bash.org archive

<skycreatoR> hehe awesome
<skycreatoR> today at my job (i work in a cinema) we had the
premiere on shrek 2
<skycreatoR> and because of the ocation, green popcorn
<skycreatoR> then some little girl came over to my booth and
asked why the popcorns were green
<skycreatoR> i said it was because we put mashed shrek down in
the popcorn machine
<skycreatoR> then she began crying and ran away

<Kazak> man I am bored, Im gonna try some weird shit
<Nash> uh oh
<Kazak> HOLY FUCKING BLOODY HELL!
<Nash> ?!
<Kazak> I PUT A STAPLE THROUGH MY DICK!
<Nash> HOLY SHIT!
<Nash> You really are a crazy bastard!
*Killer_jeep has joined the conversation.
<Kazak> good fucking hell this hurts LIKE HELL
<Killer_jeep> What?
<Nash> he put a staple thru his dick
<Killer_jeep> DEAR GOD
*Killer_jeep has left the conversation.
<Kazak> shit now I have to piss! Brb
<Nash> this can&#8217;t be good
<Kazak> BITCH ASS MOTHER FUCK!
<Nash> what happened!
*Darkness has joined the conversation.
<Kazak> the piss flew out of the staple holes
<Darkness> WTF!?
*Darkness has left the conversation.
<Kazak> I had to straddle the toilet to get it in!
<Nash> are you gonna go to the ER?
<Kazak> are you crazy? no fucking way
<Nash> well try pulling it out
<Kazak> I can&#8217;t it hurts like hell if I try!
<Nash> well it has to come out sooner or later.
<Nash> better off sooner, before anyone sees you.
<Kazak> GODDAM THIS HURTS
<Nash> its your own fault, you know.
<Kazak> shutup! augh this hurts!!!
<Kazak> GRGGRFFFFDJH~!!11
*Aaron has joined the conversation
<Aaron> whats up guys?
<Nash> The crazy bastard put a staple through his dick
<Aaron> FUCKING HELL
*Aaron has left the conversation.
<Kazak> THANK GOD!!! I got it out!!!
<Nash> right&#8230;what about the holes?
<Kazak> uhh&#8230;
*Malaina has joined the conversation.
<Kazak> I&#8217;ll have to cover my dick with band-aids.
<Malaina> what the hell are you talking about?
<Kazak> oh shit. Nash, don&#8217;t!!!!
<Nash> your boyfriend put a staple through his dick
<Malaina> FUCKING HELL YOU SICK BASTARD!
*Malaina has left the conversation.

<Aoi-chan> everyone's first vi session. ^C^C^X^X^X^XquitqQ!
qdammit[esc]qwertyuiopasdfghjkl;:xwhat

<neott> stop();
<WorkLord> hammertime();

<Rainman> god, my head is killing me, must be the maths
classes
<Darkduck> you should drink up an aspirine with some vodka and
smoke some weed
<Darkduck> that'll definetly take care of it ;)
<Rainman> dude I'm still at school
<Rainman> where the fuck would I get any aspirine ? :o)

<amz> I thought that you had been an atheist since forever
<Batou> My Dad is massively religious.
<TheShadowZero> your mother is massively multiplayer, though

<|scar> Girlfriend pregnant error, [A]bort, [M]arry, [I]gnore
?

Crevan Hill says: I used the phrase "tight as a twelve year
old" today...
Crevan Hill says: In the middle of class, when talking about
how tight you should roll newspapers around dowels
Crevan Hill says: .....the teacher said ladies were present,
and I apologized, with the qualifier that "I didn't
necessarily mean girls..."

<Ingo>I can't uninstall it, there seems to be some kind of
"Uninstall Shield"

<AnonymousPosterChild> oh god
<AnonymousPosterChild> I just messaged a chick on okcupid
saying how I thought she was kinda hot AND SHES 13
<AnonymousPosterChild> oh god
<AnonymousPosterChild> Shes 13 AND she thinks shes a lesbian
<AnonymousPosterChild> this is the least appropriate erection
EVER

WormyWyrm: I don't think half as many people would pirate
games and movies
WormyWyrm: if they didn't give it such a cool name
thelandofsiam: Yea, nobody would do it if it was called
Illicit Data Transmition
WormyWyrm: exactly
WormyWyrm: noone would talk about it at all, too hard to spell
thelandofsiam: ARRR IM A SOFTWARE PIRATE
WormyWyrm: Gimmie yer booty and new versions of half life
thelandofsiam: Yarrr
WormyWyrm: YAR!
thelandofsiam: I must restart my ship
thelandofsiam: brb

<EventHorizon> is it just me or does our prof wear sweaters
alot?
<swtaarrs> that's a sweatshirt
<EventHorizon> yeah
<EventHorizon> i think sweatshirt extends sweater though
<EventHorizon> so its still an instance
<DroolingSheep> no it doesn't sweaters suck
<swtaarrs> you're an instance of stupid
<EventHorizon> ur an instance of ur mom
<ChixLoveUnix> I implemented your mom last night.
<EventHorizon> i extended ur mom so bad she threw an exception
<EventHorizon> or something
<swtaarrs> if your mom were a collection class, her insert
method would be public

<Leaf-> Gran Turismo is hard
<Mootar> quit callin me gran turismo

<+aeonite> is there any diet plan that does not involve
fucking cottage cheese?
<@LordCrank> some of them involve eating it instead

CDSBIGSBY: at work, on the like, 'keyboard' for the cash
registers, there are two buttons that don't do anything
CDSBIGSBY: and it's like, the button, a little slip of paper
that says what the button does, and a plastic cover that holds
the paper in
CDSBIGSBY: and this dude at work figured that out, 'cause he
popped the plastic cover off
CDSBIGSBY: and so we made labels for the two 'empty' buttons
on the registers we were on that day
CDSBIGSBY: he didn't utilize the full potential of the
opportunity though, as one of his buttons is a happy face and
the other a sad face
CDSBIGSBY: but i feel i did mine justice.
CDSBIGSBY: Lane 14 at Meijer's has a Self-Destruct button and
a Bat Signal button.

Seijurro1234: IM NOT ON AOL .. IM ON AMERICA ONLINE
Seijurro1234: RETARD

<remial> gah...
<remial> I was visiting my college roommate earlier today...
<remial> his ex-GF and his daughter were there...
<remial> they were in the other room watching cartoons or
something...
<remial> and my friend asked me how my life was going, and I
told him that things wre OK but it felt like there was some
sort of consperacy to keep me from getting laid...
<remial> his ex GF immediatly calls someone on her Cel phone
and says "He knows"

* andy Quit (Quit: Your Mom is so dumb that she tried to
minimize a 12 variable function to a minimal sum of products
expression using a karnaugh map instead of the Quine-McCluskey
Algorithm.)

cag  URL  tara: When I was in high school, the school board
decided that the biology students had to pay for the fetal
pigs that were being dissected. After the course was done, my
friend Amy demanded that she be allowed to take the pig, since
she had paid for it. There was some WTF from the school, but
she got her pig. That weekend, she and her brother dressed the
pig up in some baby clothes and a blanket, drove down the
street and lit a smoke bomb in the car. They were passing a
couple walking down the street when Amy leaned out of the car
and yelled "Save my baby" and tossed the pig at the couple.
They were doing about 50 mph so she missed the couple. The
baby/pig hit the sidewalk, skidded along the concrete,
shedding parts and limbs before it impacted a mailbox.
She said she had never seen such a horrified look in her life.

garrett8675309: heard you threatened to shoot my girlfriend...
imptacular: yeah
garrett8675309: you should get your membership card in 7-10
days

[Oni] FUCK!
[Oni] I'm just about out of black ink
[Krypton] printer?
[Oni] No, the type I disperse to run from predators.

<SimonJester> What is JFGI anyway?
<SimonJester> Never mind... googled it...

<oliciv> Roses are red,
<oliciv> violets are blue,
<oliciv> badger badger badger,
<oliciv> badger badger mushroom

<KK> Anyone here speak Spanish?
<ste> i do
<KK> Shut up.  You can't even speak English.
<ste> thats cuz i spanish

<ronald_jeremy> haha, im taking this ethics certificatino
thing online...they have the answers in the source code

KabeDerlin05: Bring it on. I have a level 19 Weapon Master
that can kick your ass
KradenTalcaria: ...
KradenTalcaria: brb
KabeDerlin05: Yeah that's right! Run Away! Just like your
mother did when she saw my huge dick!
Auto response from KradenTalcaria: Mom's using the computer.
Be back in a few.

<NESS> sup
<blanco> how about you greet me like a white man?
<NESS> sorry
<NESS> HEIL DEUTCHLAND

<+shiachan> i am having the worse day for the past 3 years
<+shiachan> someone console me :/
* Edible hits shiachan with a gamecube.

<@Wally> stupid muslims promise virgins
<@Wally> if they promised lightsabers I'd be on my way to
mecca
<@Wally> I can hang out with virgins on IRC

<@J^raxis> Some people have some weird fetishes. Which is
fine. Then they take photos of them, which is not.

Blood Reaper:  on a scale of 1 to 10
Blood Reaper:  how old do you think michael jackson's
boyfriend is?

NeoNess: My cell phone rang in the church and everyone looked
at me.
I answered it and someone told me to turn it off.
I told them it was god and he was furiously angered at them,
and he would smite them with his holy fist.
I proceeded to scream "Repent!" at the top of my voice.
long story short, I dont have to go to church anymore

<zamros> haha yeah being a plumber would be fucking awesome
actually
<zamros> like if i had my own fuckin' company
<zamros> with a van and shit
<zamros> like i'd go in to a plumbing business with a friend
<zamros> cuz like when you got two motherfuckers putting the
time and money in
<zamros> you can buy a van
<zamros> you can buy fuckin tools
<zamros> you can buy advertising and shit
<zamros> haha i'd have the funniest fucking public access
commercials for my plumbing business
<zamros> like some dude would be taking a shit
<zamros> and he'd jiggle the handle
<zamros> and he'd be like ".....FUCK!"
<zamros> then he falls over on the toilet and grabs the phone
<zamros> and calls me
<zamros> and he's like "HELLPP!!!"
<zamros> then i bust through the fucking wall
<zamros> and fucking beat the shit out of a big monster in the
toilet1
<zamros> with a plunger
<zamros> and the dude is laying in his own shit on the floor
<zamros> with the phone in his hand
<zamros> and after i won the fight he'd be like "THANK YOU
ZAMROS INC"
<zamros> and he'd hug me and i'd get shit all over me
<zamros> and i'd be like "ALL IN A DAY'S WORK"
<zamros> and then bust through the other wall

<benja> A worldwide survey was conducted by the UN. The only
question
asked was:"Would you please give your honest opinion about
solutions to the
food shortage in the rest of the world?"
<benja> The survey was a huge failure...
<benja> In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
<benja> In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest"
meant.
<benja> In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage"
meant.
<benja> In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
<benja> In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution"
meant.
<benja> In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
<benja> And in the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the
world" meant

<shane> there is a special place in hell, down the hall from
hitler, for real player

<Cheshire> I can't afford those plastic things to cover the
electric sockets so I just draw bunny faces on the electric
outlets to scare the kids away from them...
<RLtim> Newsflash! Kids aren't afraid of bunnies.
<Cheshire> Oh they will be...

<Jake> so I got dissed by this girl i was talking to online
<Jake> we were getting along really well and she wanted to
meet
<Jake> but she wanted a picture
<Jake> so I sent her one (got one of hers, she was fine)
<Jake> she said "I'm really looking for some one more
'athletic'"
<Jake> bummer
<Jake> so i say
<Jake> well im trying hard, ever since i have been able to
afford the full time trainer and chef I've lost over 200 lbs
<Jake> she says you can afford a trainer/chef
<Jake> i say yeah
<Jake> she changes her mind about meeting
<Jake> i tell her to go fuck herself

<Tscully> Gimme a C!
<Lich> C!
<MikeB> C
<A_Flayer> C!!
<Tscully> Gimme a H!
<Lich> H!
<MikeB> H
<A_Flayer> H!
<Tscully> Gimme a EESE!
<Lich> EESE...
<MikeB> EESE!
<A_Flayer> EESE
<Tscully> Gimme a CAKE!
<Lich> CAKE!
<MikeB> CAKE
<A_Flayer> CAKE!!
*Tscully runs off with the three cakes
<Tscully> Suckers.

<neo_alex> my maths teacher who looks like gandalf set us a
fucking hard half yearly exam
<neo_alex> i was just expecting him to go "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!
"

Trikkz R 4 Kidz: YO
Trikkz R 4 Kidz: WASSUP?
tetsu2051: presumably not your shift key

<@reflir> also, my harry potter sex bot arrived
<@reflir> err
<@reflir> I mean boxed set

<SomeGuy> God: "Hello Osama?"
<SomeGuy> Osama: "Yes God"
<SomeGuy> God: "Osama.. did you hear about the tsunami?"
<SomeGuy> Oasama: "Yes"
<SomeGuy> God "Beat that you prick.."

<rick> hey my bro called me up the other day asking for the
ops cd key
<rick> so im like, military style? bc its such a pain to
understand the letters over the phone
<rick> so hes like "whatever sure"
<rick> so im sitting there for like 10 minutes saying "
kit-cat-kit-cat-9 = venus-bounce-bounce-bouce-dog =
girl-girl-phone-girl-daddy ..." so thats going on for a while
and hes repeating it back to me and im repeating it back to
him for like 5 times.
<rick> so finally i hang up the phone and spin around in my
chair and my grandpa is standing in the doorway totally dazed,
and hes like "i'll never understand you young kids."

<[UA]lavalamp> I was playing chutes and ladders with my
4-year-old son...when he won, he jumped up, pointed at me, and
shouted "pwned!"

<knightmare> _______ ___._._._
<GTEK> ?
<knightmare> /s_r__r 12_._._.1
<GTEK> dam i kno this
<knightmare> /ser_er 127._._.1
* Quits: GTEK (Quit)
* Quits: xfiles (Quit)
* Quits: Evolution (Quit)

Ron34: Why havent you been in school?
Joe: because its summer vacation?
Ron34:  its sept 13
Ron34: school started the 5th
Joe: WTF
Joe: ITS SEPTEMBER?

<MARSHALL> CAN YOU SPEAK IN BM
<Nikari> wtf is bm?
<MARSHALL> BM MEANS BAHASA MALAYSIA
<Nikari> Does everyone yell in Malasyia?
<MARSHALL> ARE YOU GIRL OR MAN
<Nikari> a very girly man. you?
<MARSHALL> YOU FIRST
<Nikari> ... that would make you a girl, then
<MARSHALL> I AM MAN
<Nikari> HEAR ME ROAR
<MARSHALL> WHAT YOU MENAS
<Nikari> It's an american joke. Do you have jokes in malaysia?
<MARSHALL> YES.IN MALAYSIA HAVE MANY JOKE.
<MARSHALL> ARE YOU WANT CAME TO MALAYSIA
<Nikari> Are you offering hot malaysian sex?
<MARSHALL> WHAT YOU MEANS
<Nikari> Well, when a man and woman love each other very much,
he sticks his woo woo into her waa waa. And in very special
circumstances, if two men love each other very much, he will
stick his woo woo into the other guy's uh oh.
<MARSHALL> I CANOT LOVE NOW.I STILL STUDY
<Nikari> They're always time for love!
<MARSHALL> ARE YOU STILL STUDY?
<Nikari> When I'm not love.

<Ben> I love the internet.
<@Reb> ...
<Ben> You can ask your girl friends about their problems
<Ben> Play xbox for 20 minutes
<Ben> Come back, say "Yeah you're right..."
<Ben> Then go play some more xbox.
<@Reb> ...You son of a bitch that was me!
<Ben> REBECCA?
*** Reb sets mode: +b Ben*!*@*.*
*** Ben has been kicked by Reb (Asshole)

<paRaLyX> what's long, hard and fucked two girls from my
science class last week?
<Slax0r> omg...
<qwog> you didn't!
<paRaLyX> the mid-term physics exam :(

<_Riddler_> i was in the grocery store today
<_Riddler_> and I got this boner
<_Riddler_> I dunno
<_Riddler_> Maybe it was the melons
<IceWizard> Riddler: YOU SAW THE CARROTS

(SiNs-) $1,599.99
(SiNs-) $1,599.70
(SiNs-) Save $0.29
(SiNs-) wow
(SiNs-) if i go to bestbuy, i can buy a computer AND a peanut

culturejammer: you know what pennies are AWESOME for?
culturejammer: throwing at cats
culturejammer: it only costs a single penny
culturejammer: and they'll either chase it, or get hit by it
and look pissed off
culturejammer: i now use that system to value prices of things
culturejammer: for example, a thirty dollar game has to be at
least as awesome as three thousand catpennies

<anial8r> you know what? KFC is ONE letter yes ONE letter away
from fuck.
<anial8r> i have just thought of their next motto
<anial8r> KFC! the only thing missing is U!

[testic] Average number of times a man will ejaculate in his
lifetime: 7,200
[sg1138_] 7200 seems pretty high
[testic] I think that includes wanking and wet dreams
[sg1138_] 7200 seems pretty low

LiQuIDsCyThE1: Like the Mallard Duck and Peacock, the wigger
male will go to great lengths to secure a mate. This young
wigger, for instance, has donned a vibrant all pink outfit to
ensure success during the mating season. In this case, the
flamboyant color scheme serves the dual purpose of both
helping him get noticed by females in heat and distracting
other males who will be too busy beating his ass to steal any
of his mates. A borderline suicidal strategy, but successful
nonetheless.
ElPikachupacabra: who the hell are you, and what the hell was
that

<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> holy
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> fucking
<[dSx]h34dsh0t> what?
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> dudes
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> if any of you have rats in the house
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> WASH YOUR FUCKING WANK RAGS REGULARLY
<[dSx]h34dsh0t> ...
<[dSx]awpMAN> wtf?
<[dSx]h34dsh0t> you're kidding, right?
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> dude
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> i am fucking serious
<[dSx]awpMAN> not all of us have wank rags, dumbass
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> so i had this wank rag i forgot about and
left in a corner of the room under some shit right
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> i find it today and it has FUCKING HOLES IN
IT RIGHT AT THE STAINS
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> and there's RAT SHIT ALL OVER IT
<[dSx]tiMeCop> HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHA
<[dSx]awpMAN> idiot, hahahahahahahaha
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> fuck
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> i'm going to have trouble sleeping now that i
know that SOME FUCKING RAT IN MY HOUSE ATE MY SEMEN
<[dSx]h34dsh0t> dude
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> yea
<[dSx]h34dsh0t> i love you
<[dSx]h34dsh0t> i really do
<[dSx]h34dsh0t> but it would be a crime not to submit this to
bash
<[dSx]kiLLmAsta> NO WAIT FUCK

<SaintAlvus> Does the name Doctor Pavlov ring a bell?

<tadpoleofdeath> Why do so many math majors confuse Halloween
and Christmas?
<elfking> why?
<tadpoleofdeath> Because Oct 31 is Dec 25

<Cross> Oh, wow. Old school papers.
<Cross> This one was on 'alternative energy sources'. This is
from near the end, when I was really too tired to be writing:
<Cross> "Wind energy is a method of collecting power from the
blowing of the wind. Not only is this a clean and renewable
energy source, but it can actually displace excess Carbon
Dioxide in an area. Problems behind wind energy also exist. It
is not available in many areas, and requires a lot of money to
build. The wind turbines can also interfere with television
and radio signals and cause noise pollution. Also, birds can
fly into the rotors."
<Cross> "Then they have to send the janitor Steve out to clean
the thing, and it just ruins his day. Then he goes home and
beats his kids. So if you support wind energy, you support
domestic violence."
<Cross> That's when you know you're tired.
<Herring> That is awesome.

<Dyl4N>a mosquito landed on my screen and i went to right
click on it and close it...
<Dyl4N>then i realized i should get out more
<Jesse>send me a screen shot
<Jesse>wait

Safia: your just sittin there watching me?
Sean: No I have creepy music playing too

<Nubbers> Is there any listing of the criteria for a bash
quote, anyway? Or should I just make a joke combining
masturbation, child pornography, racism, and dungeons and
dragons...
<Edible> If it has "bash.org" or "nigger" in it, it'll get
in.  Watch.
<Edible> Hey, so nigger I nigger with nigger to nigger
bash.org nigger bash.org bash.org nigger nigger nigger.

Ar0uNd » Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot his
whole life, which
Ar0uNd » created an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He
also ate very little,
Ar0uNd » which made him frail, and with his odd diet, he
suffered from very bad
Ar0uNd » breath. This made him.... what?
Ar0uNd » (This is so bad it's good...) --a super-callused
fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

<forceflow> hah, there are two quotes on bash rated 1337
<forceflow> that's awesome
<ItlnStaln> You're going to be a virgin for life, you know
that?

<Alucard> is the reason r2-d2 beeps so much because someone
fucked up the alsa drivers?

<macks> YEAH DUDE I'M SO GANGSTA I HOLD MY LAPTOP SIDEWAYS
WHEN I POST FLAMES

Rude: wicked story tho..this morning i'm sitting at the mc
donalds i normally do having coffee and such, and this
middle-aged fat guy who always comes in around the same time i
do walks in
Rude: (and this guy's a fucking dick, I hate him just from
hearing him talk to the kids working)
Rude: so he orders his meal, and when they put it all on the
tray, he puts the back of his hand right into the fries and
practically explodes.. "THESE FRIES ARE COLD, THEYRE ALWAYS
FUCKING COLD WHEN YOU SERVE THEM, I WANT FRESH ONES"
Rude: so they apologize, take the fries away and after a few
minutes I see them put some more fries on his tray...dumbass
puts his hand right into it again, but these fries were RIGHT
out of the frier, and the stupid fuck completely burns the
back of his hand and shrieks like a fucking girl
Rude: I laughed so fucking hard at him, and he turns to me
cradling his raw hand and yells WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU LAUGHING
AT KID
Rude: at this point i'm laughing so hard i can only point at
his hand and keep laughing
Rude: dipshit storms out and the kids working even gave me his
fucking food

(Teg[WTW]) Some girl left her yearbook lying around, so I
decided to sign it.
(Teg[WTW]) I wrote "Megan - Even though I never met you, I've
had some good times over the years watching you from that tree
in your backyard. Stalkingly, Steve"

<Tizitchy> you know what sucks
<Tizitchy> I was staring at this girls ass in the mall while
waiting in line
<Tizitchy> she was by a trash can
<Tizitchy> and this guy was behind me
<Tizitchy> said "Get a good view?"
<Tizitchy> i was laughing and said "yeah"
<Tizitchy> he goes "That's my daughter"