bash.org archive

<Plot> I was either going to die now
<Plot> or get 80% third degree burns atleast
<Plot> someone had the gas nob opened
<Plot> I went into kitchen
<Plot> switched a bulb
<Plot> and wham
<Plot> kitchen was filled with one big ass fire ball
<theForger> woah dude
<C--> damn
<Jyrsija> jesus
<ThaDragon> If you just blow up your kitchen, and then proceed
to get on IRC and tell people about it, you might be a junkie.

<@Yenkaz> "You also agree that you will not use these products
for any purposes prohibited by United States law, including,
without limitation, the development, design, manufacture or
production of missiles, or nuclear, chemical or biological
weapons."
<@Yenkaz> i mean.. wtf
<@Yenkaz> I'd admire anyone capable of using itunes to produce
any weapon of mass destruction

grosslack: Hell is a place of everlasting damnation and fire.
locokamil: Your belief system is thermodynamically unsound.

( PovRayMan ) In one of the bathrooms on campus, someone
wrote: "The Americans are the Nazis of the 20th Century."
( PovRayMan ) Below it, another person followed up: "The Nazis
are the Nazis of the 20th Century, you fuckwit."

<Outpost> I love how everyone is blaming Obama for the oil
spill..
<AnnoDomini> It's actually the British.
<Outpost> yeah, you'd think British Petroleum would've made
that known.
<AnnoDomini> See, Americans dumped English tea into Boston
Bay.
<AnnoDomini> The British, after biding their time for 237
years, have struck back.
<AnnoDomini> YOUR MOVE, AMERICA.
<Outpost> ...I am so in love with you right now.

<ZhanDVG> Dammit
<ZhanDVG> I kept glancing at the computer thinking that the
channel was dead...
<ZhanDVG> Then I realised I was looking at Notepad :(
<DJ-Neo> ....
<Ice_Dragon> wow.
<Ice_Dragon> Zhan, I can safely say I don't think any of us
are ever going to top that

bloodninja: Ok baby, we got to hurry, I don't know how long I
can keep it
ready for you.
j_gurli3: thats ok. ok i'm a japanese schoolgirl, what r u.
bloodninja: A Rhinocerus. Well, hung like one, thats for sure.
j_gurli3: haha, ok lets go.
j_gurli3: i put my hand through ur hair, and kiss u on the
neck.
bloodninja: I stomp the ground, and snort, to alert you that
you are in my
breeding territory.
j_gurli3: haha, ok, u know that turns me on.
j_gurli3: i start unbuttoning ur shirt.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't wear shirts.
j_gurli3: No, ur not really a Rhinocerus silly, it's just part
of the game.
bloodninja: Rhinoceruses don't play games. They f*cking charge
your ass.
j_gurli3: stop, cmon be serious.
bloodninja: It doesn't get any more serious than a Rhinocerus
about to
charge your ass.
bloodninja: I stomp my feet, the dust stirs around my tough
skinned feet.
j_gurli3: thats it.
bloodninja: Nostrils flaring, I lower my head. My horn, like
some phallic
symbol of my potent virility, is the last thing you see as
skulls collide
and mine remains the victor. You are now a bloody red ragdoll
suspended in
the air on my mighty horn.
bloodninja: Goddam am I hard now.

<Philth> god i'm stupid
<Stinger> yes you are
<Philth> Stinger: Have you heard the jokes they don't tell
fags?
<Stinger> yes
<Stinger> dumbass
<Philth> what ones?
<Stinger> i cant tell you
<Stinger> fag
<Philth> DAMN that really backfired..

spE4Ce pREtZEL01: how do I end up being a therapist for all my
old gfs
OMGIMJ4KE: comes with the territory
OMGIMJ4KE: same thing happened with mine
spE4Ce pREtZEL01: not that I mind, I love 'em all
spE4Ce pREtZEL01: collect 'em, trade 'em, show 'em to your
friends
OMGIMJ4KE: gotta catch em all
spE4Ce pREtZEL01: Wendymon, I choose you! Bipolar attack!
OMGIMJ4KE: "Im happy! Now im sad!"
OMGIMJ4KE: Monster is confused!

<Beerman> I'm the top of the nick list
<Beerman> therefore I am the tallest
<Outsyder> i am in the middle of the nick list
<Outsyder> therefore i am the belly
<Beerman> does that make Sethur the naughty bits?
<Sethur> Hmmmm.
* Sethur is now known as Sethurrrrrrrrrrrr
<Sethurrrrrrrrrrrr> That's better.
<Beerman> you're still at the "naughty bits" area of the nick
list
<Sethurrrrrrrrrrrr> Yes. That's why I made my nick longer

<Apocalypse> So I was at work and decided to entertain myself,
everyone else went out to lunch and I was by myself
<Apocalypse> Pron was 1st on the list, so I start surfing the
internet, following links to various sites, and after 5
minutes or so I decided to stop
<Apocalypse> By then I had 30 or so screens opened up, all
maximised, and while I'm closing them one by one (admiring the
pics one last time) I hear a door open nearby and turn around
to look, and I kept clicking
<Apocalypse> Unfortunately, my mouse must have moved a little,
because when I turned back I realised I was clicking on the
"print" button instead, over and over and over :/
<Apocalypse> And to make things worse, things get printed
downstairs in a special room, then get brought up to us to
make things more conveniant
<Apocalypse> In brief, in 10 minutes time I have to see the
boss and explain why I decided to print out 10 or so full page
pictures of two girls fingering each other on the floor :(

<Ab0mination> I sleep on a bunk bed yeah, which is only
accessbile by a ladder and last night I must've been dreaming
or something because I woke up screaming about my ladder being
taken off my bed so I couldn't get down
<Ab0mination> And I dreamt that there was a badger sleeping at
the end of the bed
<Ab0mination> So in sheer terror I jumped from my bunkbed down
onto the floor at 3am.
<Ab0mination> I've now got to go to the vet to get my cat
checked out because I landed right on him as he was sleeping
on my floor and squashed him. (he's a deaf fuckwit)
<Ab0mination> My parents and sisters are not speaking to me.
<Ab0mination> Because they found me kneeling down beside the
limp cat yelling manically at it and waggling my fingers at it
like the Borg of Star Trek do.
<Ab0mination> Apparently I was screaming: "I am Locutus of
Borg. You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile".

EightyAngryApes : so I was sittin outside the gas station, at
like 11 30 in the morning.
EightyAngryApes : and suddenly this car pulls up and im like
woah that looks like my dads car
EightyAngryApes : then out steps my dad, rap music blaring
from his speakers and some lady in his passenger seat (not my
mom or anyone I know)
EightyAngryApes : and he looks at me and hes like shouldn t u
be in school? n im like shouldn t u be at work
EightyAngryApes : so hes like this meeting never took place
and im like agreed.
EightyAngryApes : then he went in and walked out of the gas
station carryin a box of condoms
WattoEXTAO : !!HAAHAHAHA!!!

<FlipTopBox> wow... spam in my hotmail inbox: "See Girls with
buckets of cum all over their faces!
<Slant> FlipTopBox: Dude. Give them some credit, it's hard to
balance a bucket on your face.

<Drhubbard> watched this film called 'anal lesbians' the other
day.
<Drhubbard> they spent about half the film going through the
fridge labelling everything..

<Shadow> what the fuck
<Shadow> my moniter just went black
<Shadow> then came back on
<&Aphrodite> You're lucky
<&Aphrodite> I heard normally they never go back

<anonop> whats your worst sex story?
<anon> I'll answer with a one-liner.
<anon> It takes a brave man to swim in the Red waters, but it
takes a hero to drink from it.

<Lunchbox> The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck
is the day they make a vacuum cleaner.

<jtripp> I own a few sites and one of them sells baby
products. A couple of weeks ago a customer ordered a gift for
her sister and asked that it be shipped directly to her
sister's house.
<jtripp> Well it turns out that she gave me the wrong address.
When I called her to get the correct one she said her sister
would call me. Unfortunately UPS returned the package before
the sister called.
<jtripp> So, I reshipped the package out to the correct
address but there were UPS fees for returning and resending
the package. When I phoned to tell the customer here is what
she said to me...
<jtripp> "I'll never shop online again, this is too much of a
hassle. I had NO IDEA the right address would be so
important."
<jtripp> What!?!?!?

<keepingcharlie> i had lots of sex when i was under 18., man i
miss those days. i wish i would have realized what i had, when
i had it.
<rabbiwanna> You probably still have it.
<rabbiwanna> Get tested.

//
// Dear maintainer:
//
// Once you are done trying to 'optimize' this routine,
// and have realized what a terrible mistake that was,
// please increment the following counter as a warning
// to the next guy:
//
// total_hours_wasted_here = 25
//

<DigDug> ....
<ogw-iii> ...
<Denshuu> ..
<silicon> all excellent points

<tennisgh22> i was watching this porn and the girl keeps
goinng "see!!! see?!!!! seeeee?!!!!"
<tennisgh22> and i was like wtf see what?
<tennisgh22> but then i realized
<tennisgh22> it was in spanish :(

<Fyad> When I bought siemens cellphone, siemens sold its
cellular section. When I bought yakumo screen, yakumo got
bunkrupt. When I bought fujitsu-siemens laptop, siemens sold
its share.
<Fyad> Just curious what to buy next...
<r_heart> apple
<hoobsta> Apple
<sailo> apple

<RetardedMonkey> How would you pronounce this child's name?
<RetardedMonkey> She spells her name..... "Le-a"
<RetardedMonkey> This child attends a school in Livingston
Parish, LA..
<RetardedMonkey> Her mother is irate because everyone is
getting her name wrong.
<RetardedMonkey> She says it's pronounced.................
<RetardedMonkey> "Ledasha"
<RetardedMonkey> When the Mother was asked how in the world
did she figured it should be pronounced that way....... she
said....
<RetardedMonkey> ..."cause the dash don't be silent!"
<RetardedMonkey> English language is gone forever

<Bonz> Light bulbs are not actually "light bulbs" but dark
absorbers. When you turn them on, they suck the dark out of
the room. You can prove this by holding your hand under a
"light bulb". The dark will stack up under your hand where its
path to the absorber is blocked by your hand. When they quit
working and turn a dark color, it's not because they burnt
out, it's because they're full.

<MindSpark> So the officer stops me and asks for my license
and registration
<MindSpark> After handing them to him , he asks who the car
belongs to
<MindSpark> I tell him it's my wifes
<MindSpark> He asks if I have an authorization, because you
have to have some proof that you're allowed to ride a car
that's not yours
<MindSpark> I go "Sir, I ride the OWNER of this car personally
with no authorization, do you really expect me to have an
authorization to ride her car ?"
<MindSpark> Officer hands me back the papers in silence and
salutes me

troupe: oh shit, i just heard a car crash outside
cyateon: oh shit
cyateon: go loot the corpses before they respawn

<EM[mMF]> man
<EM[mMF]> unix manuals would be so much cooler
<EM[mMF]> if they had porn in them
<EM[mMF]> like "Basics of the Bash Shell"
<EM[mMF]> <LESBIAN PORN>
<EM[mMF]> i'd read that shit

<Zach> Is your Dad home?
<videogameaholic> yep
<Zach> You get any hot chicks on the internet yet?
<videogameaholic> wtf?  There aren't any chicks on the
internet.
<Zach> You gotta do what I do.  I get onto one of them lesbian
chatrooms and pretend to be a 19 year old girl.
<videogameaholic> I bet the other 60 "horny lesbians" in that
room think they are just as clever as you.
<Zach> no no no, they're really women, they send me naked
pictures
<videogameaholic> What do you do when they ask for yours?
<Zach> I send them a pic of a 19 year old girl.
<videogameaholic> ...
<Zach> No seriously, they're all lesbians.
<videogameaholic> If you say so...
<Zach> damn straight.
<videogameaholic> I'm sure you are.

<casmill2> I swear to god i must be the only true optimist
left on the planet.

Geekie: This chick was yelling at me when I was eating chicken
nuggets at mcdonalds today.
Geekie: Like 'DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO TO THOSE
ANIMAAAAAALS?!?'
Geekie: and this guy behind me goes 'Shut the fuck up, I'm
trying to eat my puppy-burger.
Ashleh: What did she do?
Geekie: she stfu. and cried.

Tetramaster3k: Omg.
Tetramaster3k: My mom was just outside my room, and she saw me
chewing on the chords to my headphones
Tetramaster3k: She goes
Tetramaster3k: "If you keep doing that, you'll reach wire and
electrocute yourself"
Tetramaster3k: So I stopped
Tetramaster3k: Then she goes
Tetramaster3k: "I didn't tell you to stop"

<Supra87T> aw, for shits sake!
<Snipa> what?
<Supra87T> remember sarah? well, the other night we fucked,
and now i have to get tested for aids.
<Snipa> Think positive
<Supra87T> fuck you man, thats not even funny

<nntndgrl> wanna cyber?
<nntndgrl> what do you have on right now?
<ghalath> Umm.. MSN, mIRC and Winamp, why?

<zerco> we should have our own quote on bash
<Phaet> dude it's easy
<Phaet> every quote which contains a word "masturbation" gets
accepted
<Phaet> see? we're on bash already :)
<zerco> hi mom!

<Numi> I was having trouble getting screen dumps in unix so I
went into #unix and said
<Numi> "Does anyone know how to do a screen dump in unix?"
<Numi> 5 minutes and no reply, so I modify it a bit
<Numi> "Two hot girls are stripping on webcam for me, how do i
take a picture to show you guys?"
<Numi> 13 offers of assistance within 2 minutes. Brilliant.

DerANgeD: not cool! ctrl+w closes firefox 
DerANgeD: I was trying to press shift+w and accidentally hit
my ctrl button 
Triumph: whats shift+w?
DerANgeD: a capital W dumbass

<nJess> God that stings like a motherfuck
<nJess> I just picked up my airsoft
*** Kederaji has joined channel #C&T
<nJess> And it discharged, into my face.
<nJess> At a range of about a foot and a half.
<Kederaji> O_o
<Kederaji> I always walk in at bad times.

<RobbiePaul> i really wish the redneck neighbors that moved in
next door would feed their children anti-freeze
<Nichole> slip it into some popcicles and serve
<RobbiePaul> "anti" freeze...

TriPod11: bush ain't THAT bad...he kinda knows what he's doin
idaredbeet08: Please, Monica Lewenski had more President in
her than George Bush ever will.

<jax> I think the thing I've been most ashamed of doing with
my penis
<jax> was trying to see if I could register it as a
fingerprint on my laptops fingerprint scanner
<jax> JUST so I could login with a penis print
<jax> it didn't work :(

< Codegen> one day my gf and I were watching TV, when the news
reports came on talking about how there were suicide bombers
in london, and how they destroyed the transit system. The news
reporters said that these bombing were similar to the previous
suicide bombings from a week before. Then my gf turns to me
and asks, "Do you think that they are the same suicide
bombers?"

<Fjoder> I hate when ppl say they gonna call and then they
dont
<Harvard> You sound like a girl.
<Fjoder> I am a girl
<Harvard> That explains it.

DinjackPD: there was this once, like three years ago, I forgot
this big project I had to turn in when I went to school
DinjackPD: so I called home to my dad (he works out of a home
office) and asked him to bring it for me
DinjackPD: so he came to school with it and he came up to me
and shook my hand and said "Hi there, I'm David, I'm your
personal secretary."
DinjackPD: And I said "Hi there, I'm your son, you signed on
for this shit when you didn't wear a condom."
DinjackPD: I thought it was funnier than he did

<&||bass> GODDAMNIT
<&||bass> i'm searching for how to do something in java
<&||bass> i just checked in google
<&||bass> you know what the results are?
<&||bass> me posting in various forms asking how to fucking do
it

MasterKayin: Dude, those Kamakazi pilots in WW2 were crazy...
MasterKayin: If they threw me in a plane and told me to go
crash into something
MasterKayin: I'd just take off and go somewhere else
MasterKayin: Like on vacation or something along those lines
MasterKayin: I'd go to Hawaii
MasterKayin: Er... wait...

<billyblacktop> yo yo yo, sup my niggas?
<jimmy2toes>  your not black
<billyblacktop>  how do you know that?
<jimmy2toes>  I hacked your webcam, and now I can see you
<billyblacktop>  yeah right you cant do that
<jimmy2toes> I can and I did.
<billyblacktop>  ok then what color hair do I have
<jimmy2toes> Hmmm, let me zoom in a bit. Blonde, and you are
white, about 6' 2", your room has an emenim poster and your
bedspread is yellow and blue.
<billyblacktop>  holy fuck man im telling the cops
Quits: {billyblacktop} ([email protected]) (Quit:)
<jimmy2toes>  LMAO, that was a friend of mine, I just set up
his comp today, and showed him mirc, he doesnt know my nick,
what a fat tool!!!
<nellcarterlookalike>  A fat tool indeed.

<TunnelArmr> Cool! I finally found the Womrs 2 demo
<TunnelArmr> I mean Womrs 2
<TunnelArmr> I mean Wrms 2
<TunnelArmr> Worm 2 even
<TunnelArmr> GOD DAMN IT!!!!!!!!!!
<ThePython> having trouble saying wrmos Tunnel?
<ThePython> i mean wmros
<ThePython> i mean mrwos
<ThePython> GOD DAMNIT!

<RustySpoon> Hahaha... I just came back from Phlanges
girlfriend.
<Phloam> Wtf were you doing there? ffs man have some respect
<RustySpoon> Let\'s just say she was glad to see me
* Phlange is now afk
<RustySpoon> fuck when did he log on?

[17:05] *** D1 sets mode: +o C-Rock
<D1> oh wait, I was trying to kick you.

Declan: I dunno...I love her, but this new years is going to
be uber depressing
grencez: her friends are much lamer than both of you combined
Declan: The thought of her getting high at a party where
everyone is drunk while I sit at home and code Perl or
something is kind of too much to bear
CyanFlux: maybe try coding something in c

<Jace> god this computer is running like a dog
<h0ax> Jace unless it is a lame dog or missing several limbs,
dogs usually run pretty fast
<h0ax> I wouldnt want to race one
<Jace> god this computer is running like an elepant
<Jace> hope they run slow
<h0ax> memory is working well then?
<mole-inc> elephants are pretty fast
<ReKTeK> they can run faster than humans :P
<h0ax> why dont you say a turtle or something
<h0ax> turtles are KNOWN for being slow
<Jace> god this computer is running like a TURTLE FINE HA
<h0ax> but then.. it did beat the hare..
<Jace> god this computer is running like a hare
<h0ax> no, they're fast, usually. except against turtles.
<mole-inc> god this computer is running like a crippled ant.
<Jace> god this computer is running like a turtle unless
competing against a hare in which case the computer is running
like a hare
<h0ax> you know you could just say it's running slow.
<Jace> oh yeh
<Jace> could do that... i guess...

<pixistix> I like sending out messages in a bottle.
<pixistix> But I'm creative.
<pixistix> "I have been shipwrecked at sea, while bringing an
important message."
<pixistix> "Do not, under any circumstances, allow President
Kennedy to go to Dallas"

[Buck_Satan] take the amount of pussy you've gotten, times
that by three and that should be a rough estimate of how much
I've gotten
[Buck_Satan] fag
[Baron von Mannsechs] 0 x 3 = 0, Buck

<blotch> heres a cool office trick
<blotch> unscrew the speaker part of your coworkers phone and
throw in a roll of quarters and seal it back up
<blotch> then after about 2 months of them being used to the
weight remove the coins when they're away
<blotch> and watch them lift the phone the next time someone
calls and bash themselves in the face

<Nydus> hey whatsup
<Zoom> GAY
<Nydus> ok...
<Zoom> GAY
<Nydus> dude whats wrong with you
<Zoom> GAY
<Nydus> i just wanna talk
<Zoom> GAY
<Nydus> you know, a rumor is going around that you are...
<Zoom> GAY
<Zoom> CRAP

<PhoenixBourne> Ok, so a friend of mine had an AWESOME idea at
school
<PhoenixBourne> You know rohyphonol? (whatever the spelling
is)
<linforcer> Is he gontna make a trebuchet
<linforcer> no
<PhoenixBourne> You know date rape drugs?
<linforcer> Sure
<PhoenixBourne> Right, rhyphonol is one of these. It knocks
you asleep after an hour or two.
<PhoenixBourne> I should also mention, a side affect of
rhyphonol is amnesia of events whilst under influence of the
drug.
<PhoenixBourne> Now, a friend of mine had this idea:
1) Prepare ingredients
2) Take rhyphonol
3) Bake cake
4) Fall asleep
5) ??????
6) Wake up
7) CAKE?! CAKE! Where did this come from?!
<linforcer> SURPRISE CAKE!!!!!!

* EtherMan slashes MadHatter with the jagged edge of a PS2
polygon

<RvLeshrac> <Terrorists> Shit, maybe we shouldn't take
hostages from countries whose people are more insane than us.
<RvLeshrac> <China> You give back hostages, or we kill all
muslim.
<NegaDuk> i think if they piss off china too much, they'll
find that china, the US, and britain will turn the middle east
into a big walmart parking lot
<RvLeshrac> <China> We use nuke. What we care you nuke us? We
have billion more people.
<NegaDuk> <China> nuke beijing. we tried sars. it no work
<RvLeshrac> <China> We stop birth restriction, we make billion
more. Three day.
<NegaDuk> i think china's just being antisocial so someone
will thin their population
<RvLeshrac> Seriously.
<RvLeshrac> China's answer to anything should be "We stop
birth restrictions"
<RvLeshrac> <US> Stop flooding our markets with cheap goods,
or we stop selling you soybeans. <China> We stop birth
restriction! <US> Fuck. OK, OK! You can have the damned
soybeans!
<RvLeshrac> I bet that was the real reason Clinton gave them
our satellite codes.
<RvLeshrac> <China> You give us code, or we flood world with
chinese!
<RvLeshrac> <China> All your shirt shrink up like penis in
arctic.
<NightStar> damn those bad chinese laundry places
<RvLeshrac> <China> You never get decent haircut. You explain
to women why no manicure.
<RvLeshrac> <China> We own you like Hong Kong.

<Greek69> lol grow up asshole
<TwoPairSux> You have "69" at the end of your name and you're
talking to me about maturity?
<Greek69> Do you even know what 69 means you fag?
<TwoPairSux> You have "Greek" in your name and you're calling
me a fag?

<SirCourage> So anyways, I knew at 1:30 am this morning that
my english paper would not be finished, so I opened up
mirc.exe in notepad, saved it as a .txt, emailed it to my
school email and told them that their email server must have
ruined my paper. I got an A-  :D

(mistersandman) aw pee
(mistersandman) they require you to register it on the
internet
(X_Stickman) well with your 100% perfectly legal copy i'm sure
you have no objections
(mistersandman) oh of course not i just.. dont have an
internet connection

<Esk|out> If You're Happy And You Know It - Bomb Iraq
<Esk|out> If you cannot find Osama,bomb Iraq.
<Esk|out> If the terrorists are frisky,
<Esk|out> Pakistan is looking shifty,
<Esk|out> North Korea is too risky,
<Esk|out> Bomb Iraq.

DominationForce: omfg
DominationForce: I'm sitting on a greyhound bus today on my
way back to college
DominationForce: and this girl spends 2 fucking hours on her
cellphone whining to her boyfriend that her cellphone bill is
huge
DominationForce: and then she calls her mom and whines some
more

<Sam>: So, that £5 gorgeous sketchbook I bought today? I sit
down to do the first page thinking "Oh wow, this is gonna be
awesome - I'm gonna fill it with great drawings and keep it
forever" and all that shit.
<Sam>: Open the book, thick black ink pen in hand and say
"Right, what shall I put on the first page?... Hm, a nice
"SKETCHBOOK" with doodles around will do while I wait for
inspiration"
<Sam>: I get to "SKETH" and realise I've missed out a C
<Sam>: My heart stops - my lip trembles... Do I rip out the
page? No! I'll improvise - I'll turn that C into a H with
stripes! Yeah, that works.
<Sam>: Okay, now I can carry on
<Sam>: I finish writing it and have a look at my handiwork
<Sam>: and then I see it
<Sam>: "SKETCBOOK"
<Sam>: Fuck

<Brenty> You know, I think the media really fucked up when
they called it "software piracy"
<Brenty> Everyone WANTS to be a pirate
<Brenty> If they'd called it "software faggotry" everyone
would still buy all their shit

<Samwise> And if not for a beard, what can you stroke while
thinking?
<jacquilyn> Depends what you're thinking about.

<chiby> base? is that another word for acid?
<spriggan> wtf, when's your chemistry exam?
<chiby> tomorrow
<spriggan> hahahahaha, oh man, you're screwed