and she told me to do
whatever i wanted to her so i took her stereo, dvd player, and
all her money

<pr00f> Tendency's chatroom inaction
<pr00f> is due to a pleasant distraction.
<pr00f> she finds it quite grand
<pr00f> to type with one hand,
<pr00f> in search of her own satisfaction!

<DrBacchus> fajita: RFC 2795
<fajita> DrBacchus: excuse me?
<DrBacchus> fajita: You're supposed to give me a link.
<fajita> DrBacchus: i'm not following you...
<DrBacchus> dumb bot
<fajita> Stupid human

<Trekkie> this ant has run around 15 times around the screen
of my monitor
<IceBerg> kill it with ur mouse
<Trekkie> i tried clicking on him; he wont die
<IceBerg> no you nerd, smash it with your mouse

<@Ryu> I remember when I was watching a porn on a tape I
received from my friend, and I start wacking off to the
lesbians on the TV... Then all of a sudden right when I was
about to cum, the tape stopped and it was TeleTubbies on the
TV instead. I cummed, and I cried.... i'm not joking.

<@Shai`tan> Know what the best part of pirated software is?
<@Shai`tan> the cool songs that play in the cracking programs

<eViLegion> my brother was using Word, trying to edit the
format of his text, and the bloody paperclip turns up
instead... his voice command to it "piss off you little
shit"... it deleted 2 paragraphs of text

(+GamerTony) is it bad when you and your fiancee start eating
the same things?
(@arfer) if it's pussy, yes